Back to the real reason I started this blog– this blog that has wandered around the world, engaged in politics, and has told you how I feel about Israel. Back to talking about family relationships…

Let me begin by saying something rather radical that will summarize what I am about to say:

Don’t take people who are upset seriously.
That’s it. Don’t.

OK, Let me go back and talk about it and then you will understand, I hope.

When we are little and non-verbal, our tantrums usually consist of non-stop crying, flailing, and throwing things. As we get a little older, our parents encourage us to express our displeasure in more socially acceptable ways, i.e., talking about it. So, by the age of twenty or so, we (most of us) stop screaming, yelling and throwing things and instead use words to express our displeasure.

So far, so good.

However, it sometimes happens that we use words in the same way as we used our stuffed toy animals and blocks and little train cars–we take them and throw them at others like weapons.

In response, those who love us are hurt, surprised, and often themselves become angry and hurtful.

So here we are. Mature, adult two year olds having a simultaneous tantrum.

Now what happens in tantrum state?

The person who is having the tantrum has two major objectives
1. To get his/her point across.
2. To let the other person/people know how upset he/she is.

In accomplishing the second, often the message of the first is lost. Not only that, but the listeners may actually be less motivated to hear the message as they move to defend themselves and pay back in kind. Which is why most arguments do not end well.

Few people realize, however, that when someone is in tantrum state he/she often loses control of his/her ability to think clearly and may say lots of things that he/she doesn’t mean. Some of those things may have dire consequences.

Take my uncle.

When my cousin was a freshman in college my cousin decided to grow a beard. My uncle did not like the idea of his son having a beard. He tried to cajole him and finally, in a tantrum state, threatened him- telling him that if he didn’t remove the beard, he couldn’t come home.

Do I have to tell you the rest of the story?

It was not a happy story.

Did my uncle mean to lose his son for a long period of time? I strongly doubt it. He just got carried away.

What could have happened instead:
My cousin could have listened to the tantrum. He could have responded calmly or not at all, he could have gotten up and walked away. Chances are pretty good that once my uncle got back in control of himself, he would have still not liked the beard, but might have realized that it wasn’t worth losing his son over it.

Example two:

When I began studying for my doctorate at the University of Pennsylvania at age 42– after having been in clinical practice as a family therapist, I was ambivalent. On the one hand, the idea of getting a doctorate was very exciting. On the other hand, I felt the level of instruction in certain areas was naive and simplistic and since the tuition was high, I wasn’t sure I wanted to make the investment of our family’s resources.

I don’t remember what specifically set me off, but one morning, early in November, before we had received any tuition bills, I got really angry and told my husband that I was dropping out and didn’t want any more part of the nonsense going on at the school and that I could think of a lot of things to do with my time and our money that would be more productive etc. I went on and on. He didn’t answer. I’m pretty sure it was because he didn’t know what to say. But after a while, it just ran down. I was finished and I picked up my books and left for school.

Could it have ended otherwise? Surely. Had he gotten sucked into the tantrum, he would have urged me to continue and I would have dropped out just to show him that he couldn’t control me.

Tantrums do bad things to people.

When I was seeing couples in marital therapy, often what the spouses would complain about was what the other one had said at the height of a tantrum. Usually, the spouse either didn’t remember having said it or regretted saying it. In fact, it was not the spouse speaking from his/her rational mind. It was that reptilian brain that all of us have inside of us. It is that primitive fight or flight mechanism that that springs into action when we begin to feel any sort of threat.

So what should we do when someone we care about starts having a tantrum? Don’t respond in kind. Listen, to the message but don’t take everything he/she says seriously. Really. He/she doesn’t mean half of what he/she is saying. There’s no need for there to be more than one two year old in the room. Not feeding the flames helps extinguish them. And once the person is rational again, maybe the problem can even be solved!

Funniest experiences

Rules: Fill in the following. Tag 4 friends to do the same.

