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Purim

March 4, 2007 by

Oy. Another Purim has come and almost gone. It seems that every year the family increases in size. Of course, that is because it does. Last year, we gained 3 new members, one by marriage and two by birth. That means a lot of chairs to be set up in the living room where on each of the last 7 years my husband has read the megillah to our gathered tribe. It is a happy happy time. We sit amid a sea of beautiful faces with big smiles and fancy costumes and we read of the Jews’ miraculous deliverance from the evil Haman and his followers.

And there is a sense of vulnerability about the whole experience– not just reading of what could have happened to us in Biblical times, but thinking about the threats that have existed to our physical survival over the last 7 years or so with terrorists blowing up buses, restaurants, shopping centers, clubs, bars, and hotels. And then we look out at the Iranian threat and we understand why we are commnded to remember. The world’s memory is all too short. The Holocaust is still a vivid memory for people who survived it and are alive today, and yet knowledge of the horror that occurred is not enough to influence people in the US and in Europe that madness can take hold and innocent people can be murdered by the millions.

So I sit here and look at all these beautiful little people with bright smiles and sharp minds and hearts filled with love, and I pray that the history books will record their era as one in which the evil are brought low and goodness fills the earth.

Filed Under: Family life, Israel, Ramblings, Spirituality

Life, well done

February 26, 2007 by

Why is it that some people “do” life so badly? It seems to me that people given even the most rudimentry education, a modicum of love, and exposure to societal norms should be able to figure out how to have a good life. I am not talking about making money. Money is what puts the food on the table and clothes on one’s back. It is necessary, but not sufficient for a good life.

So what is a good life? Well, I think it starts with feeling OK. I mean truly OK, not “well, no matter what I do to others, if I am happy, it’s OK.” I mean having the sense that you are spending your time and energy on things that are good and worthwhile and enjoyable and helpful. I mean having the sense that life is an opportunity for happiness and kindness and connection with others. A person who wakes up in the morning with a natural curiosity, a measure of optimism, and plans for the future is doing life well. A person who is able to listen to others, learn from them, use his/her experiences to grow, and who is able to change– is doing life well. A person who can give without worrying about when they will receive, is doing life well.

I am constantly amazed at how many people either can’t get it right or for some reason mess it up. They get themselves into impossible situations. They overspend, drink too much, find romantic attractions outside of their marriage. They become addicted to drugs and gambling. They end up lying to their spouses and families, having no energy for family life. They cheat, they swindle, they shoplift, they shortchange. As much as they hurt others, they hurt themselves. Others will go on to have better days. Others can avoid them, but they must live with themselves.

The first step in rebuilding a life is to take responsibility for where one is at the moment. People who blame parents, spouses, society, and fate are doomed to remain where they are. Those who take responsibility for their situation then are empowered to change it. And change is possible. Debts can be repaid. Relationships can heal. Sometimes it takes some outside help, and skilled, qualified therapists can be a godsend. People can choose to change and to do life well.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

Panta Rei

February 22, 2007 by

In college, I was a philosophy major. I remember well reading Heraclitus who said, “panta rei,” everything changes. How clever he was even before this era of galloping technology! He certainly could have been speaking of modes of communication.

The year before my husband and I married, we were living far away from each other, he at Fort Knox, Kentucky, and I in Philadelphia. We kept in touch by mail. We wrote letters to each other, folded them into envelopes, addressed the envelopes and put a stamp on them, and then dropped them into the mailbox. A letter would take between 3 and 5 days to arrive and so minimum response time was about a week. But telephone calls were expensive, so it was our only way of communicating on an ongoing basis.

Once we married, my parents kept in touch with us by telephone. At first the calls were only a couple of times a week and for a couple of minutes each, but as prices fell, the conversations became longer and more frequent.

By the time our oldest son reached college, I was able to email him through my account at university in Philadelphia to his in Jerusalem on a big mainframe computer. As I pushed the button to send his letter into cyberspace, the white letters on the black screen traced the path of the letter from our internal system to somewhere in New York to Paris, to Tel Aviv, and then on to the Hebrew University. The mail wouldn’t always take the same route. Sometimes it would get somewhere in Europe and remain there for seconds or even minutes. Chatting involved a “tell” command that would require the address of the other person and then a quoted message that could run until the end of one line of text. Each line started with “tell” and the address, and even with a macro key, communicating was difficult. Messages would take seconds to minutes to be transmitted.

