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Changing minds

April 30, 2006 by

I recently had a client who was determined to change his wife’s mind about something that he disagreed with. He was frustrated and upset that she wouldn’t “listen to reason.” He had explained to her how ridiculous her point of view was. He had told her that her thoughts and beliefs defied logic. Somehow, all of that had failed to convince her.

How is it that people change their minds?

Interestingly enough, the answer is embedded in the question. People, over time, develop thought and beliefs that are based on their experience, knowledge, and interactions with others. Once formed, those thoughts and beliefs become part of the person. They help him or her define who he/she is. As long as those thoughts and beliefs enable him/her to go about life in a reasonably good way, they remain unquestioned and firm.

However, when these thoughts and beliefs are challenged or questioned, a person must then either examine them or defend them. For most people, these thoughts and beliefs are so much part of them that questioning them would require a major internal reorganization. So what they do is to defend them. If the person came to these thoughts and beliefs in a reasoned way, then he/she will have a logical argument or facts to back up his/her point of view. If they were formed because of experiences, then he/she may have personal examples he/she can cite that make the thoughts and beliefs seem valid and reasonable.

However, if, upon examination, the person finds that his/her facts were wrong or the conclusions he/she drew were not well founded, then he or she can change his/her mind.

And therein lies the challenge. Because when we have formulated thoughts and beliefs that have become part of ourselves, it is very hard to give them up, even when we may understand that they are not well thought out or valid any longer. Coming to a different point requires quite literally, a change of mind. All of the neural pathways that we have been reinforcing for a long period of time now need to be changed. Now, A no longer leads to B, it leads to C, and that is difficult to hold onto when it has led to B for so long.

In many cases people really resist change. They say things like “that’s the way I am” and “I have always disliked (fill in the blank) and I always will” and despite facts to the contrary, they will maintain their old thoughts and beliefs.

For people who like to influence others, it is important to know a few things:

1. Change of thoughts and beliefs takes time. People do not change overnight and certainly not as the result of one discussion, no matter how hot and heavy. You can wear someone down, but that doesn’t mean you’ve changed his/her mind. Change is a process that goes on internally and pushing from the outside does not hurry the inside.

2. The more one badgers the other, the less likely the other is to consider the facts and arguments on the other side. When badgered and nagged, people generally will try all the harder to hold onto what they believe. Generally it will cause the other to solidify his/her opposition to the new idea. At that point it becomes a struggle for his/her identity and integrity as a person.

3. Arguing beyond a certain point may yield what looks like victory, but in the end, the other will either return to opposition later or passive aggressively oppose the other side.

How to be effective:

Trust that the other person is a healthy, intelligent person and that he/she is capable of thinking for him/herself and that if he/she is given information, he/she will examine it and decide what to do with it.

Give the person the time and space to consider things. Understand that relationships are not about how wins and who loses, who converts who to their point of view. Relationships are about mutual respect, so be respectful.

Be patient.

And most of all, understand that you yourself might sometimes need to rethink your own thoughts and beliefs.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

I didn’t know the gun was loaded

April 24, 2006 by

It happens all the time. For some people it’s things they say. They speak without thinking and then realize (or worse yet, don’t!) that they have said something to hurt or offend another. For them, it’s sometimes “open mouth, engage foot.” For others, it’s not just a remark, but an entire conversation that they suddenly realize could have been thought of as hurtful or that causes the other person to reduce contact or react angrily.

People can err on both sides of the communication spectrum. They can be so very careful of what they say that it is almost impossible to engage them in a real conversation. They are worried that what they say may be taken the wrong way or may not be something that people would generally agree with. On the other side is the person who just talks without giving any thought to what he or she is saying. Both of these approaches are problematic. But both are attempts that people make to solve the same problem.

And the problem is this: how do I express myself—my thoughts, opinions, experiences without making others uncomfortable or worse yet, oppositional to me. For people on the quiet end of the spectrum, their solution is to just remain silent a good deal of the time. Abraham Lincoln said “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” These people must be drawn out and often what they have to say is worthwhile hearing because they have taken the time to think things out. When they remain silent, they may be feeling emotions that have no outlet and then they can build resentments, anger, and fears that could be alleviated by a simple exchange of words.

On the other side of the spectrum, people decide, “it’s too much trouble to worry about how people will react. I will just “tell it like it is” and if they don’t like it, well, tough.” So some of these people will talk even before a fully formulated thought is present, making it up as they go along. If they are bright and talented, they can often get away with it, but if they aren’t, well, sometimes people will just stop listening.

