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No Regrets

May 30, 2005 by

Like a lot of people I know, I had a less than perfect mother. As a child, my life with her was tumultuous. I could never predict what she would be like in the next moment. I am certain it wasn’t easy being her, but as a little child, all I could think was that it wasn’t easy being me.

As I grew, there were times when I felt angry with her, but there were more times when I felt wounded, hurt, devalued, and misunderstood. Her verbal and physical assaults left me weak and vulnerable.

Sure, there were good times. My mother was an expert at good times. She knew how to take us to fancy restaurants and buy us beautiful clothes and send us to overnight camp. But without warning, her mood could change and the emotional assaults would begin once again.

I couldn’t wait to grow up and leave home.

But of course, there is always love and affection that are intermixed with the pain, and so even after I left home, a warm call from my mother felt loving and reassuring and I looked forward to the times we spoke or saw each other and everything went right.

I remember one such time with special fondness: We had been married about 7 months and I was about 5 months pregnant. We were living in Valley Station, Kentucky, about halfway between Fort Knox where my husband worked and Louisville, where I was finishing college. My husband was going to fly out to Spokane, Washington, for a job interview. When my mother heard about it, she was convinced that I should not be alone, and so she arranged to fly to Louisville to spend the weekend with me.

My husband and I drove to the airport and just as I kissed him goodbye, my mother’s plane from Philadelphia landed. I took her back to my home and from then on we spent three wonderful days together—shopping for maternity clothes, eating ice cream, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Sunday, I took her to the airport and after kissing her goodbye, my husband’s plane landed.

I remember that short period vividly because it was so very special. Most of my adult life, however, my relationship with her was problematic. I hadn’t made the choices in my life that she would have made for me. I hadn’t married a doctor and stayed in Philadelphia and had one son and one daughter and lunch with mom once a week. Instead I had become independent.

But now here was my dilemma: My mother had a lot of ideas about what constituted loyalty and love. She had lots of demands. She could become unpleasant on the phone. But, at the same time, she was my mother and underneath it all, I felt love for her and an obligation to respect her. How could I choose my behaviors toward her?

I formulated my “no regrets” rule. I decided that I would treat her the way one treats a mother who has given birth to one and who loves one despite her inability to adequately show it. I would do it not for her, but for me. In the end, I knew that I would have to be accountable to myself for my behavior. I would have to be able to live with myself in the long run. I would have to be able to look back at my actions and feel proud that I had maintained the relationship, shown respect, and not allowed her shortcomings to limit my ability to be the kind of daughter I knew I should be.

Did I meet all of her demands? Certainly not. That would have been impossible. However, she was always a welcome guest in my house, even when she wasn’t acting her best. I never insulted her, interrupted her, or argued with her. I listened and acknowledged what she said, and then I made my own decisions.

In the last year of her life, when she was weak and sick, she told me that she approved of my life choices. I think the best of them was to act so that I would have no regrets.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

Intentional Parenting

May 28, 2005 by

Recently I was involved in a discussion about teens who were doing destructive things. These teens were not taking drugs or getting drunk, but they were involved in destroying things—smashing windshields, setting fire to trees, and defacing public property.

Someone said, “But what is a parent to do? Parents can’t follow teens wherever they go.” That is, of course, true. The problem is that once the children have reached their teens, the measures that need to be taken are pretty drastic because the parents have not been successful in their early training of these children.

I think of childrearing as a process through which parents teach their children how to live their lives. It involves instruction in a large number of areas. It starts in the crib and if the parents stays “on message,” by five or six years old, the child will have gained a structure that will help him function for his whole life.

The internal structure of the child, akin to the framework of a building, includes basic trust, honesty, respect, caring, giving, curiosity, cooperation, feelings about others, feelings about his or her own body, etc.

From the earliest days of a child’s life we cuddle them to give them a sense of security, we feed them to let them know that their needs can be met, and we protect them from danger by making sure that their environment is safe.