By the time I moved to Israel in 1995, it was possible to download email and read it off line. After all, at that time there was only dial-up and we were paying by the minute for the telephone line. Rates were lower after 11 p.m. and before 8 a.m., and that was when I usually sent my emails to my husband who still resided in the States. However, with the possibility of offline reading and composing, I was able to send him brief letters several times a day. Meanwhile, as my friends one by one discovered email and we found each other, they began writing letters– long, interesting letters about their life. I think that was the golden age of email. It lasted just a short time until….

People began to send jokes to each other. One could receive the same joke several times in a day. Children’s letters to G-d came around several times a year and still are recycled to this day. It was good to know that my friends were still alive, but the jokes were like a wave across a crowded room.

With the introduction of ICQ and then AIM and other programs, chatting became easier and more satisfying. Once again, there was a method of real communication. There was even the possibility of repartee, but it requires the confluence of free time on both sides.

And then the picture era arrived. Suddenly people began communicating by 1. sending pictures, 2. sending URLs for collections of pictures, and 3. sending PowerPoint presentations. The pictures of family and friends are really special. Many of the PowerPoint presentations are amazing– especially the ones with pictures of nature. But they lack that personal greeting that lets me know what the other person is thinking and feeling.

And now, we are into the YouTube age. Instead of sending pictures, we are sending each other movies– of favorite songs, of comedy routines, of miraculous natural phenomena. But where are the people behind these messages? Sometimes it seems to me that the easier it is to communicate, the less we do it. Friends sharing their lives together over miles and seas? Panta rei.

Filed Under: Ramblings, Relationships

China on my mind

February 14, 2007 by

Years ago I lived in Georgia– Fort Benning, to be exact– Sigerfoos Road, to be more exact. It was a very beautiful place with tall, lush trees and green green grass. The summers were hot and moist. Thunderstorms were frequent and heavy with the roads populated by puddles the size of swimming pools. One Friday night on the way home from the chapel, I got so wet, I was afraid I would be arrested for indecent exposure.

But all that rain made Georgia beautiful, green, full of flowers and trees. But despite that, it didn’t really “keep Georgia on my mind.” When we moved away, it became a very lovely memory.

What was on my mind then, on my mind from the time I was about 12, was Israel and my longing to live here. At 12, it was only a vague dream. It was like wanting to go to the moon long before there were moon landings. The possibility was remote, unattainable.

When I married and my husband’s plans were to retire in Israel, it still seemed remote. When you are 20, twenty years in the future might as well be eternity. But Israel “was always on my mind.”

Wel, the dream came true and I have been living here for the last 11 years and every day I am grateful to be here. We may not get the rain we got in Georgia, but the land is green and fruitful and blossoming. What’s more, here, even rain is a blessing. I am where I need to be. I am content.

However, there is another place that has a special place in my heart. We have traveled a bit in the last few years and enjoyed every trip, but for me, China is the most magnificent place to visit. It probably has to do with the beauty of the countryside, the temples and gardens, the karst mountains and rock formations, the picuresque rice fields, the little villages on the water, and the haunting music and dance. I think that what captivates me the most is the Chinese people. They are friendly, happy people. They are warm and helpful, whether they are service personnel or whether they are people on the street. They smile and seem to enjoy life. They are beautiful. I suppose, in a way, I have fallen in love.

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Shai Bar Ilan Trip to China

February 6, 2007 by

 

                                                                             

 

                                                                                      Here is the most up to date itinerary of our next tour to China, leaving Israel on May 7, 2012.

http://drsavta.com/travelkosher/classicalchina/

We will be doing a similar tour in October.  Contact me if you are interested

drsavta@gmail.com 

 

Filed Under: China, Uncategorized

Almond Trees

January 31, 2007 by

One of the things I love about Israel is that we have such a short period of time when there isn’t beautiful vegetation everywhere. The leaves barely finish falling from the trees when buds appear heralding the arrival of a whole new crop. In our garden, the plum tree and pomegranate tree have just completed shedding their leaves and already the pomegranate tree has its buds at the ready.

In Israel, however, the tree that is the true harbinger of spring is the almond tree. Each year, it is the first to blossom. During the time that it is bare, the almond tree is barely noticeable. As I would drive through the Jerusalem Forest, home from teaching, I would see only bare empty branches of unidentifiable trees. But today, on my way home, there they were– the delicate white almond blossoms attesting to the fact that spring will come once again. In bloom, the trees are beautiful. They are graceful and elegant.

