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…and sometimes, just like that, He changes His mind

September 14, 2008 by

I have seen a decent number of films in my life. One of them that became iconic for me was “The Frisco Kid.” In it, a young, somewhat foolish, certainly naive new rabbi is sent by his eastern European yeshiva to serve a congregation in San Francisco. Our hero, played by Gene Wilder, arrives in the US in Philadelphia and the film covers his journey across the US where he meets the Amish (and thinks they are chassidim), a thief (Harrison Ford), and Indians, among others. He has many adventures.

At one point, the Indians, having decided that he was worthy of continuing to live because of his courage in preserving his sefer torah, ask him to ask his G-d to make it rain. It seems there has been a very long drought and they have prayed and danced and drummed, all to no avail. Our hero says, “My G-d doesn’t work like that,” meaning that he did not believe that his prayers would produce the much desired rain on demand. They insist he pray. He responds again, “My G-d doesn’t work like that” and then the heavens open up and the rain begins to fall- lots of it- and the people are ecstatic, and our hero says “…and sometimes, just like that, He changes His mind.”

I think of that whenever I am in a situation that seems hopeless. Things are not going well and despite a lot of effort, nothing seems to help. And then, all of a sudden, things get better. It happens to therapy clients. It happens to people in interpersonal relationships. It happens to people who are learning to do something that is awkward and difficult and then suddenly, it is second nature.

Life seems sometimes to offer discontinuous results. Things pop out of the air– things that one might have wished or hoped or prayed or worked hard for- and suddenly, at the most unexpected time, they happen. Good things.

Each year, just before Rosh HaShana I try to think of what I would like to wish those I love. Maybe this year, it be that these types of wonderful surprises will happen for them.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings, Spirituality

If my life were a Hallmark film

September 10, 2008 by

The film could open with the caption “September 10, 1972 — Fort Campbell, Kentucky”

We would be sitting around the kitchen table:
my husband in uniform

Benjy, blond haired, sparkling blue-eyed, inquisitive, 5 years old
Rachel, long silky haired, always busy, bubbly, full of laughter, 3 years old
Shmuly, curly brown-haired, devilish grinned, very cuddlesome, almost 2 years old
Akiva, blond haired, blue eyed baby, 5 months old

My husband would say to me, “Happy Birthday!” and I would look around the table and feel totally blessed. And he would say, “Now what do you wish for?”

And I would answer, “I want all of these children to have wonderful happy, healthy lives and to grow up and do meaningful things– to be kind to each other and to other people- to be sensitive and caring.

And he would say, “But for yourself…”

And I would say, “I want to live to see them grow up to adulthood.”

And he would say, “What would be your wildest dream?”

And I would say, “OK, I want to live to see Akiva’s wife give birth to their 6th child”

And he would laugh. And I would laugh, looking at our tiny baby.

And then the film would fade to today– and we would be picking up the phone and hearing,

“It’s a boy!”

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting, Ramblings

Parents and children

September 8, 2008 by

One of the things I like to do is to listen to Garrison Keillor and “Prairie Home Companion.” I love the wholesome (for the most part) Americana. I enjoy his story telling and the skits. Last night I was listening to a recent show and he ended it with singing “I still can’t say goodbye.” The song really touched me and so I found it on YouTube and listened a couple more times to let whatever it was that I was feeling wash over me.

What I was feeling was a longing for my father. I think it’s true that I still can’t say goodbye. He was a good man. He was gentle and loving. He taught me a lot about life. He was very deep and thoughtful. And I miss him. And yes, I still can’t say goodbye even though he’s been gone for 23 years.

I made me think about this: all of the time i was raising my children, I never felt as if I was very important in their lives. I knew they needed me physically to take care of them. They needed me to wash their clothes and make their meals and to buy them the things they needed– but I never had the sense that on a deep level they really needed me or even loved me. And they were good kids– every one of them. They were bright and clever and even mostly obedient. Yet I never had the feeling that I was all that important to them as a person beyond providing what they needed.

Did my father feel that way about me? Did my mother? For as difficult a person as she was, she was enormously important to me. Despite her moods and her critical manner, all I wanted was her approval and her love. If she was angry with me, the whole world looked gray. If she was happy, I was elated. Did she know how much power she had?

Do any of us parents really know how important we are to our children?

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting

Doings

September 7, 2008 by

We are still working on clarifying exactly what renovations we want to do, but we are very close to complete agreement. Then only item that is still unclear is one we only decided on adding within the last week. I am hoping that this week we will have a final plan and then can begin the process.

We had the pleasure of hosting a cousin of mine and her husband and daughter for shabbat. They are really wonderful people and we enjoy their visits a great deal. We were happy that as usual, our younger daughter and her husband and their daughter Kinneret were at services with us on Friday evening and very pleasantly surprised when our granddaughters Hadas, Lilach, Abigail, & Nomi came in followed by their mom and baby brother Yirmi (their brother Matan went to sit next to his Saba). How beautiful to see all of those gorgeous happy faces!