• My funniest dream
  I try really hard not to remember my dreams because in them frequently I find myself in public places having forgotten to put on my clothes.
• My funniest experience with a pet
  At the time I didn’t think it was funny, but my daughter thought that heating up a piece of chicken for the dog was a bit over the top. I like it warm… I thought he would too.
• My funniest experience at a job interview
  I applied for a job working with a population that I really didn’t know and the interviewer wanted so badly to hire me that she supplied the answers to the questions she asked me.
• My funniest purchase
  I’m sure there are funnier ones, but recently on a rainy day I purchased a meter of plastic tablecloth material to cover my shopping cart that was full of purchases and likely to drown in the downpour we were having.
• My funniest experience in high school
  High school was not funny.
• My funniest cooking experience
  The first year I was married I made bread pudding with rye bread. Not recommended.
• The funniest thing I ever said to anyone
  “When you’re a daddy, you get to eat all the ice cream” It wasn’t funny then, but the story evolved.

My family and friends are invited to add in the comments any answers that they think I should have given.
fill in this meme

Remember all those word problems we had to figure out in school? John is twice as old as his sister Mary will be when John’s younger brother, Christopher has his bar mitzvah- how old is his mother? OK, John and Mary are not likely to have a brother who is having a a bar mitzvah, much less “Christopher” but that’s beside the point. It’s also a lot easier than the word problem I’ve been trying to solve in the last 24 hours.

Let’s say a fictional woman has 5 fictional children. Two of them live within walking distance and the others live less than an hour’s drive away. (I’m giving you irrelevant information, akin to the names above, but you have to figure out which information *is* relevant– you will be tested on this.) Now let’s say that there’s a fictional holiday coming up at the beginning of next week (end of this week for John, Mary, and Christopher). For this fictional holiday, this fictional woman has been inviting all of her fictional children and her fictional grandchildren (an ever-increasing number) for the last, let’s see, maybe 10 years. At first, they would meet in the morning to hear the (fictional) megilla. Then, after a few years (maybe 7 or so), they would meet in the evening. Bagels and lox would have been a component of this fictional adventure. OK, so now you have the fictional history up to a couple of weeks ago.

At that time the fictional woman wrote an email to all five of the children suggesting they meet in the morning since the evening was after shabbat and therefore it would of necessity start late and the grandchildren would be tired etc. No one seemed to object. Let’s call the fictional children living close by the fictional woman A, B, & C (yes, I am aware I had said two lived close by; A, B, & C are the names of all three of the two of them, but that’s another story). A,B, & C all were fine with the plan. Let’s call the three who live within an hour’s driving distance X, Y, & Z (this fictional woman was not very creative at name-giving. Poor children… imagine the looks they got in school when they introduced themselves. I’ll bet though, no teacher asked them what they were called “for short.”)

The first sign of trouble was when X said, “Remember, we must leave by 9:30 a.m.” Not that it was trouble, but combined with the next statement, it presented problems. It was when Y said “It’s unrealistic to think that we can get there before 9:30 a.m.” What to do? One is arriving when the other is leaving and the whole point is for everyone to be there at the same time. It became a problem especially since the fictional woman does not want to upset or hurt any of her fictional children and pretty much is waiting with bated breath to see all of her totally adorable fictional grandchildren in their fabulous (fictional) costumes.

The fictional woman consulted with A,B,C, & Z. There were a number of suggestions including Skyping the X family in, meeting on Monday, buying Y a new alarm clock (threw that one in to fool you– no one actually (or fictionally) said that), etc. The fictional woman tried several different tactics from “Work it out yourselves” to “Let the disinterested parties work it out and we’ll abide by their decision” to “Let’s talk about interests rather than solutions.” At one point X suggested that X & Y work it out over a steak. The fictional woman was pretty sure who would be called upon to pay for the steaks.

No fewer than 32 emails were sent and several telephone calls were made. In the end, the X family sent its chief negotiator to settle the matter, more or less to everyone’s satisfaction.

Stay tuned for the fictional pictures sometime next week.