Later, we teach them that we need to share, that other people have needs, that hitting others hurts them and that instead of hitting, we can “make nice.” We teach them that they need to stay safe and to listen to their parents. In short, we indoctrinate them. By age five or six, if we have done our job, the child will look disapprovingly when someone throws a piece of trash on the ground. They will understand that it is not desirable for someone to shout in a quiet place. They will have a sense of what it means to live in a civilized society where people respect each other.

If we teach them when they are still young, they will carry those attitudes with them for their entire life. It doesn’t mean that they will never throw trash on the ground and never shout in a quiet place, but it does mean that they will know that it is not the right thing to do. They will have heard maybe a thousand times that this is a world that we need to share with others and that we cannot just be thinking of ourselves.

To teach these lessons, parents need to be consistent. Children need to see their parents’ actions as reflections of their instruction. Parents cannot expect their child to be respectful if they are not respectful. They cannot expect their children to be kind and caring if they are not kind and caring. They cannot expect their children to be honest if they are not honest.

Sometimes I speak to people about what I call intentional parenting. What it means is simply to sit down and think of what attributes parents want their children to have and then to focus their behavior and instruction in that direction. If parents have a picture of what their child should be as a teenager—not what sports he or she should excel in or not which subjects he or she could be a genius in but what qualities he or she should have—then their efforts are more likely to be effective.

Being a parent isn’t easy, but if you survive until they are out on their own, you can expect to enjoy the results…. And if you are really lucky, you might have a chance to see your children meet the very same challenges.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting

Lighting candles with Grandmom

May 25, 2005 by

Recently I have been thinking about the impact that one generation makes on another. Someone once quipped that grandparents and grandchildren get along well because they have a common enemy. In my case, my grandparents had a large influence because of their unqualified love for me. I wrote this several years ago as a tribute to my maternal grandmother, Rose Tizer. It takes place in 1949.

My name is Rona. I am 4 years old. I live in Philadelphia. I have green eyes and rosy cheeks and dark brown hair. When my mother washed it this morning, she twisted it, piece by piece, and told me to hold it so that when it dried, I had curls like Shirley Temple. I feel pretty and I feel special because tonight, when my parents are home, I will stay here with my grandmom and grandpop and I know they will spoil me.

I think about what it will be like to stay here tonight. When it’s time to go to sleep, I will walk up the stairs that are at the back of the living room. When I get to the top of the steps, I will turn left and walk through Uncle Albert’s room to the spare room where I sleep. In the room there is a big bed with a bedspread on it. I love the bedspread. It has raised parts that are fluffy when I touch them and they make a design. I think about letting my fingers glide along the fluffy parts and following them all over the bedspread. I can do it even in the dark. But it doesn’t really get dark because in order to get to the bathroom, my grandparents and Uncle Albert have to walk through the spare room and so as not to wake me, they leave the light on in the bathroom. Being here is exciting and the light being on makes me want to stay up.

There is another reason that it is not easy to sleep here. Behind the row of stores in which my grandparents live, there is a brewery. The whole neighborhood smells of beer all the time. When we drive down Second Street I always get excited just smelling the beer and knowing that soon we will be at Grandmom and Grandpop’s. Because the train transports the cases of bottles of beer, there are railroad tracks right outside the window and all night long when the train sits on the tracks, the warning bells ring.

It is a cold winter day. It is a Friday and my grandmother is getting ready for shabbos. I can smell the chicken and I know that there will be soup. She puts very thin noodles in the soup and she calls them “luckshen” but I know they are just noodles. I like fishing around in the soup for the noodles and, to tell the truth, they are the only reason I eat the soup at all. Well, really, there is one other reason. I don’t know why, but whenever I finish everything on my plate or in my bowl, my grandmother gets very very happy. It’s like by just eating, I do something that she’s very proud of.

Now I see her sitting at the table in the kitchen. The table is still not set and it is getting to be late afternoon. She is sitting with a big stack of money in her hands and she is laying it out in piles, counting strangely. I try to count like her sometimes: one-tzik, two-tzik, three-tzik, but everyone starts laughing and I realize I don’t have it right yet, so I listen harder the next time, but she just counts too fast.