Last night we brought Sweet Pea and her parents home from the hospital.

We are on alert for the next birth… baby is due in 2 more days and mom is usually on time (this is her 6th!!!!!!)

And for the most distinctive aspect of this day– Today is the 9th birthday of the lovely Miss Dina Michelson!!

Filed Under: Family life

Notes

September 3, 2008 by

Note to OB/GYN staff: If the woman is doubled over in pain by contractions that have been coming every 2.5 minutes for the last 6 hours, she *is* in labor and deserves a place to lie down.

Note to charge person at labor and delivery: If a patient’s advocate tells you that there is no staff person– no doctor, nurse, midwife, or janitor– in the triage area for the last 20 minutes and then tells you they’ve checked by opening the doors of all of the rooms (all 4 of them) and finding no one, please try not to say “There is a midwife there.”

Note to big hospital complex: A place that sells foodstuffs other than soda, coffee and over-sugared pastries (perhaps even a vending machine!) should be open 24 hours.

Note to Hadassah ladies: We love your medical center. It is big and beautiful. It has lots of nice buildings, lots of intelligent, innovative and very kind people working there. Please send us some more anesthesiologists so that a woman in labor can get an epidural in less than 5 hours from when she is promised.

Note to G-d: Thank you for letting me witness a miracle today.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

First day of school

September 1, 2008 by

About 27 years ago I took my youngest child to nursery school. She was the fifth child in the family and as with the others, I felt happy.

The parents were asked to stay for the introductory session and after the teachers greeted the children and the parents, they gave out little paper cups with juice. As I watched my little girl take the paper cup in her two tiny hands and lift it to her mouth, tears filled my eyes. All I could think of was her vulnerability. She accepted and trusted that what the world was going to give her was healthy and good. She was so vulnerable, so trusting, so fragile and I was to some extent removing myself from the sole job of protecting her. Now I was relying on teachers to do it. But how could they ever care about her the way that I did?

Today I took Abigail to nursery school. It was not her first day; she was in school last year too, but it was her first day this year. She is three years old and looks very much like her mother (my second child). She resembles her in personality as well. She is very verbal, very clever, and she thinks about things you tell her. Today I watched her string beads with a deep concentration, choosing each bead carefully. I watched her play doctor as she typed on the computer keyboard and took a telephone call and checked all of the meds in the medicine cabinet. I watched her in the playground as holding my hand, she balanced herself walking across the tops of tires placed in the sand. As I looked at her serious face, I remembered my education professor reminding us all semester “children’s play is their work.”

I watched Abigail taking her first steps on those tires, spending her first day at school, and I felt incredibly sad.

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting

A embarrassment of riches

August 31, 2008 by

I hope I am not the only one to sometimes look at my life and wonder what I did to deserve all that has been given to me.

We have had a couple of wonderful weeks with children and grandchildren. We have enjoyed immensely the visit of our “bonus” grandson- a kind and clever and bright child who seemed to fit in perfectly with his “cousins.” We are imminently anticipating the birth of two more precious ones…

And today, after about 12 emails of discussion among the family members as to what to do and how and where to do it, we all got together. The problem was not only scheduling, which is always a problem, but also what to do with 23 children in the middle of the day when the sidewalks were hot enough to fry eggs that would meet the needs of little people from 5 months to 12 years (the two 14 year olds were not able to make it). In the end, we showed a movie in our living room with our video projector. It was cool in the house and believe it or not, there were enough seats for all of the children as well as the 12 adults. (Strangely enough, the 4 pregnant women all ended up sitting in the kitchen area…)

Although the pizza delivery took over 1.5 hours from when we ordered it, the pizza was hot (yeah, that was a no-brainer!) and even delicious. And there I was literally surrounded by love in every direction.

Tomorrow our “bonus” grandchild goes home. The other children start school. It was good that we all got to celebrate together the end of the summer vacation.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

All alone by the telephone

August 27, 2008 by

Let me preface this posting by noting that since we returned from our US adventure, there have been almost no moments without major activity. Between getting together with children, having grandchildren staying with us, trying to plan for our renovations, seeing clients, and now answering Shai Bar Ilan Geographical Tours toll-free US number on my cell phone, I have been very busy. And although our visitors left the home neat and the linens folded, I don’t have the house looking the way I want it to look.

And I didn’t imagine that I would get a chance to do anything before all of the kiddies are back in school and until the baby we are waiting for (the first of 4 due in the next 5 months) is born.

So today, when my husband took our son-in-law and his son (who is visiting from the States) to mini-Israel, I thought he would be back in an hour or so and our frenetic pace would continue. But he didn’t come back. And the time passed. And although I could have called him, I just kept waiting and watched a little TV (Fox News, to catch up on the latest in the presidential campaign) and read some things on the computer… when a couple of minutes ago (3.5 hours after he left) I got a call from my daughter telling me that they had gone out shopping and that he would be home soon.

