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Beauty

June 21, 2007 by

For some people, it’s beautiful music. For some, it is flowers and soft lighting. For some it is mountain views. For others, it is a walk at water’s edge. For me, it is people talking, people interacting.

“It” is beauty. And for me, the people who are talking are husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. When I hear them talking softly, gently to each other, I think there is nothing more beautiful. When I hear people telephoning their spouse, parent, child and speaking in sweet, loving terms, I feel happy. When I see them whispering to each other, holding each other’s hands, embracing and smiling at each other, I am filled with awe.

When I was young, I used to think that people were programmed to be kind to their close relatives. Unfortunately, that often is not true. In my practice I have seen people treat their family members unkindly. They shout at them, call them names, try to gain the upper hand. They work to control them, to disable them, and they destroy their self-respect.

It is so easy to be kind. It is so easy to show love and caring. But after all of the years of working with people who are unkind to each other, when I see it being done right, I can’t help but think of it as beauty.

Filed Under: Family life, Relationships

SPANKING??????

June 20, 2007 by

Someone got to my blog by searching for therapies that involve therapists spanking their clients. It’s hard to believe that we have come to the point where someone would even ask the question. There are a lot of people out there who call themselves therapists. They have no training except what they “learned from life” or “came to on [their] own.” They use all sorts of tricks to “help” people. Some pray, others offer themselves as sexual surrogates, some communicate with the dead.

For me, it is particularly sad when I realize that the people who frequent these unlicensed, uneducated therapists are people who are the most desperate for help. They will look for answers anywhere and accept all sorts of claims.

If all these charlatans did was to waste people’s time and money, even that would not be so tragic, but what they do is to destroy people’s trust. They can traumatize them to the point that they are unable to be helped in the future. They can do an enormous amount of harm precisely because the clients are naïve and trusting. Once a victim of these people, the clients are not likely to seek help again.

So the answer is NO. There is no recognized therapy where the therapist spanks his/her clients. In fact, there is no recognized therapy in which a therapist has any intimate contact or negative interactions with his/her client. If you are seeking help, go to someone who has legitimate credentials. You are literally putting your life in his/her hands!

Filed Under: Emotional health

Listen to me!!!

June 18, 2007 by

I don’t think you have been listening. Recently I have heard too many very sad stories about families from the family therapists I am supervising. Or maybe I said it in a way that was not clear to you. So please, please, listen to me this time….

If you are a married person trying to create a successful family, this is something you must understand. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in your life is your spouse! THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP in your life is with your spouse. THE SECURITY OF YOUR FAMILY resides in the quality of your relationship with your spouse.

Let’s look at healthy people: They are people who know who they are because they have grown up in a loving, caring, considerate home where their mother and father have demonstrated the ability to value each other, discuss things, compromise, and most of all, RESPECT each other.

Take away the respect, consideration, caring and love between the parents and you get children who do not know boundaries, do not understand how to value others, do not understand what relationships are all about.

There are mothers who believe that they are all their children need. THEY ARE WRONG!!! The relationship between mother and father is the foundation of family life. The foundation cannot rest on pillars erected on only one side. The entire building will collapse. Children build their future relationships on those they have seen in the past, particularly the relationship between their parents which becomes the model for what they will do when they marry. Parents OWE their children the opportunity to experience a warm, loving, caring, and respectful relationship. No amount of spoiling and indulgence on the part of one parent will make up for that lack.

A long time ago I read somewhere that the best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. I couldn’t agree more. I would only add that the best gift a mother can give her children is to love their father.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships

Home from China once again…

June 16, 2007 by

It was upon our return to Beijing at the end of this most recent trip that I realized that Beijing felt a lot like home. Our extremely adorable and highly competent contact in Beijing, Doudou, makes our stay there pleasant and enjoyable. Dodo is now pregnant and as beautiful as she always was, now she is also radiant. I wish I could be there to share in her happiness when she gives birth.

But the good news is that I did get home in time to be here when our youngest daughter gives birth. Their baby is due in just a couple of weeks and I am certain that I am even more excited about this than she is!

Coming home was wonderful! We are overwhelmed with the kindness and devotion of those who really put themselves out for us, especially our daughters and sons-in-law who have helped us in so many ways. Imagine coming home to a house where the mail is neatly stacked, the bed is made, the plants have been watered… Seeing our granddaughters, Abigail and Nomi was such a thrill. What amazing little girls they are. It’s good to be home.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Hello from Lhasa

June 12, 2007 by

A little bit more about our Shai Bar Ilan tour….