Soon the men who work in grandpop’s store come in. One by one, she gives them the piles of money, counting them again as she hands them to the workers. Then she puts the tablecloth on the table and sets it for dinner. Now comes the magical time.

Grandmom goes over to the stove. On the flat part next to the burners she sets up two big candlesticks and two little ones. She puts a scarf over her head and says, “Come, Rona; it’s time to bench licht.” I go to her and she covers her eyes and says something that I cannot hear, but I know it is a prayer. I too cover my eyes and all I can think of is how special it is to be Grandmom’s girl and to light these candles with her. It’s something I can always count on. The kitchen feels warm, and full of candlelight and Grandmom’s love, and the cold, darkening sky is not so cold or dark anymore.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Spirituality

Coping Skills

May 18, 2005 by

Everyone knows that people are born with their individual packages of abilities. Some people are excellent at doing mathematical calculations, adding multiple digits in their head before they enter kindergarten. Some people have musical talents that seem incredible. Recently I saw a piece on television about a young man whose first drawings were of staves of music and who was writing symphonies when his age was still in the single digits. Similarly, there are people whose bodies are so flexible that at young ages they already are doing amazing gymnastic feats. Indeed, we are not all created equal.

Of course environment is an important intervening factor. A home environment that allows a person to grow and develop in his or her field is very important, and indeed, most of the geniuses we hear about might never have achieved such stature without the support they got from their parents.

There are other talents that are less visible and less recognized. One of them is resilience. Some children seem to be born emotionally stronger than others. They seem to land on their feet no matter how much they are buffeted. These children possess a strength that most people don’t recognize: coping skills.

Coping skills are what allow a person to act in their own best interest in the worst of circumstances. They are what enable people to endure difficult situations without screaming or panicking. They provide for people a mechanism for dealing with difficult situations. Instead of taking the advice, “When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout” (The Notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert A. Heinlein) these people find a constructive response.

Once I had a young girl as a client. Her parents were going through a long and acrimonious divorce. It included public scenes, accusations, threats, and a lot of yelling. She was brought to me so that I could provide support. During the first session I asked her what she did when her parents were having a fight. She said that most of the time she would go to her room, close the door, and listen to music or call a friend. Sometimes she would take a shower. Sometimes she would go out and take a walk.. She proceeded to give me about ten more ways that she coped with her parents’ fighting. I was astounded. Here was a young girl who had the ability to make the world safe for herself by finding something to do to distract herself from the helpless and sad feelings that she could have been experiencing.

It was knowing her that helped me to understand that coping was indeed a skill that some people naturally possessed and others did not.

Some people, in stressful situations try to go head to head with the person or people who are causing them trouble. Often, that is counterproductive. When others are acting irrationally, then the best response is to stay rational. Often I tell my clients that in a stressful situation, “somebody has to be the grown-up.” Someone needs to keep thinking creatively and decide what the best course of action is. Sometimes it is to walk away. Sometimes it is to remain unruffled. Sometimes it is to comfort the person who is being unpleasant. Sometimes there is nothing to remedy the situation, but the person who copes with it effectively knows that at least he or she remained rational.

Parents can help their children by beginning to teach them coping skills early in life. Explaining to a hysterical three year old, “You don’t have to cry; you can tell me with words,” is the beginning of helping a child to understand that he or she doesn’t have to fall apart when things are not optimal. “Think of how handsome you will look when the barber is finished cutting your hair,” is a way of saying that one can cope with a process for the sake of the result. This will come in handy someday when the child will have tasks that do not give immediate rewards. “You are looking tense; why don’t you go outside and get some exercise” teaches the child that sometimes exercise can relieve stress. Parents should make note of how they themselves cope and teach those tricks to their children.

We are not all born as well equipped as my little client, but coping skills can be taught and practiced. The more techniques we learn, the better we are able to deal with our day to day lives.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Parenting, Relationships

Independence Day

May 12, 2005 by

Living in Israel is an intense experience, and living in Israel this past week has been an extremely intense experience. We all have been dealing with Remembrance Day for Israel’s soldiers and terror victims this past Tuesday night and Wednesday and with Independence Day that followed it on Wednesday night and Thursday.

