Dr Savta’s web log

It has come to my attention that there are a number of cults here in Israel that are run by “rebbetzins” (rabbis’ wives). It seems that their followers believe that these women have a direct connection with the Creator of the universe and that by being part of their group, they will reap some benefits. For example, these leaders know what G-d is thinking, and that’s pretty important knowledge. In return for being a member of these cults, men have left their wives, mothers and fathers have been willing to beat and torture their children, and women have been willing to dress up in layers and layers of scarves and clothing that not only cover their whole body, but also their faces including their eyes.

So I got to thinking. My husband is a rabbi. In some weird way, that means that technically I am a rebbitzen. I certainly have as much access to the Creator of the universe as anyone else (who knows? maybe more….) So I have decided to start a cult.

Here’s what my loyal followers must do to show their devotion. I think it will be a bit easier in some ways than some of the other cults.

1. Respect the people around you. Treat them with kindness. Be patient.
2. Love the people in your family. Really love them. Smile when they enter a room, hug them when they are feeling sad, listen when they need to talk.
3. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy foods, get some exercise. Find time for some pleasurable activity. Don’t judge yourself or be too hard on yourself. You are human.

As to the contributions usually required to hear the prophecies, please give them to meaningful charities.

If you join my cult, I cannot promise you a trouble-free life, but I can promise you one that is meaningful and worth living.

Thanks, first of all, to my daughter Leah, mother of little Kinneret (sometimes called “Monkilee”) who has updated my blog and added the most recent test post. Although I have been using computers for almost 27 years (oh my gosh!!! Can it possibly be that long!) I am still intimidated by them as relating to them becomes more and more complicated. It’s a long way from the TRS-80 Model III to where we are today. We certainly have lots more to see and do on these new computers, but trying to do anything more than use them intimidates me.

Thanks, secondly, to my dear friend Sandy whose comment on a recent post left me speechless. Sandy and I have known each other for a very long time and she is 100% correct about having stood by me in my journey through life as a young brunette to a young blonde, back to a brunette, all the way through to my light brown dyed hair that might be gray, but I choose not to see it. She was with me through camp and high school and college- seeing me through my awkwardness and through my misadventures with boyfriends, through my broken heart, and through the joy of my engagement and marriage. Sandy shared my joy with the births of my children and followed me emotionally through my wanderings throughout the States and over to Germany and remained connected even after my aliya. I have shared in her joy with the birth of her children and their achievements and accomplishments. I was there to see her daughter marry and from a distance I have shared in her joy as one after another her grandchildren have been born (may they increase.) Sandy has always been kind and caring and friendly and genuine. Although she is multi-talented, she is humble and down-to-earth. Having her as part of my life has been and continues to be a blessing. So thank you to you, Sandy. Ad 120.

I know it. I have said this before– probably a few times before. But who goes to look at what I said a year or two or three ago?

It’s about appreciation.

We all learn to appreciate good health just about the time that our noses are running and coughing has become an Olympic sport.

We appreciate good weather when it’s pouring rain and we have errands to do.

We appreciate home cooking whe we’ve eaten out and the spices were not to our liking.

We appreciate those we love when they are far away.

Appreciation is what most people want from their spouses and family members. We all like hearing “thank you” and “I love you” and “I’m happy to see you.” We all like knowing that others value us. And yet, it seems that many people forget to let those they love know how much they are appreciated.

My mother was the kind of person who had so many issues of her own that she could not appreciate the people who were closest to her. For her, famiy members were only worthwhile in that they were available to meet her needs. If we didn’t meet her needs, we were useless. Sometimes her need was to show off. “Look how pretty/smart my daughter is!” and then we would be appreciated for a moment. Shows of affection were only given on camp visiting day– a hug and a kiss. No, scratch that, a kiss and then some motion of her fingers on my face either trying to wipe a blemish away or flick off a loose eyelash. I was never OK. I always needed some fixing up. Praise? No. Not even when I accomplished something noteworthy.

Did I grow up OK? I think I made it through. I needed to do a lot in terms of “being my own mother”– transforming her negative messages to me into healthier messages about trying and working hard and accepting even second best after a serious effort.