And I realized that I had just spent 3.5 hours doing essentially nothing. Aside from answering a couple of emails and a couple of phone calls, I have been alone and idle.

It feels good.

And now, a word from our sponsor…………………………………….(just kidding… I do this all for fun!)

There are a lot of reasons why people should come on our trips to China and to Vietnam/Cambodia. Maybe someday I will list them– but the best reason is that they are fun. On these trip our travelers learn about the history and culture of the countries, see amazing things, visit gorgeous places, meet wonderful people and most of all have a lot of fun. We laugh and enjoy ourselves all day, all the time. We eat delicious food and we spend time with people who will remain our friends long after the trip is over. People who live far apart from siblings or parents find our trips great opportunities to spend time together when no one has to worry about cooking or cleaning or others’ work schedules. If you or anyone you know is interested in our trips, let me know.

Filed Under: China, Family life, Ramblings

Let me count the ways

August 25, 2008 by

How do I love them?
1. I love their happy little faces
2. I love their smiles and giggles
3. I love their excitement (at milking goats, at chickens in the trees)
4. I love their curiosity
5. I love their energy
6. I love their ways of pronouncing things
7. I love when they use big words
8. I love when they are kind to each other
9. I love the sparkles in their eyes
10. I love to watch them learn
11. I love seeing their first steps
12. I love seeing them learning and studying
13. I love hearing their questions
14. I love watching them eat
15. I love their sense of humor
16. I love the way they run instead of walk
17. I love that they see everything as new
18. I love when they laugh because others are laughing and they have no idea of why
19. I love when they grab me around my knees for a hug
20. I love having special travel partners
21. I love watching them grow
22. I love taking them places and talking to them
23. I love how they make their parents smile
24. I love when they are fresh and clean
25. I love them covered with chocolate and ice cream

And as for the big ones:
26. I love seeing them as parents
27. I love watching them care for and nurture their children
28. I love the gentleness they show their children
29. I love to watch them teach their children
30. I love seeing the pride they take in their children
31. I love seeing them accomplish important things
32. I love seeing them getting satisfaction from their work
33. I love seeing them receive recognition for what they do
34. I love knowing I’m their mom

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting, Ramblings

Since you asked

August 19, 2008 by

Ida Mae was a woman who helped me with the cleaning sometime in the period or 1972-1976. She would come once a week and when she left, the house not only looked clean, but it felt clean. Often she would fold laundry too.

At the time she worked for us, we had only the four older children and they were all very young. In August of 1972 when we arrived at Fort Campbell, KY, they were 4 months, 20 months, 3 years, and 5 years old. Ida Mae was not responsible for any child care, but sometimes if I needed to run out for milk or something quick, she would look after the children.

Once, when I returned, I asked where the two little boys were. She didn’t know. That worried me. She was sure they hadn’t left the house, but it was very quiet and they were nowhere in sight. By then the older of them was approaching 4 and the younger was 2.5. after looking in every room, I opened the large hall closet. The light was on. Immediately the older one came out holding a pair of school scissors (the kind made for children with the round edges that actually can’t cut anything). And then, the little one came out. Scalped. There was some hair on his head, but it was not near the hairline at the top of his face. He looked as if he had been attacked by a lawnmower. And then I looked at the older one* a little closer. He also had areas of missing hair. Ida Mae looked at me and said, “Well, they was quiet.”

Sometime later, the following summer, I was in the living room and I noticed “the barber” walking into the house on tiptoes holding a paper cup in one hand and the other hand covering it. He went to his room, spent a few seconds there, and left again. He came in once again, still walking in a stealthy, little-kid-like manner, with the cup, and then went back out again. This was repeated many many many times. I was curious, but being that he was occupied and wasn’t bothering anyone else, I didn’t ask him what he was doing nor did I try to investigate. After about the 30th time, I decided to go to his room to see what was going on. The room was clean. Nothing was out of place. I decided to look in his drawers. I opened one after the other and found nothing notable. Until the bottom drawer. I opened it and immediately tens of bees came flying out. Inside the drawer, there must have been a hundred bees. I quickly opened the window to shoo them out. “The barber” came to the room and started shouting, “My bee collection!!!! You ruined it!!!! You ruined it!!!!”

Ida Mae had taken care of the 9 children of a doctor in her town. One of those children was Ralph. At times like these, she would say to me, “Well he done remind me of Ralph.” At times like the hair disaster, at times like the bee fiasco, at other times or disaster when I was ready to turn in my mommy card and go home. I was afraid to ask her what ever became of Ralph. I was pretty sure that Ralph was serving 10-20 for mayhem. It took a couple of years, but finally I got up the courage. I asked her, “What ever happened to Ralph?” She paused. I held my breath. She smiled. She said, “Ralph…. well Ralph, he turned out the best of them all– he got all his foolishness out when he was young!”

Ida Mae. She was the best family therapist I have ever met.

*Heretofore to be termed “the barber”

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting, Ramblings
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