Dr Savta’s web log

People have an amazing range of behavior. Unlike other animals who act out of instinct, we have the ability not only to to choose among a number of goals but to plan our behavior in an attempt to achieve them.

What surprises me, though, is how often people use this ability to sabotage themselves and actually make life worse for themselves. For example, there are people who choose to be angry for long periods of time– sometimes for their whole life. They may legitimately have been done wrong or they may feel themselves wronged. What they do with the anger and frustration they feel determines what their lives will be like. If they choose to remain angry, they are embarking on a lifetime of unhappiness. They may feel as if their anger is punishing the other person or persons who have wronged them. They may feel justified and righteous about the anger. They may choose to act angry, talk angry, and be angry– all in an attempt to set the record straight. After a while, their anger becomes their close friend, their identity. It feels right- familiar if not comfortable. But, in fact, they are harming themselves and the people they love.

Anger makes people look harsh. It make them age prematurely. It takes away the joy from their lives. It hurts the ones they love the most.

So what is one to do? Well, if there is hurt, then something has to happen to make it go away. If the person who did the hurting did it maliciously, then there really isn’t the possibility of talking it over. So what we need to do as healthy adults is to find a way to let go of the anger. Sometimes physical activity works to dissipate the tension. Sometimes talking with a friend who can be a sounding board is helpful. Sometimes sitting and writing about it helps to get the hurt out. But ultimately, to live a good life, it’s important to let the anger go.

People can choose to have a good life. They can choose to transform negative experiences into growing experiences that sensitize them to others’ hurts and enable them to bring kindness and healing to others.

A number of years ago a young woman, Shoshana Greenbaum, was murdered in the Sbarro’s bombing in Jerusalem. Her husband, Shmuel, has turned his pain into a campaign for kindness. Anger, although fully justified, would have achieved nothing. It would have prolonged his pain. His decision to respond with kindness is allowing him to rebuild his life.

If he could make that decision, can’t the rest of us?

I was about to entitle this “I had a friend” and then I remembered, that was exactly the point… I HAVE a friend…. but I’ll explain.

A hundred years ago when I was a young mother with four little children- ages 1, 2, 4, and 5.5 I taught Lamaze classes on the Army post where my husband was stationed. It happened by accident. After the birth of our first child by the standard “grin-it-and-bear-it until the saddleblock” method, I realized that I probably could have avoided the saddleblock injection that relieved me of about 5 minutes of pain and left me lying flat for 6 hours to avoid an unbearable headache. So with the next pregnancy, I read a lot of books and went to Lamaze classes and learned coping mechanisms to help me through my next labor. And the next three labors were a lot easier.

We moved from Pittsburgh, where our two youngest (at the time) children were born to the Army post where there were a lot of young families, many of whom were having their first and second and third children. Among these people was a couple who wanted to learn Lamaze and knowing I had taken the course and had had my babies using Lamaze techniques, called me to ask me if I would teach them. I responded that although I had read literally every book there was on childbirth, I had no formal medical background and so didn’t feel comfortable teaching. The husband responded that he was a physician and he would be available for the medical information, and so I consented and taught them. Within a month, two more doctors and their wives came for classes and then yet another and soon the word got around. In a short time I was giving course after course to couples on the post.

And then one day, someone told me that in the nearby town there was a husband and wife who were also giving Lamaze classes. I didn’t know about them until then and my first thought was that they would feel as if I had encroached on their territory. Of course, I was not working for money. Until that point, I taught because I enjoyed it and the couples continued coming. The idea of charging never occured to me. So that probably made it even worse because I was giving away for free what I assumed they were charging for.

But still, I decided to get in touch with them in the hopes that we could find common ground and maybe even help each other.

I dialed the number with trepidation, but after the initial introduction was greeted in the warmest, friendliest manner. Marcia and I must have talked for an hour or more that first time. Within a day or two I went to her house to meet her in person.

Between us developed a friendship like no other. I can describe her with these words: gracious, caring, giving, unselfish, kind, loving. Marcia has always been a truly generous person— and I am not talking about material generosity. I am talking about the ability to be present freely and wholeheartedly in another’s life. She has patience, and grace. Around her, I always knew that everything would be all right.

We left that Army post in 1976. I remember that the parting was painful. I can’t trace our friendship through the years other than a brief encounter on our way to Oklahoma in 1984. But the wonders of email have connected us once again and we once again are sharing our lives.

Yesterday, I wrote her “Whenever I hear from you it reminds me of how much I miss you after all these years. You were a really good friend.” She responded, “What’s this about “WERE”??”

You are, as always, right, Marcia. You ARE a really good friend, a blessing.