But our kids shouldn’t have to just “make it through” nor should our marriage. Appreciation costs us very little. It means we have to open our eyes and see what is in front of us and to take note of the kindness, the goodness, the sweetness, the devotion of the people around us and to let them know that we appreciate them.

As a therapist, one of my jobs is to help people to communicate more effectively with the people around them. I help people to express themselves in ways that are clear and non-blaming so that the other party is aware of their needs, but not provoked to defensiveness. I talk about saying things instead of just thinking them because people cannot read each others’ minds. Most of all, and especially when raising young children, I tell people that they need to give clear messages.

So that is one part of what I do. It is not necessarily the only thing I do in terms of communication.

A long time ago I had a very strange and interesting experience. It happened during my internship in Boston at a family therapy institute. I was working with a multi-problem family in a fairly intensive manner– seeing the wife perhaps twice a week and the couple at least once a week in addition to telephone calls during the week. My supervisor was a quasi-genius. He was the person who always had the answers I was looking for. I would tell him what was happening and he would help me figure out what to do next. This went on for weeks.

And then, one day, I caught him in the hall and said, “I need to talk to you about the Jones family.” (not their name) He said, “I don’t want to hear.” I was taken aback, but I just assumed that he was busy and it wasn’t a good time to talk. The next day when I saw him, I again said, “I need to talk to you about the Jones family.” (still not their name) He said, “I don’t want to hear.” This happened for a few days. I continued doing for them what I believed was the right thing, but I missed the support of my supervisor. It was only later that I began to understand that he was telling me that I needed to trust myself.

At the same time, I noticed that my supervisor was looking forlorn. He was missing that verve and energy that he had had earlier in the year. I asked him if everything was all right. He said that he was fine.

One day as I was going to my inbox at the agency, I was carrying money in my hand for the coffee machine. As I reached into my box, some of it fell and I gathered it up as well as I could. Apparently I hadn’t found it all because when my supervisor came over to get something from his box, he found a nickel. He said, “Hmmm, where did this come from?” I jokingly responded, “It’s a payment for being good.” He smiled and a tear came to his eye. He took the nickel and put it in his pocket.

From then on, from time to time, I would leave him a nickel. He didn’t ever acknowledge it. Several months later we were in a group supervision setting and he said to me in a gentle voice, “I don’t need those payments anymore.” The other students didn’t know what he was talking about. One asked, “Was this some kind of token economy?” He answered, once again with a tear in his eye, “No, it was so much more than that.”

We never spoke of what had transpired, but by the end of the year he was looking more energetic and happier.

I moved away to Oklahoma. A couple of years later I saw him at a conference. I told him how much I appreciated everything he had taught me both directly and indirectly. I told him that I now understood the power of indirect messages.

He said, “Yes, I was really screwed up that year.”

But whether he meant to or not, he did teach me about the power of the unsaid, the gesture, the non-verbal communication. And now I teach that to others.

It seems that there are people who in an attempt to be very honest and to be sure that they are not misleading people will state things in ways that cause uncertainty and discomfort. Someone I know, when asked to do someone a favor will reply “I’ll try to do it.” Now I don’t know about you, but I would much rather hear, “Yes, I’ll do it!” After all, most people understand that sometimes even with the best intentions, people are not able to do what they’ve committed themselves to doing. Someone who is going to “try” may be someone who will let you down, because he/she has not fully committed.

Let’s look at another way in which this “honesty” can create discomfort. You are taking a child to a new place or to have a new experience. The child is apprehensive. Here’s what NOT to say: “If everything works out well, you should have a nice time.” Say instead “I think you will love it!”

What we say really does change how people view things, whether it’s helping people feel more certain or enabling people to happily anticipate something new. All of us understand that sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to, but there’s always time for correction or explanations later. If we try to prevent disappointment, no matter how small the risk, we are at the same time robbing people of a feeling of security and happy anticipation.

Over ten years ago, I joined a mailing list for people who were interested in making aliya to Israel. English speakers who already were living in Israel answered the questions of those who were contemplating aliya. I got to “know” many of the people on the list from their postings. There were the generous and kind ones (most of them), the intellectuals (some of them also falling into the first category), the “I know everything better than you do’s”, the “I may not know, but it doesn’t stop me from preaching’s,” “I made it in Israel, but you probably can’t’s” and other assorted people.