I suppose Israel can be compared to one of my children. This was a child who was never indifferent about anything. His anger was anger and his joy was joy and no one could cry more bitterly nor laugh more heartily. I used to say about him that his nerve endings seemed to be closer to his skin surface than others. I called him my passionate child.

And Israel is very much like him; it is a place where emotions are high and contrasting emotions occur simultaneously.

So this week, people were buying memorial candles to light either in memory of their family members who had been killed in military service or terror attacks or in memory of all of our lost soldiers and innocent victims of terror At the same time, people were placing Israeli flags on their homes and their vehicles until the country was plastered with blue and while

All over the newspapers, airwaves, and posters appeared information about the memorial services that took place in cemeteries throughout the country. There was also information about all of the Independence Day concerts, ceremonies, street performances, military fly-bys, and fireworks displays that occurred in cities all over Israel.

Each year, Remembrance Day begins with a siren sounded at eight in the evening for one minute during which everyone and everything falls silent. No vehicles move on the road. No one speaks. After the siren there is a ceremony at the Western Wall that is televised throughout the country. By eight o’clock, all of the stores and restaurants and places of entertainment have closed.

There are memorial events throughout the country. The one we attended was a large gathering at the Jerusalem Convention Center at which family members and friends spoke about their lost loved ones interspersed with appropriate music. Most heartbreaking was listening to David Hatuel whose pregnant wife and four daughters were murdered by Arab terrorists last year. He spoke about them and about missing them, of course, but he also spoke of retaining his faith in G-d.

On Remembrance Day itself, stores are open. Children go to school and commemorate the day with ceremonies there, but the atmosphere is restrained. People seem to talk more quietly and have more patience with one another. Throughout the day, all that is shown on television are stories of those we have lost. One after another child appears in the screen as a baby in mother’s arms, a toddler, a schoolchild, a Bar Mitzvah boy, a few pictures of the teen years and then the terrible news that the family received. Sometimes there are stories of how the person died, his last words, his last video, the one that he was taking at the time of his death. Sometimes there are pictures of the scene—and always, the viewer is left with the feeling of loss and emptiness. One after another the precious lives that were lost become part of our consciousness. This year, musicians found poems written by some of the deceased soldiers and set them to music. Then Israeli artists performed these songs as a tribute to those who wrote the words.

Remembrance Day ends at Mount Herzl, in the area around Herzl’s tomb. There Independence Day is declared and the festivities begin. Just as restrained and solemn as Remembrance Day is, that is how exuberant and enthusiastic Independence Day is.

One of the most beautiful parts of the opening ceremonies is the lighting of the twelve torches, one for each tribe of Israel. People are chosen on the basis of their contribution to the society to light each torch. Each one has a story that inspires. One can’t help but be impressed with the people we live amongst, their myriad origins, cultures, religions, races, languages—that all have been woven into this wonderful crazy tapestry that is Israel.

We spent the later part of the evening in the woods not far from our home with about 50 other people, sitting around a campfire and singing songs to the accompaniment of an accordion and listening to their stories of growing up in Israel or arriving as immigrants in the early days of the state. The air was electric as we heard from afar other people singing too and listened to the booms of the fireworks from several nearby communities.

This morning we ate breakfast on our front patio, sitting in our garden, the sun warming us and our flag waving, and we toasted the next year, praying that that our leaders will make wise decisions and that the country will remain strong.

And then, this afternoon, like just about every other Israeli family, we all got together for a traditional cookout! Our son and daughter-in-law host his family and hers each year and this year the weather was pleasant and the children were cooperative and it was hard to believe that there were over 30 children in the house.

On our way home we heard on the news that all of the parks in the center of the country were completely filled- so much so that people were barbequing on the roadsides. Similarly, all of the beaches between Ashkelon and Herzliya were completely filled. There were traffic jams throughout the country and people were asked to have patience…

The downs and the ups, the sadness and the joy, the loss and the completeness, it’s enough to make one confused and upset. However, I think that this emotional shifting of gears is just one more example of the strength that has helped us as a people survive.