Who said that when you get old you slow down? Well, maybe there are days when I am not physically running around, but ohmigosh… busy!! I have to say, though, I do love it! It’s great to have my children and grandchildren nearby and it’s great to have other interests as well.

Right now we are working on learning everything we can about our new travel destinations. We also are trying to learn survival Spanish. There are enough cognates of French and English that we often are able to read captions and descriptions, but passive vocabulary won’t get you 4 more tablespoons or enough bread to make sandwiches for 36 people. So it’s a wild and woolly time here cramming for a test of our Spanish that’s coming in only a few months and that we must pass.

To say that the tour to Ecuador, the Galapagos Islands, and Peru was fantastic, is such an understatement. Imagine for a moment that you were able to be present on earth on the 5th day of creation. There are the creeping things and the fish and the birds and all of the plant life, and the sea. Imagine all of it living together in harmony. Imagine how beautiful it would be. How pure. How utterly precious.

That is what you find when you step onto most of the Galapagos Islands.

There are no words.

But there are pictures. You can see them here.

Here’s a preview:

A blue-footed boobie

This week was a big birthday week in the family with two grandchildren and a daughter-in-law celebrating birthdays. One grandchild, Ayala, celebrated on the Hebrew date– about 2 weeks ago, but our one-year -old Ephraim celebrated this week. He seemed to enjoy his cupcake (as did his sister)!

Ephraim and his cake

Kinneret enjoying cake

Want some?

We also drove up to Tiberias for the marathon where our son, Ben ran for the third year in a row. It was great spending time with him and with three of his children.

Ben & Avital

Walking over to the race starting point (my only picture of Dina-- she's all the way to the right)

We walked Ben over to the starting arch and waited until the race began. Then we went walking to the side of the Kinneret.

In addition to the marathon, there was a rowing competition with all Israeli teams except for one from Germany who were none the sadder for having missed their heavy snow at home.

Elihu next to the rowing shell

The Tel Aviv team honored Asaf Ramon.

We watched that race begin too and took the children swimming. And then it was time to wait for Ben to return. We saw him cross the finish line and hold his hands up in triumph!

Ben, crossing the finish line!

It was a hot day and running was hard, but he finished the race and in a record time for him!

It was a good week and we have an exciting week coming up next week too. Stay tuned for news.

Actually, this posting has very little to do with Tiberias. We are traveling up there this afternoon with our son and three of his children. This is the third year in a row that he will be running the marathon there and the third year in a row that we are accompanying him. The marathon is tomorrow morning.

There’s a real excitement about the whole event with athletes from all over Israel and all over the world. Each year there is a good representation of African runners, many of whom come in with amazing times.

Of course, the change of pace is fun and spending quality time with three of the grandchildren is always a treat.

Last year we left under a cloud of worry. Our brand new grandson had just been identified as having a health problem and we were uncertain as to what would happen. Now, a day after his first birthday, I am happy to report that he is a healthy, cuddly, adorable child whose development has been completely normal.

So today we leave with happy anticipation!

(And we may have some other exciting events in our future… more about that when things are definite.)

It doesn’t work.*

*Really. Believe me. Kindness works wonders. Anger, not helpful. Need I say more?

Hmmm… are you interested in the rest of the sentence? Thought so. I became a family therapist because statements like this intrigued me.

Well, if you must know… the full sentence is “my husband always tells me that he loves me.” Yes, really.

But how many people start that sentence (and yes, it can be “husband” or “wife”) and end it with something not quite so nice?

And we hear things about their spouse that are not complimentary. Sometimes it’s a one time thing, and sometimes people complain repeatedly.

Here’s the problem:

1. The listener is in no position to solve the problem

2. The speaker may be upset temporarily, but the listener may take the complaining to mean that there is real trouble in the relationship.

3. The listener may draw negative and lasting conclusions about the speaker or the spouse.

4. The listener may take the disclosure as permission to complain about his/her own spouse.

Can you see where this is going? It’s not going anywhere good.

When couples have issues with one another, they should be worked out between them. If they find it difficult, there are any number of self-help books, seminars, and yes, therapists to help them.