As a rabbi, my husband often would teach children basic theology. He would talk to them about the things that we see that are beautiful and wonderful and talk about the feeling we get when we experience them. He would talk about the trees and flowers and mountains and waterfalls and how they are really special creations. He would talk about the stars and the planets and the wonder of their creation. He would talk about the miracle of the birth of a baby. Through the years, I think I appreciate all of these creations more and more. As we travel through the world and see magnificent sights and experience the wonders of the world- both natural and manmade, I am awed at the beauty of the world.

But in the last several days, I felt a wonder that I never knew before. Our group that traveled to China was made up of 19 people. Think of a descriptive term for a person (e.g., age, gender, religious affiliation, country of birth) and there was an enormous diversity in every description, yet these people became the most caring, kind, loving family group that one can imagine. Older and younger, they became each others’ family members. From caring for each other (holding me up when I almost fainted at the Great Wall) to bargaining together (a bargain basement price for massages) to buying dozens of items for the “best price,” to making sure that we had a proper birthday celebration for one of the group, to singing together as we rode in rickshaws through the hutong — they were the most amazing example of what goodness exists in the world- of how people can come together and care for each other and have a really good time together.

So to the group, I say “kol haKavod” (way to go!) and to the rest of you: here’s an example you should follow.

When my sister and I were young, there was a song that Rosemary and Betty Clooney used to sing called “Sisters.” We learned it in honor of our grandparents’ 35th wedding anniversary where we sang it wearing lavender organdy dresses that were custom made for us. I was 10, she was 5. I am pretty sure that we were adorable. I know for a fact that people really enjoyed our little act because for years afterwards we were asked to perform it and by the time I got to about 13 it was downright embarrassing.

But the truth is that there is a very special link between sisters that is almost indescribable. Which is why my sister, though far away, is always with me and why she, on her first web site did a sister page with pictures of sisters in our family. The very nice thing is that with the exception of our youngest granddaughter, all of our granddaughters have sisters. And this newest little girl has two little girl cousins living half a block away who she likely will see very often.

What is it about sisters that is so special? Well, we grow up together. We learn to have the same frame of reference. We often have the same sense of humor, but we certainly have lots of associations in common. We are reminded of the same experiences. The cast of characters in our lives is the same. We remember how Aunt Gladys* took a drawer pull from the spare bedroom in our parents’ house and Uncle Tom liked to eat his soup after the meal. We remember Aunt Lucy who didn’t want to kiss her husband at their wedding because it wasn’t hygienic and Cousin Myron who went off to become a cult leader. And we giggle and we smile. We enjoy sitting in cafes and playing “fashion cop” and after a few years with people dressing well here, I am happy to report that we are back in business as exposed navels and tattoos have begun to proliferate. But we also like to share thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams.

Which is not to say that brothers don’t have a similar experience. However, the male need for close intimate bonds is different no matter what the books may say.

And so now, when my sister is visiting, I have the pleasure not only of sharing time with her, but of enjoying my two daughters’ relationship with each other and the growing bonds of the daughters of all of my children.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty

It’s a little sad that the sixties still have a hold on us. In the sixties, we learned that the most important person in our lives was ourself and “if it feels good, do it.”

It seemed sensible to some people at the time. It seemed particularly sensible to college students who were discovering themselves. It seemed sensible to people who liked having a good time and didn’t want to take on responsibilities.

But it was bad. What it did was legitimize our becoming egocentric. It made it OK to say “me first.”

Which might work… when it comes to achieving in certain fields or when pushing oneself to excellence, but it doesn’t work in human relations and surely not when one is a husband or wife.

Because the secret of a good marriage is putting your spouse first—saying and doing things that will make him or her happy, listening even when you are bored or tired, doing things in the house even when you are falling off your feet, being kind and respectful, taking walks together even when you have no desire or energy and continuing to smile and be pleasant even when you wouldn’t have chosen the shared activity.

Not fair? Of course not. When I talk to couples about the tasks in marriage, I tell them that each of them has to give 100%. Marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. It is simply too complex to be left to each one hoping the other will pick up the slack. Each member needs to do it all—to give and give and give and give and not to imagine ever receiving.

“What’s in it for me?” you ask. A spouse who feels important and loved will be a real partner,and together both of you working very hard can create a bond the provides warmth and support and love for the rest of your life.

For some people, it’s beautiful music. For some, it is flowers and soft lighting. For some it is mountain views. For others, it is a walk at water’s edge. For me, it is people talking, people interacting.

“It” is beauty. And for me, the people who are talking are husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. When I hear them talking softly, gently to each other, I think there is nothing more beautiful. When I hear people telephoning their spouse, parent, child and speaking in sweet, loving terms, I feel happy. When I see them whispering to each other, holding each other’s hands, embracing and smiling at each other, I am filled with awe.