Our trip has taken us to Yunnan Province– to the cities of Kunming, MiLe (where we stayed at a most magnificent resort spa, each building of which is surrounded by water), YuanYang (where we saw the rice terraces and visited a village of Hani people), JianShui (where we visited the Zhu Family Residence and the famous Confucian Temple), Dali (where we walked through the beautiful old town), Lijiang (where we visited the famous Mu Residence, the park surrounding the Black Dragon Pool, and Jade Dragon Snow Mountain and Tiger Leaping Gorge), Weixi, Deqin (where we rode on mules up to see the glacier adjacent to Mount MeiLi), Shangri-La (where we took a jeep tour of the nearby village and entered one of the villagers’ homes in the Valley haNafa and on Saturday evening went to the main square to watch the folk dancing). There was so much more that defies description. Imagine a city that has one major road running through it. Imagine that if you leave the city in one direction, you have a 1.5 hour ride along the sides of mountains on a winding two lane road to the nearest place (in this case the approach to Mei-Le Mountain) and if you leave the city in the other direction, it is an 8 hour ride along similar winding roads with hairpin turns on the sides of mountains to the nearest sign of civilization. Imagine the most magnificent scenery that you could possibly see and understand that for the entire 8 hours, we didn’t want to keep our eyes open because of the hairpin turns on the sides of the mountain, but at the same time, didn’t want to miss one second of the scenery. We met, during the trip Chinese people who resided in the cities and in the small towns we stopped at. We learned about the cultures of several Chinese ethnic minorities. We saw their colorful dress, heard their beautiful music, and watched them dance together.

After traveling through beautiful Yunnan Province, we left by plane for Lhasa, Tibet, which is a very interesting and beautiful city. We have visited many sites that are holy to Buddhists and have learned about Buddhist customs and beliefs. We have seen the pilgrims walking through the streets, three steps at a time and then prostrating themselves only to rise and walk three more steps and prostrate themselves again. Some have traveled this way for as long as a year by foot to come to their holy places. We have visited the magnificent Potala Palace set on a hill in the center of the city. The city resides in a flat valley surrounded on all sides with mountains. The scenery here is magnificent. When we arrived, the mountains surrounding the city were snow-capped, but after the two days of warm sunny weather that we were privileged to experience, all of the snow is melted.

We still have two more days before we return home, but there aren’t enough words to describe the experience. We learned, we climbed, we met wonderful people, we sang, we spent pleasant hours together and we have made memories that will last a lifetime.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Hello from Lijiang

June 3, 2007 by

I am in Lijiang China collecting more memories and pictures (of course). It’s a place that has to be seen! We’re having lots of wonderful adventures.

I have temporarily disabled my comments because I am getting hundreds of spam comments every day. Hopefully, I’ll solve that problem when I get back. Meanwhile, if you want to write to me, you can reach me at my gmail address which is the same user name as this blog. I will try to check in every three or four days.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

A little bit of this…

May 25, 2007 by

This isn’t the first blog entry I’ve written this week. It’s not even the second. Where are the others? That’s what I’d like to know. If someone ever invents a butterfly-net-like device that catches words before they are hurled out into cyberspace oblivion, I would like to be first on the list of buyers.

I am sitting on the cusp of two trips. Having just returned from China at the beginning of the month, I will be leaving for China in two days. This time we will be visiting new places and so my digital camera and video camera are both charged up and waiting. Once again, packing will be a challenge because we are taking supplies for the group.

This has been a good week for our family. My older daughter organized a family hike on a trail not too far from here. Except for Daniel who was playing baseball and for Leah who is great with child and for Yaakov who decided to stay home with his wife (Leah), the whole family was there. It was great to see all of the beautiful little (and big) faces. There are, thank G-d, so many of them! The little cousins don’t really see enough of each other, but for the couple of hours we were all walking and talking and having our picnic lunches, we all were able to enjoy each others’ company.