All of us err in both directions from time to time, but of course the middle road would be the desirable one. A person should think before he or she speaks. His words should be chosen so as to convey the meaning he or she intends, and he or she should think about the person who is receiving the message and whether the message will in any way hurt or offend the other. If so, then rewording or rethinking the utterance might be advisable.

In Jewish life we have the concept of shemirat halashon, watching or guarding one’s tongue. It’s not such a bad idea.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships

Jumping in with both feet

April 18, 2006 by

When one of my sons was in nursery school, the teacher came up with an original idea for a mother’s day gift. She filled several dishpans with paint and she asked the four year olds to take off their shoes and socks and then step into a dishpan so that with their paint covered feet they could make footprints on the large pieces of paper she had laid out on the ground. As she recounted the experience to me later that day, one by one the children refused to step into the dishpans. They thought they would get their feet dirty. They thought their mother would be angry. They thought the feel of paint on their feet would be yucky. They simply refused. Until she came to my son. She told me that when it came his turn, he quite literally jumped in with both feet.

Well, to tell the truth, he was always that sort of child. He never did anything halfway. When he was angry, he was angry, and when he was happy, his little face glowed. When he was being sneaky, it was as if his ears grew into little points. The child was simply fully present in his own life. There was no reserve, no holding back, and although sometimes his enthusiasm overwhelmed me, he seemed to make the most of every experience.

I thought of him as I have been watching our newest family member make his transition into the family. Two years ago, our older daughter’s husband came into the family in such a natural way, that it almost seems as if he has always been one of us. He put time and energy into getting to know our daughter’s children and establishing a close relationship with each one. He is loved and respected by all of his new extended family. Since then, five new babies have been born! It must have been daunting for our new son-in-law to suddenly be faced with 21 nieces and nephews! I can’t even imagine how he will learn all of the names. But, to my delight, he has jumped in with both feet– talking with, playing with, and spending time with the children, really getting to know them. At the wedding, many of the nieces and nephews sang a song to their “Aunt Leah” that included a welcome to “Uncle Yaakov.” All of us are happy to welcome him to the family!

(note: for those interested in seeing the family, most of us are on a picture associated with an earlier entry “The Wedding.” For more family pictures, you can go to: http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AYs2rJi2csIc

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life

What Jugglers Know

April 16, 2006 by

I never knew that when my daughter got married I would be gaining not just a son-in-law but a glimpse into a whole new world, the world of juggling.

This being the middle of Passover (Chol HaMoed), Israel is having its annual juggling convention at a lovely place called Gan HaShlosha (Sachne). It is a beautiful park with pools of water and waterfalls up in the north of the country not far from Bet Shean.

When I drove the young couple to the convention, I hadn’t expected to see anything but people juggling. When I got there, I was overcome by the variety of people attending—from all walks of life—all sizes, shapes, colors, dressed in every possible type of garb one could imagine.

Here is what I saw: These people were friendly, kind, helpful to each other, accepting, open, and enjoying themselves. It seems to me that they have found through their avocation, some of the secrets of living a good life. Some of the things they know are:

1. When your neighbor drops something, help him pick it up, just as he will pick up when you drop
2. Pay attention to where you throw things.
3. Keeping a lot going at a time requires concentration.
4. Handling a lot of things at once sometimes makes you look awkward.
5. Accomplishing difficult things takes lots and lots of practice.
6. You can always learn more.
7. It is legitimate to enjoy life.

I left the jugglers in a teeming rain by the pools of water and waterfalls, surrounded by bougainvillea and lush trees and grass and through the pouring rain there was the sound of laughter and the beauty of joy.

Filed Under: Emotional health

May they continue

April 7, 2006 by

I am sitting here and wondering what will come out of my head as the white screen challenges me.

I suppose after weeks of such intense emotional experiences, sitting in my living room and listening to classical music and talking to my sister who is visiting from Philadelphia doesn’t qualify as high drama.

But isn’t that really what life is? Real life is made of moments of intense feeling and longer periods of just living. Life, if we are lucky, remains precious, even when it is as quiet and subdued as a Friday afternoon listening to music and enjoying the presence of people I love and thinking about the first roses blooming outside and the beginnings of the blossoms of the pomegranate tree and the first little plums on the plum tree that was in bloom only a couple of weeks ago. Life can be vastly satisfying when I realize that my children are healthy and happy and doing productive things. Life is beautiful when I think of all of the little growing Michelsons and Ariks and Inbars and how they add so much happiness to my world.