Some of the people were people I got to meet in real life and aside from having a very different physical appearance than what I had pictured, they were exactly who I thought they were. It is/was a very special group of people.

But not everyone on the list was an answerer… there were those who asked questions. One, in particular, had a a very winning way of asking questions. I read as he asked about aliya– where it would be good for him to live given his “black hat.” It seemed like only a few months before he was here and asking how to get a stain out of his shirt. In a fllash, he was asking about wedding halls, and in what seemed like no time at all, he was asking about maternity hospitals. Then he asked about pediatricians and recently asked for more information about where he could receive services appropriate to his daughter.

As I smiled at his latest posting, I realized that if I were standing behind him in a checkout line, I would not be able to identify him, yet, I have watched his life change over the years and find myself hoping that he will have the pleasure of seeing his family grow and that together he and I and my family and friends and millions more people I don’t know will enjoy living in a safe, secure Israel.

Sometimes it’s the small things that are the ones that bring you the most joy.

I am blessed that my two daughters both live within a 10 minute walk of my home. I am able to see them frequently, usually for a few minutes or an hour at a time, and that feels very comfortable to me.

I see my younger daughter usually a couple of times during the week and almost always at synagogue on shabbat. We have always been close. I see her baby enough to see the day by day changes as her awareness of the world grows. Now that she knows her name and consistently smiles when she sees me, I am working on teaching her to give a kiss. Just yesterday when I said the word “kiss” I saw her pucker up her lips!

I see my older daughter less. The busy working mother of 5, pregnant with her 6th, she barely has time for herself, let alone spare time to spend with me. We talk on the phone, I catch a few minutes here and there when I stop by to drop off or pick up something or someone, and I call to her as we pass her home on the way back from synagogue on shabbat. Usually she and her husband and at least the two little girls come out to their garden to greet us– her little girls with their happy smiling faces and their cheerful voices! Sometimes her older children come out too.

And there are, of course, the family events where all of my children gather. I really am blessed.

But yesterday I received a call from my older daughter and she had a morning free! We left Modi’in on a sunlit day and drove to Jerusalem and spent time walking together and looking in shop windows and having lunch. We talked about the past and the present and the future. How sweet it was! After all of the years of mothering and the years of worrying and seeing her through difficult times, yesterday was such a wonderful affirmation of our relationship. Beautiful (as she always has been), intelligent, accomplished, and possessing a grace and serenity, there was my daughter, there with me. We finished our meal and walked back to the car through the bustling Jerusalem streets.

It was a perfect day.

And when I got home, who was there but my younger daughter and her baby and our new “adopted” daughter! More happiness, more pleasant conversation, more exchanging of kindness and compassion.

Later, after they left, my husband said to me, “Would you like to go out to dinner?” And so we did. Again, it was lovely just sitting and talking and enjoying life.

It was a perfect day

I thank my dear daughter for the opportunity to wrack my brain to answer this meme. I had thought that she would have stopped keeping me up all night about 28 years ago, but last night’s foray into the wonderful world of CT scans was only the latest of our late-night bonding sessions. As she pointed out, in one of the more successful ones, she ended up coming home with a baby. All kidding aside, this was an interesting one to work on. Answers are not necessarily in any logical order.

8 passions in my life:
1. My husband, despite his beard
2. My children– who couldn’t be more terrific
3. The dentist, the juggler, the nurse, and the professor (in alphabetical order)
4. My grandchildren– each and every one of those magnificent young people– they all make me very proud!
5. My extended family including my sister and my cousins and others we include as family
6. The Land of Israel
7. People who walk humbly with G-d
8. China

8 things to do before I die:
1. Live 120 years (or more if I’m still having fun)
2. See my grandchildren grow up
3. Spend lots of leisure time with my family
4. Be a great-grandmother
5. Get my house in enough order that my kids won’t curse me when they’re cleaning it out
6. See the people of Israel living without external threats
7. See all of the Jews come home
8. Let those I love know how much I love them

8 Things I often say:
1. You always have to behave yourself
2. Somebody’s got to be the grownup
3. Take it easy
4. Take care of yourself
5. Be kind to each other
6. Okie Dokie
7. I sure could use a coke
8. Where are my keys?