It has not been as good a week for our country. The Arabs in Gaza (I dislike when people try to blame it on one group when all of them agree that we need to be destroyed) continue to shoot rockets at Sderot. Now for people who don’t know, here’s a piece of information: Sderot is within the “green line.” Sderot has been absorbing attacks for years. In the last year there have been damages to property, serious injuries, and deaths as a result of these rockets. Yet no one seems to know or care. We have a city that is under attack. Adults and children are traumatized by the constant threat of death and nobody cares. How long would that go on in the US? If the Mexicans or Canadians were attacking with rockets a US city several times a day causing death and destruction, how long would it take for the US to respond with enough force to stop it? Wouldn’t Americans be out on the streets demanding government action? Wouldn’t most Americans say that whatever it takes to stop this unprovoked attack must be done? So why is it OK for our innocent people to remain under fire? Why is it that the only response we get from the world is to watch out that we not hurt any of their civilians? Excuse me. They TARGET our civilians. They target schools and shops and restaurants and gas stations and HOMES. And people are worried that we might harm innocent people if we try and put a stop to it? If innocent people on their side are harmed as a result of their attacking us, who is responsible? If I want my children to be safe, I do not go out and blithely attack my neighbor.

And one more thing… My hero for the week is Prof. Steven Weinberg of the University of Texas. He is a Nobel Laureate and you can read about him here.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Class

May 18, 2007 by

Class is something you can have whether you are rich or poor. It depends not on who you are, but on how you regard yourself.

Let me give you an example: Many years ago I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference in Phoenix. At this conference, proponents of every major school of psychotherapy spoke and interacted with their colleagues in dialogues and case conferences. It was an amazing experience. In fact, a book, “The Lourdes of Psychotherapy” by Carlos Amantea, was published about it.

At the conference one afternoon, a panel of psychotherapists was considering a case that had been submitted by one of the participants. Each therapist was to analyze the case and suggest treatment using his/her own paradigm. On the panel were, of course, highly distinguished therapists. One of them was Jay Haley, a well-known, well-respected family therapist. After he presented his analysis, another therapist on the panel, Dr. *********, responded to it negatively and finished his response by referring to “Mr. Haley. Am I correct that it is MR. Haley?” Of course all of the others had PhD’s and MD’s, but Haley’s degree was an MA. The room grew silent. Haley looked over toward the other therapist and answered politely, “You are correct, DR. *********”

I don’t know if I imagined it or if there really was applause after his response, but all I could think was “what a gentleman!” Now that was class!

Class is when you don’t lower yourself to the level of another person even when he or she is trying to goad you, force you, or trick you into doing so. It is being who you are and what you stand for no matter what the challenge.

In Israel, there is not a very wide understanding of class. If someone yells at you and you don’t respond in kind, you are thought of as weak, afraid, intimidated. Yet, if you really have class, you know how to rectify most situations without resorting to insults and threats.

This concept, for me, extends to graciousness. One of the things I taught my children was this: if there is something that you have to do—something that a parent or a boss or someone else who has some power over you requires, do it with good grace- with a smile, and with kindness. After all, you have to do the job anyway. Why make it harder for yourself and create strife as a result? Tasks you do with a smile on your face are not nearly as difficult as those you do in anger. Anger creates muscle tension and wrinkles. Who needs it!

It doesn’t really take much except a sense of self and you too can be a class act!

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships

Jung Chang

May 15, 2007 by

Sometimes there are events that happen in one’s life that are unexpected and delightful. Yesterday, I experienced one.

Several months ago, my son Ben lent me a book called “Wild Swans,” an account of a Chinese family that spans the years from the 1920s through the 1970s and their experiences through the Japanese occupation, the Chinese civil war, Mao’s “Great Leap Forward” the famine, and the “Cultural Revolution.” The book was so powerful and fascinating that I read it slowly, absorbing every word, and only a week or two ago, began to reread it. So imagine my delight in finding out that the author, Jung Chang, and her husband, Jon Halliday, who have recently published “Mao: The Unknown Story,” were going to be in Tel Aviv at an all day seminar talking about their new book.

The room in which the seminar was to take place was so overpacked that the entire seminar had to be moved to a much larger auditorium. The vice-president of the university quipped that the current students’ strike at least had one positive aspect: there was a vacant auditorium that could be used.

The participants were not disappointed. To say that the day was fascinating would be an egregious understatement. Jung Chang is a woman with such strength and grace and inner beauty. I loved the candor of her presentation. I loved that she introduced her relationship with Israel in terms of a certificate she received from a reader that indicated that the reader had planted trees here in memory of Jung Chang’s family members and that she, Jung Chang, was touched by the gesture and has the framed certificate hanging in her home.

She spoke openly about her feelings as a child and as a young woman and the process she went through in coming to terms with what was happening in China and why it was happening. It was gripping and poignant.

