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I met a woman

November 15, 2007 by

I met a woman. I can’t tell you too much about her because she deserves her privacy, but trust me, this woman has been through heart-wrenching, excruciating, cutting, crushing pain in her life.

I found this out only after I had known her for a while.

Before that I thought of her as a sunny, loving, kind, caring person. She exuded warmth and that special inner beauty of hers was evident in everything she said and did.

That’s how I used to think of her.

But now that I know her story, I know that she is miraculous. I think of her as a hero.

I see so many people whose lives are objectively fine. Their husband/wife is too hard/too easy on the children. They don’t feel appreciated enough. They don’t get enough help around the house or their spouse expects too much of them. Some of these people make themselves miserable. They whine and moan, not just in therapy (where I get paid to listen) but to their friends and relatives and neighbors and children setting off time bombs that will erupt into divorce.

I want to introduce them to my miraculous woman…. because she knows how to value each joyful experience each kindness, each day.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings

Love your spouse

November 13, 2007 by

Is your husband/wife driving you nuts? Does s/he sound hostile, negative or generally unhappy? Love him/her! Tell your spouse how proud you are to be married to him/her. Be generous with praise, kindness, and helpfulness. Do it even if you think it isn’t appreciated. Do it more and more and more.

Sometimes people go through bad times emotionally because of changes in life stages or physical concerns. People become overwhelmed with the tasks of life, with the worries of others, with their feelings of frustration. They may act withdrawn or angry. Their spouse feels hurt, left out, angry in return and then everything begins to deteriorate.

It is exactly when your spouse is the least lovable that s/he needs the most love, concern, and caring. It’s not about fairness; it’s about the relationship that you hope to have in the future.

Negative cycles can begin for the most insignificant reasons and deteriorate easily into anger and acrimony. But the test of love and devotion is to be there with your spouse at those times and to continue to give and give and then give some more in the knowledge that once again someday s/he will be back with you as a partner and a lover and someone with whom you will feel happy to share you life.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings, Relationships

Once again, back from China

November 12, 2007 by

I returned from China on Friday morning, bringing with me a lot of souvenirs, including a French couple who had not known that the time of our arrival had been moved back 24 hours and who could not make it back to Paris before shabbat. Fortunately, they, like the others who traveled with me this time, we completely delightful people who were very considerate of me and so when I conked out at dinner Friday night and then at lunch Saturday morning, understood that it wasn’t personal.

Unpacking is always an adventure since in China one always picks up a little bit here and a little bit there and the prices are so reasonable, we find ourselves going and buying even more when it dawns on us that we can get many many items for not so much money. And always, there is the excitement of finding out just how many little ethnic doll keychains or little girls’ purses or magnetic bracelets I have managed to accumulate here, there, and everywhere.

And every item is happy! A couple of years ago when we traveled to Hungary and Austria, even the few souvenirs we could have afforded were dour, heavy, muted– like the experience we had traveling there. China is full of light and life. In the nooks and crannys of little villages, there is light and color and joy. Red “good luck” tassels and lanterns dot the landscape. Drying on the roof are corn and red peppers. The children smile and say “Hello!” The adults gladly pose for pictures, often displaying the “V” sign with their fingers. Men and women carrying heavy baskets laden with fruits and produce from poles suspended over their necks smile and bow and one feels from them a joy in their lives.

The Chinese people have been through terrible times. Between the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution, they saw starvation and death and devastation that dwarfs the experience of other nations. But there seems to be such a sense of happiness and purpose among the people. They are kind and helpful and despite having no language in common, they communicate with their visitors.

I always return from China with a feeling of wholeness, and each time I go, I anticipate it even more excitedly!

So now I am home, in the loving arms of my family, and looking forward to Thanksgiving and Hanuka but with the faint sound of the Chinese flute still echoing in my ears.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Draggin’

November 11, 2007 by

Just got home from the city of nine dragons and now I’m draggin’ too! China was once again beautiful beyond words and Hong Kong was, well, interesting…

More when I wake up…

Filed Under: China

The moral high-ground

October 25, 2007 by

Yesterday Israel commemorated the assassination of the late Prime Minister, Yitzchak Rabin. Twelve years ago, he was killed by a man who probably was unbalanced at the time and certainly was provoked by an agent of the Israel government, Avishai Raviv, who has since been sanitized and has disappeared from public view. The assassin has been in jail ever since.

People who teach the “Rabin Legacy” speak of “the right” as having killed Rabin. They speak of the rabbis and teachers whose speech led to it. This is of course, patently untrue. “The right” is not a monolithic group and it certainly does not have a tradition of killing its opponents. In addition, every person carries the responsibility for his own acts.