When I was young, I used to think that people were programmed to be kind to their close relatives. Unfortunately, that often is not true. In my practice I have seen people treat their family members unkindly. They shout at them, call them names, try to gain the upper hand. They work to control them, to disable them, and they destroy their self-respect.

It is so easy to be kind. It is so easy to show love and caring. But after all of the years of working with people who are unkind to each other, when I see it being done right, I can’t help but think of it as beauty.

I don’t think you have been listening. Recently I have heard too many very sad stories about families from the family therapists I am supervising. Or maybe I said it in a way that was not clear to you. So please, please, listen to me this time….

If you are a married person trying to create a successful family, this is something you must understand. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in your life is your spouse! THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP in your life is with your spouse. THE SECURITY OF YOUR FAMILY resides in the quality of your relationship with your spouse.

Let’s look at healthy people: They are people who know who they are because they have grown up in a loving, caring, considerate home where their mother and father have demonstrated the ability to value each other, discuss things, compromise, and most of all, RESPECT each other.

Take away the respect, consideration, caring and love between the parents and you get children who do not know boundaries, do not understand how to value others, do not understand what relationships are all about.

There are mothers who believe that they are all their children need. THEY ARE WRONG!!! The relationship between mother and father is the foundation of family life. The foundation cannot rest on pillars erected on only one side. The entire building will collapse. Children build their future relationships on those they have seen in the past, particularly the relationship between their parents which becomes the model for what they will do when they marry. Parents OWE their children the opportunity to experience a warm, loving, caring, and respectful relationship. No amount of spoiling and indulgence on the part of one parent will make up for that lack.

A long time ago I read somewhere that the best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. I couldn’t agree more. I would only add that the best gift a mother can give her children is to love their father.

Class is something you can have whether you are rich or poor. It depends not on who you are, but on how you regard yourself.

Let me give you an example: Many years ago I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference in Phoenix. At this conference, proponents of every major school of psychotherapy spoke and interacted with their colleagues in dialogues and case conferences. It was an amazing experience. In fact, a book, “The Lourdes of Psychotherapy” by Carlos Amantea, was published about it.

At the conference one afternoon, a panel of psychotherapists was considering a case that had been submitted by one of the participants. Each therapist was to analyze the case and suggest treatment using his/her own paradigm. On the panel were, of course, highly distinguished therapists. One of them was Jay Haley, a well-known, well-respected family therapist. After he presented his analysis, another therapist on the panel, Dr. *********, responded to it negatively and finished his response by referring to “Mr. Haley. Am I correct that it is MR. Haley?” Of course all of the others had PhD’s and MD’s, but Haley’s degree was an MA. The room grew silent. Haley looked over toward the other therapist and answered politely, “You are correct, DR. *********”

I don’t know if I imagined it or if there really was applause after his response, but all I could think was “what a gentleman!” Now that was class!

Class is when you don’t lower yourself to the level of another person even when he or she is trying to goad you, force you, or trick you into doing so. It is being who you are and what you stand for no matter what the challenge.

In Israel, there is not a very wide understanding of class. If someone yells at you and you don’t respond in kind, you are thought of as weak, afraid, intimidated. Yet, if you really have class, you know how to rectify most situations without resorting to insults and threats.

This concept, for me, extends to graciousness. One of the things I taught my children was this: if there is something that you have to do—something that a parent or a boss or someone else who has some power over you requires, do it with good grace- with a smile, and with kindness. After all, you have to do the job anyway. Why make it harder for yourself and create strife as a result? Tasks you do with a smile on your face are not nearly as difficult as those you do in anger. Anger creates muscle tension and wrinkles. Who needs it!

It doesn’t really take much except a sense of self and you too can be a class act!

Let’s talk about respect.

I get a lot of people coming to my blog searching for respect. Sometimes they are looking for respect from their children. Sometimes they want respect from their teens. I am going to try and help them get it today (and now you can have it too, without even asking!)

Here is the definition of respect from the free dictionary

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

So what parents are asking is that children be appreciative, that they honor and esteem them, and that they show them consideration. All of this makes perfect sense. After all, parents are the people who have cared for these children. They have given them food, clothing, shelter, and above all else, love. They have protected them, advocated for them, treated their bruises and wiped their noses. Children should appreciate them.

But is appreciation inborn? Well, there are theories that say it is not. In fact, when we are infants, we like being fed and cared for, but when the caregiver doesn’t show up at our beck and call, we get pretty peeved. We think that he/she is withholding from us what he/she should freely give. We don’t have the capacity to understand yet that we are not the center of the world.