Sometimes I see clients who are living in their private torture chambers. They are racked with fear or emotional pain or terrible memories or anger or desire for revenge. I long to take them for a walk on my path. I want to show them that the world is a place with wonderful possibilities, with unlimited beauty, with opportunities for caring and kindness and love. I want them to be able to release the chains and to knock down the walls they have built around themselves and to appreciate the beauty of the breeze rustling the tree branches, moving the geraniums to wave from the window, to see the beauty of a smile, to feel the warmth of a caress.

The mundane itself is very special. It is the time we get to refuel to have the energy for all of our blessings. May they continue!

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings, Spirituality

The disk is full or too many files are open

March 23, 2006 by

The wedding day is nearing. The guests are arriving from out of the country and we are working on a myriad of details, none of which seem important, but all of which must be handled. They have to do with coordinating and remembering things and making sure that all of the people and objects are in the right place at the right time. The dress must be picked up and then dropped off at the woman who does the makeup and hair. The flowers need to get to the wedding planner. The tables have to be planned and place cards written. And meanwhile, we need to continue enjoying life and to make sure that our guests are enjoying their time in Israel.

And so today, the phone rang as we were driving from Netanya to Modi’in, and it was our daughter Rachel. She told her father that her baby is going to be induced tomorrow. Inside of me, that little clump of tissue encased in my skull registered “tilt” or, in the modern vernacular “The disk is full or too many files are open.”

It reminds me a bit of times when we had two cars and we had dropped one off to be fixed and midday the dealer called to say it was ready to be picked up, and all I could think about was how I was going to be able to drive two cars home from his repair facility.

Sure. I can do this.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life

Planning for the future

March 3, 2006 by

Certainty is an illusion. “Man tracht und Gott lacht.” “Man proposes; God disposes.” “The best laid plans of mice and men…” We know this, and yet we live as if it isn’t so. People plan weeks, months, years in advance. They spend time building their knowledge base, their skills, their acquaintance network, their home, their family- as if the future will roll out in front of them as a long straight road.

We pray it will be so. We pray that they are able to fulfill the dreams they have, the ones they have worked for, but we know that sometimes it doesn’t work out. There are illnesses, their own or others’. There are accidents and acts of nature and terror attacks and suddenly all of the plans have been cancelled, or, at best, changed.

We human beings are a resilient lot. We have been given tools to deal with these setbacks and disappointments. We try harder. We research information. We adapt. We repress. We deny the pain so that we can go on. We accept the help of friends and relatives who lend us their strength and determination and optimism.

Sometimes people say, “Why bother to plan? It won’t happen anyway,” But we know that if we don’t plan and prepare, it will surely not happen. So our faith is constantly being challenged. Will we carry on in the face of the unknown? Will we continue to work hard to be the kind of people we want to be? Will we plan and work and strive to accomplish what we know is good and true and right?

There are those who believe that a righteous act is in and of itself a significant event in the universe. Each and every day, we are presented with opportunities to give our smile, our help, our love and our kindness to others. We are given the opportunity to be gracious and kind to those we know and to those we don’t know. We are able to day by day, step by step build a better world. And that in itself helps to create the best possible future for ourselves, for our children, and for the world.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings, Relationships, Spirituality

Why therapy works and why it fails

February 27, 2006 by

If I really knew how to answer those questions, I would write a book and go on the talk show circuit. I don’t think that any of my colleagues could honestly tell you that they can speak with confidence and explain this to you on the basis of the latest empirical studies. Human beings are simply too complex. Any study involves a myriad of variables including age, gender, family experience, genetics, education, socioeconomic group, ethnic background, religiosity, natural aptitudes and talents, type of community, size of home, sibling birth order, etc. Then there are the factors that bring these individuals to therapy. There are phobias and anxiety and trauma and anger and depression and relationships and identity issues. How will we ever figure out what works and for whom? However, I do have some thoughts based on my experience over the years.

Change in a human being usually results from changes that person chooses to make in his/her thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors. Change does not happen from merely sitting in a therapist’s office and listening to what they have to say. Recently I spoke to someone who told me, “I went to therapy and it didn’t help.” I asked her what her experience was. She told me that she had on several occasions presented herself to a therapist, spent one or maximum two sessions with the therapist, and then decided it wasn’t helping.