And they made me think about marriages. Why? Because I am a marriage and family therapist– everything makes me think about marriages!! But I thought about the fact that marriages too have seasons. There are times when the branches are bare. The marriage exists, it remains, but it is not giving off anything special. The husband and wife continue to function, to raise their family, to meet their obligations, but life is just there, to pass through the days and weeks. Couples who are experiencing a winter in their relationship sometimes come into therapy defeated. The love and passion seem to be gone. The feeling of being part of something special has faded. As a therapist, I try to give them hope. Sometimes I have to help them to move toward their spring. But given the will and the desire, their spring does arrive. Suddenly their love buds once more and blooms in a deeper richer way than ever before. They learn how to make that spring appear. They learn that even though circumstances may someday impose another winter, that following it, they can make spring appear once again.

But how do they bring on the spring? Both husband and wife have to take 100% of the responsibility. They cannot wait for the other to do his/her part. Each needs to make the relationship their top priority. They have to try to recapture inside themselves the warm feelings they had for their spouse. They have to do kind things for the spouse, express their love and appreciation, reminisce about happy times, share hopes, plans, and desires. Each must be ready to listen to the other with an open heart. They must hear each other out and then respond honestly without trying to defeat or hurt the other. They must try to problem solve– understanding that sometimes there is a compromise and sometimes they will be able to have things their way and sometimes they will cede their own wishes as a gift of love.

Every couple has winters in their relationships. As they grow in their love and commitment to each other, their winters can become shorter and the springs can become the dominant seasons of their lives.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Israel, Relationships

The Challenge of Marriage

January 23, 2007 by

When people get married, they normally assume that all will go well. After all, they love each other. If they are mature enough to have thought ahead, they know how they plan to support themselves, where they want to live, and if and when they plan to have children. During their courtship, they focused on each other– wanting to spend all their time together. They waited until finally the day would come when there was no need to be apart.

In most normal marriages, the next few weeks or months bring the issues of family loyalty versus loyalty to spouse and differing expectations to the fore. At that point each is surprised that the other didn’t naturally understand what to them was second nature– from serving platters needing their own utensils to which way the toilet paper roll was installed. Minor differences in experience can make home feel less comfortable as the young couple adapts to each other– taking “a little bit of this and a little bit of that” from each one’s background. But, with loving intentions, eventually, they create together a new reality, a home that is uniquely theirs.

But marriage offers another large set of issues. In infancy, one is tightly connected to one’s parents and counts on them for food and for love. As the child grows, he/she becomes more and more separate. By the teen years, the child wants nothing more desperately than to see him/herself as separate from his/her parents. He/she may take on opinions and preferences that are specifically different from his/her parents to make the point that he/she is different. He/she enjoys being independent and making his/her own decisions. During those years, he/she imagines that marriage will consist of him/her and a spouse who will agree with all of his/her decisions. The idea that he/she may have to take into account someone else’s point of view, preferences, and needs only peripherally enters his/her consciousness.

But marriage consists of two people who are engaged in an ongoing endeavor to reconcile two legitimate but opposite processes. One is development of each of the individuals in the couple as a fully functioning adult with independent thoughts, actions, and feelings. The other is the development of a strong bond that defines each as a member of a couple or a team that has its own character. In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife feel their bond and their shared image as well as their individual images. Each of them is both enriched by and bound by their ties. The freedom each has in his/her personal life is often a direct result of the support of the spouse (e.g., the financial ability to pursue an education or the encouragement to create). A strong bond means emotional support, encouragement, and a feeling of safety.

Yet the tension between the “I-ness” and the “we-ness” persists throughout marriage and it is one of the contradictions that both spouses need to be aware of and understand. Often, the “I-ness” has to take second place to the “we-ness,” but through the supporting bond of the couple, both members become stronger- and together— they become unbeatable!

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

Separation

January 19, 2007 by

Something’s been bothering me for a while. I think at the begining it was bothering me because of its effect on me. But now, I am beginning to understand that its effect is felt throughout the Orthodox Jewish community. I am talking about the practice of separation of men and women at social, cultural and educational events.

It has happened more than once that my husband and I have gone to a wedding where one or both of us was acquainted with the bride or groom or his or her parents, but knew virtually no one at the wedding other than them. We showed up only to find that we were seated at two different tables, sometimes only yards away from each other, but often separated by a tall partition. For any type of communication, we would be at a loss. Even now when we both have cell phones, the excessive noise of wedding bands would make hearing a person on the other end of the conversation impossible. Moreover, sitting at a table of strangers was not a delight. I am, by nature, a shy person and so the wedding then became an ordeal of watching other women interacting with each other and hoping it would be over soon. I respected the family’s desire to conform to the norms of their community and did not fault them for my less than festive experience, but it bothered me.