But please– if you’re angry with your spouse, don’t broadcast it. I can guarantee that it will come back to bite you.

If you read parts 1,2, & 3 of the adventure and wonder why I stopped writing, it’s because I have relocated the saga to the travel blog and added pictures when relevant. Chapter 5 in written and 6 is on its way. For anyone wondering about this question… It was a fantastic trip and even with all of the unscheduled adventures, our travelers had a great time, virtually untouched by tension and so did we (although not untouched by tension.) By the time I was home for 2 weeks, I was ready to go back and do it again– that’s how much fun it was… and you only can truly understand if you come along with me next time (hint, hint).

But now here we are in the little town of Modi’in (population >70K) for Hanuka and today we are anticipating the gathering of most of the clan– some members are not feeling well and some are away. Today is also an awful day in terms of air pollution and people have been urged to stay inside.

I have a lot of art supplies, a Hanuka video (”Lights”) and a few dozen latkes. Mostly, I am hoping that the little people get to spend time with their cousins and aunts and uncles.

Across from our house as you look to the right is a hill that some believe was the ancient city of Modi’in. It has artifacts from back to the Stone Age and ruins from several eras in between. At the top of the mountain is a water tower that has a series of columns that look like torches around it. For the last couple of years, they have lit the tower at holiday times with pastel lights. This year, nine of the columns have large lights on them that are lit according to the night of Hanuka. It’s quite impressive!

I wish all of you a wonderful bright Hanuka– and as a gift to yourself, a trip to China or Vietnam/Cambodia in 2010 is a pretty good idea!

In the past, when something I was ashamed or embarrassed of happened, I would pretty much feel bad. Now I say to myself: how wonderful! more material for the blog!

So today I was at the pool. After I had finished swimming as much as I wanted to, I went to the jacuzzi and just sat in the warm water. Along came a young man (probably in his mid 20s) with a book. A book and a jacuzzi? Not your best combination. But who was I to say anything? So he pulled over a chair, ostensibly so he could sit with his feet in the jacuzzi. However, sitting on the chair made his feet unable to reach the jacuzzi, so he decided to sit at the edge of the jacuzzi. Yes, with the book. The wet book.

I decided to leave the jacuzzi at that point since I was a bit concerned that whatever was wrong with him might be contagious (and it was time to leave anyway).

I showered, dressed, and then, before blow drying my hair, went to put on makeup. You see, not only is my skin naturally very red, but showering reddens it to the point that people who see me after a shower normally say “Have you been crying?” Makeup is a must. As I looked in the mirror I could see where the antibiotic my grandson had spit out in the morning was adorning my silk blouse.

I had forgotten that the makeup was almost gone and when I pushed down on the little plunger, nothing came out. I unscrewed the top, added a little water, shook, and applied some to the sponge. It was only when I did that the second time that the plunger worked a little too well. The makeup sprayed onto the front of my blouse.

Now if you don’t use makeup or if you are a man (who I hope doesn’t use makeup, but who knows these days?) you may not know that makeup does not easily come out of fabric. I immediately took my towel out, wet it, and began frantically wiping the front of my blouse. As much as I tried to get it clean, it wasn’t working. So, I decided to add some liquid hand soap to the wet towel and rub very hard. It appeared that the makeup was actually starting to come out, but while rubbing the blouse very hard, I had actually pulled off a button that closed a strategic area. I knelt on the floor and found the button, put it in my cosmetic bag and then contemplated my next move. I now had a blouse that was wet on most of the front with no button to close where a button should be. I had no safety pin. Instead, I dug back into the gym bag and got out the long wide piece of fabric (a pareo) that I put over myself on the way to and from the shower. It became a very large scarf that I put over my shoulders and tied in a large tie across my chest.

So here is the lesson I learned: You may think that it was not to judge Mr. Book-in-the-jacuzzi, but alas, that was not the real lesson, although I do understand that now. In fact, it was to understand that what an almost one year old can do to my blouse is nothing compared to what I can do to it.