Eight Books I read recently

1. Wild Swans- Jung Chang
2. To Live- Yu Hua
3. Chronicle of a Blood Merchant- Yu Hua
4. Mao’s Last Dancer- Li Cunxin
5. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan- Lisa See
6. Empress- Shan Sa
7. Leaving Mother Lake- Yang Erche Namu & Christine Mathieu
8. Mao: The Unknown Story- Jung Chang and Jon Halliday

8 songs that mean something to me:
1. Try to Remember
2. The Green Leaves of Summer
3. Shanghai Breezes
4. HaMalach Hagoel
5. Min HaMaamakim (Idan Raichel)
6. Let Me Call You Sweetheart
7. Ki Tin’am
8. Ra’iti Ir Otefet Or

8 Qualities I look for in a friend:
1. Kindness
2. Healthy outlook
3. Good sense of humor
4. Self-awareness
5. Intelligence
6. Optimism
7. Energy
8. Passion

8 people I am tagging
Everyone I know personally who has a blog has already been tagged. Anyone reading this who wishes to be tagged, consider yourself tagged and please link back and leave a note so that I can find where you’ve posted.

Is your husband/wife driving you nuts? Does s/he sound hostile, negative or generally unhappy? Love him/her! Tell your spouse how proud you are to be married to him/her. Be generous with praise, kindness, and helpfulness. Do it even if you think it isn’t appreciated. Do it more and more and more.

Sometimes people go through bad times emotionally because of changes in life stages or physical concerns. People become overwhelmed with the tasks of life, with the worries of others, with their feelings of frustration. They may act withdrawn or angry. Their spouse feels hurt, left out, angry in return and then everything begins to deteriorate.

It is exactly when your spouse is the least lovable that s/he needs the most love, concern, and caring. It’s not about fairness; it’s about the relationship that you hope to have in the future.

Negative cycles can begin for the most insignificant reasons and deteriorate easily into anger and acrimony. But the test of love and devotion is to be there with your spouse at those times and to continue to give and give and then give some more in the knowledge that once again someday s/he will be back with you as a partner and a lover and someone with whom you will feel happy to share you life.

There are a few things that are, for me, principles of parenting that should not be violated. One of them is that parents should not lie to their children.

To me, it seems like a “no-brainer.” Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, they cannot feel safe and secure. That means that they should be able to trust the things that we tell them. Therefore, except in rare, extreme situations, we should be very careful to tell them the truth.

So it came as a shock to me that today I heard of two instances where the parents lied to their children. They lied when there was no good reason to lie. One lied because it was easier for her than explaining things to her children and the second lied because she wanted to say what she needed to say to calm her daughter down.

In the case of the first mother, her lie will become clear when the family is invited to the wedding of their uncle and his “wife” who, their mom told them, were already married. The children will find out. It’s a sure thing. And then what will they think of their mother?

The second case, though is much more toxic. In this case, the teenage daughter had feelings of not being respected and not being taken seriously. She had good reason not to trust her mother who had failed to protect her in the past. She pleaded with me to ask her mother to honor a very reasonable request she had made of her. I did so. The mother told me that she would comply with her daughter’s request. I spoke with the daughter and told her that her mother had agreed. Today, three days later, the mother called in a panic. The daughter had become very angry and upset. In the course of explaining what had gone on in the last couple of days, the mother spoke of having twice done what her daughter asked her not to do. The mother had called me to ask me to speak with her daughter. I said to her, “What about the promise you made to her?” She said, “I never promised.” I said, “You told ME that you would comply!” She said, “Well, that was for THAT day.” I told her that now that I had no credibility with her daughter since she had lied to me and I had vouched for her, she needs to find someone who will have credibility to help the daughter.

I think that what I did may have shocked the mother, but I needed to shock her because she has denied her daughter the most important gift we give our children, security. If a parent is not reliable, if a parent lies, if a parent pretends to respect the child and doesn’t, then the child will lack the security he or she needs to grow up whole and healthy.