Then I was invited to a lecture on a religious subject. Of course I assumed that men and women would be interested and were invited, so my husband came along and indeed, other men were present. However, shortly after sitting down, we were advised that he would have to move over to the men’s side. With a look of longing, he left me. What did they think we were going to be doing during the lecture?

And now there are the performances and classes for only men or only women… What is all this about? What are we doing to our society? Children today in religious schools in Israel are gender separated from kindergarten and first grade. More liberal schools allow them to study together until grade 3 or 4. What are we teaching about the relationships between men and women? How are boys and girls supposed to understand one another? Is suppression of their natural curiosity going to help them to grow up healthier?

I fear for the next generation. The other gender is unknown to them. They will marry and procreate, but all social, cultural, and educational activities will be enjoyed with their same gender buddies.

In my experience as a family therapist, I have found that it is precisely shared experiences in the social, cultural, and educational realm that cement the relationship between husband and wife and are the glue of family life. They provide the warm memories, the shared meanings, the pleasant conversations that “old married” people have. Bereft of shared experiences, family life becomes rote and filled with chores and tasks and spouses relating to each other in the mother and father roles, but unable to find the soft padding that such shared experiences provide to make a home loving and warm.

What ever happened to, “therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh”? Clearly the message was meant for us. Adam (of “Adam and Eve” fame) didn’t have a mother and father, so that’s not who was being addressed. Notice that father and mother appear in the same verse. I see no separation there. Notice the “one flesh” reference. Notice how the current “sages” have decided to demarcate that flesh and separate it into its masculine and feminine parts.

My (almost) silent protest is to avoid any lectures, classes, and performances during which I cannot sit next to my husband. My only exception is for those which are clearly dealing with women’s issues only or those which are part of an institution that is a women’s only institution.

Men and women, husbands and wives, should be able to experience life together and not from behind partitions. This is one way of strengthening the ties between them and ensuring the security and happiness of their family.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships, Spirituality

Pictures

January 15, 2007 by

The pictures from Tzvi’s Bar Mitzvah are up on the web. You can see them here

The mostly-asleep children had just returned from Los Angeles the night before and gave new meaning to the expression “jetlag.”

Once again, mazal tov to the entire family!

Filed Under: Family life

Settling down

January 14, 2007 by

We jut got back from the car’s biannual checkup which was due in November, but we have been on a merry-go-round for a couple of months now and this was the soonest we could get there.

Once we came back from China, Thanksgiving came charging along. And then began a series of weekends away from home to Mitzpeh Ramon, to Eilat, to Kfar Etzion. And visits and a bar mitzvah and a wedding in Tiberias and a gathering we had at our home for all of our friends from the recent China trip and a program we gave, also in our home, on our trip to Russia, and a talk I gave to two different women’s groups about creating memories for our grandchildren.

Last week, of course, was Tzvi’s Bar Mitzvah, and if he wasn’t amazing enough then, he shone bright the night of his party when he gave a wonderful talk based on the week’s Torah portion and when he played several extremely impressive pieces on the harmonica. His sisters performed too, singing and playing instruments. They were all delightful! His cousin Hadas made him a really terrific PowerPoint presentation with pictures of him from when he was a baby to the present time.

And yesterday, on shabbat, we had the pleasure of the company of two of our younger granddaughters, Tamar (5) and Ayala (3). they stayed with us while their parents were away for shabbat at a family event from the other side of the family. I had forgotten just how precious it is to have two little girls to talk to and play with. Tamar, the dark-haired, dark eyed exotic beauty and Ayala, the blonde haired, blue eyed, angelic beauty. What was even sweeter was the Hadas, their big cousin, decided to spend shabbat with us too and to help out with the little girls. All of the girls were just perfect. As were our company, our very good friends, a couple who we enjoy traveling with, and a young man, a new oleh from South Africa who came accompanied by two of his friends. We were an unlikely combination of people, but an altogether amazing experience ensued. We laughted and joked and enjoyed the lunch, including Ayala, who quietly walked over to the recliner and settled in for a nap.

And now, perhaps, after I administer and grade the final exams for my students, maybe life will settle down just a little…

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings
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