The theme this year for Holocaust Remembrance Day, just a week ago, was the difficulty of liberation. How does one go on after the pain? Yet people did it and formed new families and achieved and prospered. So each year, Israel gets to exercise its emotional muscles and we learn once again that after sadness there can be joy.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Israel, Spirituality

Transitions- Part I

April 11, 2005 by

What does that word mean to you? Well, if you ever gave birth to a baby, you might remember those last few minutes before they told you that you could push. You remember it… It was that time that you realized that death isn’t such a bad alternative to pain. It was the time that is euphemistically called transition.

If you never have experienced it, have no fear. I can really describe it to you. Think of the worst pain you ever felt in your life and multiply it by 10.

It didn’t get its name by chance. Transitions are difficult. When people experience a major transition, they often feel disoriented, fearful, worried and out of control,.

As much as we don’t like to admit it, human beings really do enjoy routine. We enjoy stability. We like knowing where things are. We like knowing what to expect. Research has shown that people will even remain loyal to their brands of foods, cleaning supplies, and toiletries.

Listen to someone who has moved far from “home” and you will hear him or her talking about where to find the bagels that taste like “Bubba’s” or where to get all-beef hotdogs. Foods and other products that remind us of home make our transitions easier.

One of the most common changes that families go through is a move from one house to another. Within the same city, it can be upsetting and difficult. The greater the distance, the more difficult and if one moves from one culture to another, it is all the more so.

Typically, during transitions nerves are frayed, children act up, and marriages are strained. The good news is that there are ways to deal with transition that are helpful.

During the years that my husband was in the Army, he and I and our children went through many transitions as we moved from place to place, changing homes, schools, friends, and lifestyles. Each change challenged us in a new way. We developed some coping mechanisms. Here are a few:

1. Developing a “we’re all in this together” attitude: As much as it may seem that the burden is not being shared equally, everyone in the family is going through a difficult time. The transition is something that everyone will weather better if the family works together.

2. Giving up the illusion of control: It was very clear that there were a large number of things over which we had no control. We were on a galloping horse. Instead of fighting to stay in control, we just had faith that it would go where it needed to and we held on for dear life.

3. Gathering information: We found out as much as we possibly could about each place we were moving. We read about the new post or city and we spoke with people who had lived there or visited there. We particularly focused in information about schools for the children. We shared the information with the children, showing them pictures when there were pictures available. In the days of the internet, all of this has become so much easier.

4. Accentuating the positive: We also explored what attractions there were in the area- lakes, beaches, historical landmarks, and recreational activities. It helped the children form images of a happy future in the new place.

5. Seeing it as an adventure: We tried to cultivate in the children an excitement about the adventure we were embarking upon. There were times when we would leave the old home for the new one and as we piled into the car, we would sing “On the road again.”

Transitions can be very difficult, but the changes they involve challenge us to grow and learn.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting

Pre-Pesach Cleaning Disorder (PPCD)

April 10, 2005 by

Alert:
New diagnostic category added to DSM-IV-R
PPCD: Pre-Pesach Cleaning Disorder

This is a recently discovered disorder, recognized as a seasonal disorder, usually coming in early spring. It is characterized by obsessive thinking about cleanliness, far out of normal proportions. It is distinguished from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 300.3 by several symptoms.

1. Obsessive focusing on small particles of food throughout the house to the extent of climbing onto bookshelves and behind toilets to ferret out particles smaller than the eye can see.

2. Compulsive washing of objects that are ostensibly clean (e.g., one patient was found putting her children’s Legos into a sock bag and washing them. This was discovered by a disturbed neighbor who couldn’t figure out what could possibly be banging so loudly and incessantly in the dryer. The patient, when confronted said, “Well, what did you expect– for me to put them in the toy box wet!”)

3. Incessant moving of common objects from their normal places (e.g., dishes, silverware, etc. are wrapped up and/or banished from their normal shelves and drawers.)

4. Talking with friends and acquaintances about topics formerly of no interest (e.g., effectiveness of different oven cleaners, location of most pungent horseradish.)

