When I was a little girl, I would often read ahead in one of our reading books at school while the class was engaged in something I had already done. I came to one story, however, that had a word that I didn’t understand. Oh, I could pronounce it fine. The word was “detour†and I was able to sound it out. I knew that it was pronounced “det-our†(debt hour.) Of course, since I was reading ahead, I couldn’t ask the teacher what a det-our was, but I thought I would understand when I read the story.
Well, it seems that someone was in a car and was driving home when he came to a det-our. For some reason, he could not proceed and tried to go another way. There was a det-our, but he didn’t want to take it. He went through forests and woods and who knows where else, and finally, after many hours, reached home. The great denouement came when he found out that by taking the det-our, he would have been home much faster.
So I had read the story and still had no clue what a det-our was. When I got home, I asked my mother what a det-our was. She asked me what I was talking about, so I showed her the story. She told me that the word was detour and she explained to me what it meant. I went back to the story and suddenly it made a lot more sense.
There was a refrain at the end of the story that went “the longest way ‘round is the shortest way home.†What it meant was that if the person had followed the signs, and not taken the “shortcut,†even though he would have driven farther, he would not have encountered as many obstacles and would have arrived at his destination a lot faster.
I think of that lesson sometimes when I see people with their young children. In a typical scenario, when a child misbehaves in public, the parent responds in one of several ways.
1. He/she is oblivious
2. He/she ignores it
3. He/she tries to distract the child
4. He/she calls to the child and verbally corrects him/her
5. He/she gets up and picks up the child to hold and/or to talk to
The shortcuts of remaining oblivious and ignoring the behavior are a lot easier for the parent. The parent can maintain composure and relax. Of course it doesn’t stop the behavior and for the child, there is no learning. If the behavior is self-reinforcing (like drawing on a wall or taking cookies from the cookie jar at the wrong time, it may even become strengthened and therefore more likely to recur.
Distractions often are effective, but they lack the educational aspect that can prevent a future occurrence of the unacceptable behavior.
Verbal correction, depending on the tone, may be helpful. Many parents, however, correct in such a tentative tone that they are actually giving their children mixed messages. “Honey, I would prefer if you didn’t color all over the table with lipstick†may, for some children, sound like there is still an option. Verbal corrections usually are only effective once the child has a real sense that he/she has a parent who will follow up if the behavior doesn’t cease.
Getting up to get the child, holding him/her, talking to him/her and explaining what the problematic behavior was and why it is unacceptable takes a lot of work, but it is the most effective way to teach a child how to behave in a socially acceptable manner.
For example: Janie is playing on the monkey bars and another child starts to climb. Janie starts shouting, “Go away! This is where I am playing!†and then pushes the other child. The parent then gets up, takes Janie from the scene, holds her and explains, “Janie, you must not push other children. The monkey bars are there for you to play on and for other children as well. There are lots of things that we need to share, and this is one of them. And you must never hurt another person.†The parent then takes Janie back so that Janie can apologize and then play nicely.
All of that takes energy, but sometimes the longest way ‘round is the shortest way home, because after not the first or the second or the third time, but eventually, the child begins to understand that there is a consistent message about how he/she is expected to behave.
The effort expended by parents in the early years of their child’s life is well rewarded and is far less than the energy that would be required when a child who has not been so trained becomes a teen who engages in dangerous and/or illegal behavior.
Parents are their children’s primary and most important educators. It’s important to take an active role in helping one’s child to develop into a responsible, caring person. There are no shortcuts. It’s hard work. But it’s worth it.