It was Rabin who pitted himself against “the right,” delegitimizing them in the service of his making a peace with the Arabs that even he knew was unlikely to come. It was he who characterized “the right” as being unworthy of consideration. His words and actions were harsh.

So now, each year on the anniversary of the assassination, the Rabin spokespeople talk about democracy and openness, and it was only last night that one of them said (referring to the assassin) “he and his whole disgusting family of insects…” and then went on in a high-toned manner to deplore “incitement.”

I think that Yitzchak Rabin’s assassination was a terrible, criminal act, but I despise the fact that those who revere him have used it to demonize a significant part of the population. If that is his legacy, it should best be forgotten.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings

Lies

October 24, 2007 by

There are a few things that are, for me, principles of parenting that should not be violated. One of them is that parents should not lie to their children.

To me, it seems like a “no-brainer.” Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, they cannot feel safe and secure. That means that they should be able to trust the things that we tell them. Therefore, except in rare, extreme situations, we should be very careful to tell them the truth.

So it came as a shock to me that today I heard of two instances where the parents lied to their children. They lied when there was no good reason to lie. One lied because it was easier for her than explaining things to her children and the second lied because she wanted to say what she needed to say to calm her daughter down.

In the case of the first mother, her lie will become clear when the family is invited to the wedding of their uncle and his “wife” who, their mom told them, were already married. The children will find out. It’s a sure thing. And then what will they think of their mother?

The second case, though is much more toxic. In this case, the teenage daughter had feelings of not being respected and not being taken seriously. She had good reason not to trust her mother who had failed to protect her in the past. She pleaded with me to ask her mother to honor a very reasonable request she had made of her. I did so. The mother told me that she would comply with her daughter’s request. I spoke with the daughter and told her that her mother had agreed. Today, three days later, the mother called in a panic. The daughter had become very angry and upset. In the course of explaining what had gone on in the last couple of days, the mother spoke of having twice done what her daughter asked her not to do. The mother had called me to ask me to speak with her daughter. I said to her, “What about the promise you made to her?” She said, “I never promised.” I said, “You told ME that you would comply!” She said, “Well, that was for THAT day.” I told her that now that I had no credibility with her daughter since she had lied to me and I had vouched for her, she needs to find someone who will have credibility to help the daughter.

I think that what I did may have shocked the mother, but I needed to shock her because she has denied her daughter the most important gift we give our children, security. If a parent is not reliable, if a parent lies, if a parent pretends to respect the child and doesn’t, then the child will lack the security he or she needs to grow up whole and healthy.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships

Where I am today…

October 24, 2007 by

It’s not that I have nothing to say; it’s that I have too much to say. Life gallops along at such a pace and in so many different ways that it’s hard to saddle it or begin to describe the path.

In the last few weeks I have been working with clients and feeling very gratified with their efforts to change. A long time ago I told my husband that I wanted to sell a needlepoint to therapists that said, “There are no good therapists; only good clients,” and it seems that recently, after not providing therapy for a couple of years, I have been lucky enough to be chosen by good clients.

At the same time, I have been getting ready to teach once again. When I entered the classroom a week and a half ago, I was gratified to find a group of intelligent, motivated women ready to seriously tackle the knowledge and skills needed to become therapists. Teaching them is a joy.

And, of course, there is China. Once again I am readying myself for an adventure. Already I hear the echoes of Chinese music that is relaxing and calming. In my mind’s eye, I already see the gardens. I see myself on a boat on the Li River viewing the magnificence of the Karst mountains. I am already picturing the Stone Forest.

I can’t help but smile remembering the man on the trip last spring who pretty much took everything in stride. He was enjoying the trip, but in a low-key way. As we rode in the little open air cart through the Stone Forest, he sat behind me. As I was once again appreciating its beauty, I heard him say in ever-rising tones, “This is fantastic; this is fantastic; this is fantastic; this is FANTASTIC!”

And I suppose that is what sums up my feelings about my trips to China.

I love being with people who are truly enjoying themselves, experiencing things that are new and nourishing.

And so as I pack and prepare for the trip, I have a high level of anticipation and excitement.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

About anger and healing

October 19, 2007 by

People have an amazing range of behavior. Unlike other animals who act out of instinct, we have the ability not only to to choose among a number of goals but to plan our behavior in an attempt to achieve them.