In a normal home environment, a baby begins to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him/her. Perhaps it happens because he or she has siblings who also demand attention. Perhaps it is because his/her parents simply explain to the baby from a very young age that sometimes Mom or Dad is busy and the child will simply have to wait. At some point, most parents teach their children that waiting patiently is a good idea. That cannot be accomplished if after waiting, the child still does not receive what he’s been waiting for.

You see, for an infant and for a young child, the universe is very confusing (Sometimes I think we adults are fooling ourselves if we think that even we can figure it out). So what the child does is to try and figure it out by applying logic. The logic goes something like this: “I want something. I scream and yell and kick my feet and finally, they either give it to me or give me a cookie to shut me up.” What the child has learned is that crime *does* pay. If the parents are consistent and tell the child that, “If you can’t wait nicely, then you will not get it” and MEAN it, then the child will learn to wait nicely. He/she will figure out that crime doesn’t pay. It’s the consistency that children use to build their image of the world and what it offers and how to get it. A child who does a good deed for a parent on a whim (making the parent’s bed or taking out the trash) and is rewarded for it by smiles, hugs, or a similar gift of love from the parent, will understand that doing good produces good. If the parent doesn’t notice or says “but you didn’t make the bed right” or “you dropped some trash on the way out” and doesn’t show any appreciation, then the child doesn’t learn about appreciation and gratitude. In fact, he/she learns that trying to get good things from parents by helping in the house won’t work.

Children give us a myriad of opportunities to make the right decisions. No parent is 100% consistent, but the more consistent the parents are, the more predictable the world becomes for the children and the more the children will see the parents as people who are fair and stand by what they say. Respect is gained by being that consistent, predictable person that the child needs to help him/her figure out the world.

But that isn’t all. Of course it’s more complex than that. If a child doesn’t feel respected, he/she will not give respect. I have seen on many occasions the following type of dialogue between parent and child.

Parent: So which do you want, the red one or the blue one?
Child: I want the blue one.
Parent: But the red one is so much nicer.

So the child has been offered a choice. The parent then tells the child that he/she made the wrong choice. This is the ultimate in disrespect. If the parent wasn’t ready to accept either choice as equally valid, he/she should not have offered the choice at all and simply said, “I would like to buy you the red one.” A non-acceptable choice should never be offered by the parent.

Similarly, the parent needs to respect differences in tastes and perceptions as long as they are not harmful. A teenage girl should be allowed to buy clothing that the mother would not have chosen for her because of style, color, or pattern, but the mother has the perfect right to veto the purchase of something that is inappropriate to wear (too short, too revealing, etc.).

So I am not advocating the abandonment of standards, of course not! In fact, mother/father holding the child to standards is something that engenders respect from the child. They may resent mother/father imposing standards, but they respect the parent’s willingness to stand up for what they view as important. A parent who folds in the face of pressure is a parent who is less likely to be respected.

Finally, respect is something that is caught, not taught. If mother and father show respect for each other even when they differ, if the children see esteem and valuing on the part of the parents for each other and toward the children, they will come to be people who can value and appreciate their parents.

Why is it that some people “do” life so badly? It seems to me that people given even the most rudimentry education, a modicum of love, and exposure to societal norms should be able to figure out how to have a good life. I am not talking about making money. Money is what puts the food on the table and clothes on one’s back. It is necessary, but not sufficient for a good life.

So what is a good life? Well, I think it starts with feeling OK. I mean truly OK, not “well, no matter what I do to others, if I am happy, it’s OK.” I mean having the sense that you are spending your time and energy on things that are good and worthwhile and enjoyable and helpful. I mean having the sense that life is an opportunity for happiness and kindness and connection with others. A person who wakes up in the morning with a natural curiosity, a measure of optimism, and plans for the future is doing life well. A person who is able to listen to others, learn from them, use his/her experiences to grow, and who is able to change– is doing life well. A person who can give without worrying about when they will receive, is doing life well.

I am constantly amazed at how many people either can’t get it right or for some reason mess it up. They get themselves into impossible situations. They overspend, drink too much, find romantic attractions outside of their marriage. They become addicted to drugs and gambling. They end up lying to their spouses and families, having no energy for family life. They cheat, they swindle, they shoplift, they shortchange. As much as they hurt others, they hurt themselves. Others will go on to have better days. Others can avoid them, but they must live with themselves.

The first step in rebuilding a life is to take responsibility for where one is at the moment. People who blame parents, spouses, society, and fate are doomed to remain where they are. Those who take responsibility for their situation then are empowered to change it. And change is possible. Debts can be repaid. Relationships can heal. Sometimes it takes some outside help, and skilled, qualified therapists can be a godsend. People can choose to change and to do life well.