There is a special feeling that I have when I am in the presence of a person who has that kind of courage and strength and openness. In her case, she has openly challenged the Chinese narrative of the Mao years. In the other case, Natan Sharansky defied the Russians and prevailed. To be in the presence of such strength and courage is to feel a power that is almost superhuman.

I was delighted to exchange some words with Jung Chang and was really happy that a friend was present to take a picture of Aaron and me with her and her husband, Jon Halliday.

Jon Halliday & Jung Chang with Rona & Aaron Michelson

Jon Halliday & Jung Chang with Rona & Aaron Michelson

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

The Perils of Printers

May 10, 2007 by

No, I have not been sitting idle since I returned from China. I actually have been very busy dealing with a variety of things, one of which was getting a new printer and setting it up.

“Easy” you say! Well, you only say that because you have no clue as to how the universe conspires against me when it comes to new technology. You see, we needed to get a new printer because the HP5550 that we had that did a wonderful job decided to blow its power supply.

“Go buy another power supply!” you urge. Once again, you are clueless. HP purposely makes a different volt/amperage power supply for every printer it puts out. No one on the entire Jerusalem mailing list ( JANGLO ) nor on the Modi’in mailing list had an old one hanging around the house. After about 10,000 telephone calls, I located the supplier in Israel who was willing to sell one to me for only $40. Since that was about half the price of the printer which, by the way, was only a printer and didn’t have scanning or fax capabilities, we decided to buy another printer.

“Easy” you say. Once again you show your ignorance. Not easy. Easy if you have computers that run on an operating system that was produced after 1998. Try to find something that will run on Windows 98… and that is the desktop to which the printer was to be physically connected in order for us to use it on our home LAN. So we found a network printer that we could use directly and the two laptops would be able to print and documents and pictures from the desktop could be “shared” and printed from the laptops. Good? If you are nodding yes, you have once again fallen into a trap.

The man who sold us the printer (an HP Photosmart C6183) assured us that as long as we had someone who knew computers, we’d be fine. When I pointed out that that someone would have to be me, he averted his eyes. So we happily took home our new baby and I proceeded to do what I do with new gizmos… I read the instructions and went step by step through them doing exactly what they told me (in Hebrew, of course). I started at about 7 p.m.

Perhaps my next problem happened because I was not sufficiently Israeli. I should have brought some humous upstairs to make the installation disk feel at home. I should have offered to treat it to a felafel. I should have… but alas, I didn’t. And it got its revenge. I was proceeding through the download, answering the questions when suddenly…NO….NO…NONONO… all of the letters turned into question marks. So I kept hitting the “suggested” responses until I came to a screen where I had to make a choice among three items. I had no idea what any of them were since they were all question marks. I tried one. More question marks. I didn’t know how to get back. I pushed here and there and realized I was in question mark hell and there was no way out. I did what any almost sane person would do…. I called an expert.

The sweet son-in-law I called (not to be confused with the sweet son-in-law who is off in Germany giving a paper and certainly not to be confused with the sweet son who was in another part of Germany giving a seminar and of course not to be confused with the two over-worked sweet sons in Israel) suggested that I download the driver from the internet. His calm voice reassured me that I was on my way to escaping from question mark hell.

So I looked up the driver. Of course there is no 6183 driver. So, I downloaded the 6180. Or tried to. The first time I attempted to download it, I was told it would take 84 hours. I decided that moving the laptop to the area where the router was located, shutting off the desktop and praying might aid the download time. Sure enough, it only predicted a download of about 2.5 hours. I left the laptop downloading, went out, returned, and about 3 hours later, was present when it registered an error and stopped loading and suggested I try again. And try I did. Finally about another 3 hours later, the download was complete.

OK, I thought, now it’s JUST a matter of installing it. HAHAHAHAHA, I heard my computer say. The installation started, failed, had to be removed, started again, and finally was completed at about 2 a.m. I triumphantly printed a page!

But I was only half done. Now I had to do the same thing to my husband’s laptop. At a little after 2 I started downloading the driver and went to sleep. At 6, bleary-eyed, I stumbled into his office to find the download window reporting “99% , one second to go” and over it, an error message. We had to download the driver once again (another unknown amount of time in the 2-3 hour range.) Then we tried to install it. After about 15 minutes, we received an error message “cannot scan.” Then the installation halted. The helpful error report said, “No fix is currently available. Uninstall, reboot, and try again.” Which we did.

It wasn’t until the afternoon that the second laptop was able to print.

And my grandmother thought she had problems!

Filed Under: Ramblings
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