What surprises me, though, is how often people use this ability to sabotage themselves and actually make life worse for themselves. For example, there are people who choose to be angry for long periods of time– sometimes for their whole life. They may legitimately have been done wrong or they may feel themselves wronged. What they do with the anger and frustration they feel determines what their lives will be like. If they choose to remain angry, they are embarking on a lifetime of unhappiness. They may feel as if their anger is punishing the other person or persons who have wronged them. They may feel justified and righteous about the anger. They may choose to act angry, talk angry, and be angry– all in an attempt to set the record straight. After a while, their anger becomes their close friend, their identity. It feels right- familiar if not comfortable. But, in fact, they are harming themselves and the people they love.

Anger makes people look harsh. It make them age prematurely. It takes away the joy from their lives. It hurts the ones they love the most.

So what is one to do? Well, if there is hurt, then something has to happen to make it go away. If the person who did the hurting did it maliciously, then there really isn’t the possibility of talking it over. So what we need to do as healthy adults is to find a way to let go of the anger. Sometimes physical activity works to dissipate the tension. Sometimes talking with a friend who can be a sounding board is helpful. Sometimes sitting and writing about it helps to get the hurt out. But ultimately, to live a good life, it’s important to let the anger go.

People can choose to have a good life. They can choose to transform negative experiences into growing experiences that sensitize them to others’ hurts and enable them to bring kindness and healing to others.

A number of years ago a young woman, Shoshana Greenbaum, was murdered in the Sbarro’s bombing in Jerusalem. Her husband, Shmuel, has turned his pain into a campaign for kindness. Anger, although fully justified, would have achieved nothing. It would have prolonged his pain. His decision to respond with kindness is allowing him to rebuild his life.

If he could make that decision, can’t the rest of us?

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships

The Tour Guide

October 15, 2007 by

In the old days in the old country we used to have two cars. Sometimes when one had to be serviced, I would forget that I couldn’t take the other one and pick it up. I would often have the image of driving two cars home— magically stretching my one very versatile leg all the way through the doorway of one car into the other and somehow twisting it, enabling me to drive with both feet at the same time. The steering part was a challenge and the measurements were problematic. And so, it did always take two of us to bring home the car.

Well, today I am driving two cars home.

This morning, class begins at the Neve Yerushalayim campus of the University of North Texas, and I will be teaching the first session of the basic counseling skills class to a group of women who will be setting off on their journey to become family therapists. They are likely to arrived excited and curious about what type of experience this will be. As their tour leader, I will tell them what to expect, what they need to bring with them, and what it may feel like to be on this journey.

In the afternoon, I will be meeting with the people who will be going on my next trip to China. They are likely to arrived excited and curious about what type of experience this will be. As their tour leader, I will tell them what to expect, what they need to bring with them, and what it may feel like to be on this journey.

I feel happy and exhilarated. It’s going to be a great day!

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Enough to go around

October 11, 2007 by

A long time ago I came across the Warm Fuzzy Tale (highly recommended) and it was the first time that I realized that there really is enough love and kindness and good feelings to go around. In fact, the more that one gives away, the more one has. A couple of years after reading the tale, I became aware of the same thing as a lactating mother: the more milk my baby took from me, the more milk I would produce. In the act of giving, I was actually participating the in process of creating even more.

The other day I was talking to one of my daughters. She said to me that she really doesn’t subscribe to the mystical beliefs that many people in Israel seem to share. In Israel many people, both those who would describe themselves as religious and those who wouldn’t, believe in the power of: blessings from certain rabbis, prayer at the graves of righteous people, water blessed by certain rabbis, saying prayers at a specific location (the Western Wall, Rachel’s tomb), buying new mezuzot and/or tfilin, wearing special amulets or wristbands, etc. She told me, however, that she does think that good things she does, in some way will increase the goodness in her environment.

And I would agree.

When I was in driver’s ed class in high school, they showed us a corny movie about driving courtesy (for the Israelis in the audience — no, that is not an oxymoron). It showed someone driving down the street and seeing someone in another car trying to get into the flow of traffic. The first driver smiled and let the second one in. The second driver,when faced with a similar circumstance also smiled and allowed another driver to maneuver past him. One by one, there was a chain created of people being generous and kind to each other. Back when I was contemplating the meaning of life– something that preoccupied me for a period of time– I came to the conclusion that the real meaning in my life was the increasing of goodness in the world. I wanted through my actions, to set off chains of kindness and caring and generosity. And it seems to be true- that for the most part, the more kindness and caring one can give, the more one will receive.

Of course there are people who are bitter and angry and hurtful and malicious, but if we allow them to change our behavior, then we become a part of a cycle that brings increasing negativity to the world. And after all, there really *is* enough kindness and love and caring and gentleness to go around and the seeds we spread can grow and bloom and produce more seeds and more blossoms for us, and our children and our grandchildren.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings, Spirituality
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