Well, of course not! What do you think she was imagining? Was she envisioning something which now is only a fond hope—that someday clients will walk into our offices and just the radiance of our presence will enlighten them on some subconscious level and suddenly their boss will become less critical, their children will begin achieving in school and their spouse will be offered a job that pays enough for them to buy a new house, boat, and a trip around the world? Can you imagine how much I could charge for that hour?

Alas, in the world of today, we are left with people needing to take responsibility for their own lives. They need to be able to make choices that lead them to thoughts, feelings and behaviors that enable them to be the kind of person they feel good about being and the kind that others are glad to know.

But it isn’t easy. People who are wounded need to learn to trust. If therapists are honest and caring, then they can become the first person that is trusted and later, the client can begin to trust some select others. But it also takes work from the client. If he/she says, “that’s the way I am; I simply don’t trust anyone and I don’t want to risk trusting anyone,” then no amount of therapy can help. The client needs to open him/herself to the possibility of change and to consider how that could be accomplished. Sometimes clients will take the plunge and begin to change almost immediately. Others will take weeks and even months before they are ready to give up old ways of functioning. The one thing I know is that if they are not willing to give up the old thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, they will remain stuck where they are. And as much as they may wish to blame their therapist, it is clear why the therapy didn’t help.

Filed Under: Emotional health

Limits

February 12, 2006 by

Last night I was talking to my son about childrearing. To my amazement, I think my children all are doing a wonderful job of raising their children, each in their own way, so it was not a discussion where I was giving advice, merely a talk about what seems to work best. He said that he was convinced that the most important reason for a parent to set limits is that limits make children feel secure. Children actually want limits.

I have to agree (after all, he learned that from me!) Children feel secure if they know what they may and may not do. They feel happy and in control of their lives if their parents have told them what actions will have what types of consequences and then enforce them. Of course consequences can also be good. If a child knows that helping to clear the table will earn him a special story or helping to fold the laundry is good for some cookies and milk, then he is able to choose a behavior that will yield him a reward. The key to this type of security is consistency. If parents consistently provide rewards that have been promised for certain actions and punishments that have been defined for others, then children begin to understand that what they do matters. The child learns: “It is not just whether Mom and Dad are happy with me, but I am able to arrange for good things for myself if I put in the effort.” For after all, isn’t that the way the world works? When we do something good that requires a lot of effort, there is usually a reward at the end. Sometimes it is monetary, sometimes it is something tangible, and sometimes it is the satisfaction of a job well done.

For children, knowing what’s permitted and what’s not is a key to their making sense of the world and to understanding that it is not just a random place where things happen for no discernable reason. Having limits that are clear and consistent provides them with opportunities for self-efficacy and with feelings of security.

Although I was fairly consistent as a mother, I remember having that important lesson taught to me once again as one day I was driving with my then 11 year old and he said to me, “the same thing happens to Scott as happens to me.” I asked him what that was and he told me, “Scott does bad things and his parents still give him good things.” He said it in such a way that it was clear to me that he didn’t understand why that would happen. For him, receiving ood things after he had misbehaved was not a gift of love, but something that confused him. I began to appreciate even more that I had before that limits are of vital importance, not just for teaching children how to act, but for enabling them to make sense of the world.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting

The Beautiful People

January 22, 2006 by

They are out there. They are not in magazines, movies, advertisements, TVshows, or plays, at least not visibly, but they are there.

They are the kind of people who draw you toward them. You want to talk with them, laugh with them, listen to them, even cry with them. They touch you deep inside. Once you meet them they are forever a part of you.

They are not showy. They do not speak of their accomplishments as if they are medals and as if they are what make them special. In fact, they speak of others’ accomplishments and they feel happy for them. They give, they create, they listen, they watch. They are kind. They are gentle, And most of all, they are real.

They know that the humanness they possess is not something to be ashamed of, but something that is precious so when they make mistakes, they can laugh at themselves and they can listen and learn for the next time. They are tolerant of others’ humanness too. They are patient and forgiving.

When you meet them, you know it. You feel the magnetism. You see their vulnerability, the clear eyes, the gentle smile, the openness. You see the light of truth shining through them. There is no artifice, only what is real. I think it is what Keats meant when he wrote in Ode on a Grecian Urn
,
“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,”—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

If you are lucky, you welcome many beautiful people into your life. If you let it happen, you can become one of them.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships, Spirituality
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