This disorder seems to occur in a social context. Frequently groups of women become pre-occupied with cleaning simultaneously.

Presumptive symptoms:
1. Spring time frame.
2. Patient is a woman.
3. Patient reports insomnia.
4. Patient has red hands.
5. Patient has a heavy odor of cleaning substances.
6. Patient does not have time to talk about it.

Treatment:
This disorder has a guarded prognosis. Although patients uniformly recover within several weeks, they tend to relapse around the same time each year.

There are reports of cessation of symptoms if they are taken away for a week to a hotel each year.

Filed Under: Emotional health Tagged With: , ,

Self-esteem

April 6, 2005 by

Self-esteem

One of the concepts that concerns practically all parents who consult with me is self-esteem. If only little David had more self-esteem, he wouldn’t
(a) beat up all of the other children in his class
(b) do so poorly in school
(c) be friendless
(d) be defiant
Yes, and a whole lot of other things.

So what parents want is the answer to this question: how do I give my child self-esteem? Some parents tell me that they have been careful never to criticize their child. Others have said that they praise whatever the child does. They are dismayed that all of this has not led to increased self-esteem in their child.

I have a twofold answer to this conundrum. First, it is not poor self-esteem that creates anti-social behavior. In fact, studies have shown that many convicted criminals have very high self-esteem—so high, in fact, that they consider their judgments of right and wrong as more valid than those of society. Low self-esteem is not the reason for a child’s negative behaviors. It may be his reason for feeling sad or frustrated, but certainly not for disruptive behavior.

Second, self-esteem cannot be conferred upon someone else. It is something that results from one’s own actions. Imagine feeling really bad- inadequate, useless. If your best friend said, “no, you are not inadequate; you are wonderful” would it really make you change your mind? Would your negative feelings really go away? If you have done a poor job, skipped steps, left things undone, will praise make you feel as if you did a good job?

All of us feel inadequate and useless when we have not contributed in any way to our surroundings. Take the person who is at home raising children. If he or she looks around the home and sees all sorts of unfinished projects, dirty laundry, unwashed floors and then spends the day just keeping up with the children, at the end of the day he or she will feel frustrated and upset. If he or she makes a stab at getting something- anything- done, then he or she will feel better.

The same is true of a worker whose company is not making use of his or her talents. Sure, the money is still there at the end of the month, but as the days go by and he or she feels as if nothing has been accomplished, he or she will feel useless.

What is the answer to the self-esteem question? Self-esteem is gained by doing things that are useful, helpful, kind, caring. When we do these sorts of things, we feel better. We look at what we have done with a feeling of accomplishment or pride. We don’t need others to praise us because we know that what we have done is worthwhile. Sure, praise is great, but if it isn’t based on some sort of effort or accomplishment, it is meaningless.

A child who scribbles a drawing is not going to believe you when you say it is wonderful. As someone once said of children, “they’re short, but their not stupid.” If a child has worked hard at something and receives praise for it, the praise is regarded as legitimate and the child’s self-esteem is enhanced.

In building a family, it is important for all the members of the family to feel that they are contributing members of the family. That is why it is important to give children chores around the house when they are still small. At the earliest stages, children can be taught to care for their own things. They can be taught to put away their toys and to throw their laundry in the hamper. As they get older, they can be taught to fold napkins, set the table and to clear it. I still can picture one of my sons standing on a stool in front of the sink at about 5 years old with his hands full of soap suds and a big grin on his face. It only took him a short time to learn to do a really excellent job washing dishes. Vacuuming, dusting, folding laundry all are activities that children can be taught that allow them to be valued members of the household.

Caring activities also build self-esteem. Caring for plants and pets also helps a person to feel a sense of purpose. Helping parents, grandparents, friends and neighbors makes children feel important. Giving to others makes it easier to receive.

A friend and mentor of mine, Sol Gordon, talks about “mitzvah therapy” for depressed people. He points out that if you do good deeds that you will feel useful, that others will be happy to see you, and that your life will take on meaning.

Self-esteem isn’t something you can give to your children, but you can present them with opportunities so that they can create it for themselves.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,
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