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Transitions- Part II

April 14, 2005 by

In the first article, I focused on family moves, but there are other transitions that give people difficulty. This piece is designed to deal with children’s transitions and how parents can help ease them.

Think back to that first day in the new job. People were outwardly friendly and welcoming, but everyone else looked like they belonged and you didn’t. What did you do? Well, what most people do is they bring items from their home that are familiar—a picture of family members, a special coffee mug, a favorite pen. You come in each day, work, and after a while, the office begins to look and feel familiar. As adults, we have learned that change is difficult and that we need to be patient with ourselves and that we will eventually be comfortable once again.

Yet, knowing this, the very same people have no idea why their child is disturbed by the first day of school. “You’ll be meeting lots of new friends” “You will be learning all sorts of new things.” These reassurances are not helpful in that they are telling him or her to expect exactly what they are worried about. They don’t want new friends. They don’t want to learn new things. They want life as they knew it to go on and this school thing is looking a lot like it’s going to get in the way.

It is helpful to listen to your child’s fears and his or her images of what will happen in unknown territory. He or she needs to know that his or her feelings are valid and that you understand. It is also helpful to provide your child with objects that ease the transition, just as adults use objects to give their office a taste of home. Coincidentally, these are called, “transitional objects.” They can be small items that no one would notice, but would help the child bridge the gap between home (life as they know it) and school (life as they fear it.) Such objects could include a special home baked cookie for snack, wearing something that belongs to mother or father, a small object that has meaning for the child, or a favorite book.

The amazing thing about people is that it takes us a very short time to acclimate to a new environment. We can teach our children to use the same tactics as we use to ease their transitions. Most people are born with an ability to be resilient and your child’s resilience can be cultivated with patience, understanding, and support.

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting

Transitions- Part I

April 11, 2005 by

What does that word mean to you? Well, if you ever gave birth to a baby, you might remember those last few minutes before they told you that you could push. You remember it… It was that time that you realized that death isn’t such a bad alternative to pain. It was the time that is euphemistically called transition.

If you never have experienced it, have no fear. I can really describe it to you. Think of the worst pain you ever felt in your life and multiply it by 10.

It didn’t get its name by chance. Transitions are difficult. When people experience a major transition, they often feel disoriented, fearful, worried and out of control,.

As much as we don’t like to admit it, human beings really do enjoy routine. We enjoy stability. We like knowing where things are. We like knowing what to expect. Research has shown that people will even remain loyal to their brands of foods, cleaning supplies, and toiletries.

Listen to someone who has moved far from “home” and you will hear him or her talking about where to find the bagels that taste like “Bubba’s” or where to get all-beef hotdogs. Foods and other products that remind us of home make our transitions easier.

One of the most common changes that families go through is a move from one house to another. Within the same city, it can be upsetting and difficult. The greater the distance, the more difficult and if one moves from one culture to another, it is all the more so.

Typically, during transitions nerves are frayed, children act up, and marriages are strained. The good news is that there are ways to deal with transition that are helpful.

During the years that my husband was in the Army, he and I and our children went through many transitions as we moved from place to place, changing homes, schools, friends, and lifestyles. Each change challenged us in a new way. We developed some coping mechanisms. Here are a few:

1. Developing a “we’re all in this together” attitude: As much as it may seem that the burden is not being shared equally, everyone in the family is going through a difficult time. The transition is something that everyone will weather better if the family works together.

2. Giving up the illusion of control: It was very clear that there were a large number of things over which we had no control. We were on a galloping horse. Instead of fighting to stay in control, we just had faith that it would go where it needed to and we held on for dear life.

3. Gathering information: We found out as much as we possibly could about each place we were moving. We read about the new post or city and we spoke with people who had lived there or visited there. We particularly focused in information about schools for the children. We shared the information with the children, showing them pictures when there were pictures available. In the days of the internet, all of this has become so much easier.

4. Accentuating the positive: We also explored what attractions there were in the area- lakes, beaches, historical landmarks, and recreational activities. It helped the children form images of a happy future in the new place.

5. Seeing it as an adventure: We tried to cultivate in the children an excitement about the adventure we were embarking upon. There were times when we would leave the old home for the new one and as we piled into the car, we would sing “On the road again.”

Transitions can be very difficult, but the changes they involve challenge us to grow and learn.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting

The Pope and I

April 8, 2005 by

All week I have been preoccupied like most of the world, with the death of the Pope. Watching the ritual and ceremony, the dignity and respect that are being expressed, I am stunned. The Catholic Church has provided a beautiful tribute to the Pope. It is not a Hollywood production, but a ritual prescribed by their history. It is authentic and majestic at the same time as being restrained and respectful.

Ritual appeals to people on a deep level. It transcends words and travels directly to the soul. People crave ritual from their earliest days. A child wants to know what to expect of his world. He or she wants to know that in the morning there is getting washed and dressed and eating and then he or she is off to play or to school. Bedtime rituals allow the child to wind down from the day. Rituals provide a structure for life. They provide regularity and emotional safety. It is within the structure of ritual that a person can feel free. I like to think of ritual in the way I used to think of a playpen for my children. In the confines of the playpen, there were only safe toys and everything that happened inside that structure was safe and healthy. Likewise, in our lives we need that structure which is provided by ritual.

Families naturally create their own rituals. Family members may kiss hello and goodbye. The husband may bring coffee to his wife each morning. Children might show their parents schoolwork each evening after supper. The family might go out to eat every Sunday evening. Regularity and predictability are hard-wired needs.

Cultures and civilizations also create rituals. Holidays are ritual observances. Preparing for holidays, special table settings, linens, decorations are all part of the excitement of the holiday.

Rituals are not just actions performed on a regular basis, but on a spiritual level, they are specific symbolic actions. Immersion in a baptismal font or a mikva is not just a physical cleansing, but a spiritual cleansing. Lighting candles for mood is not the same as lighting candles for a holy day. The connection of action and meaning, the connection of past and present, the connection with others throughout the world along with regularity are all parts of what makes ritual so powerful.

Years ago, my husband and I took care of two little children, aged five and six for a couple of weeks. These were not Jewish children, but in our house, they experienced shabbat- the candle lighting, the kiddush and wine, the formal table settings, the prayers and songs. Of course they dressed up in their nicest clothes as did the rest of us. About three days later, one of the children asked, “Is tonight shabbat again?” She told me that shabbat was special. This child was not sophisticated. She had no understanding of the meaning. It was the ritual that spoke to her without words.

So often, people want to throw away things that are old and outdated. Modern, educated clients have come to me. They are successful in business, they have satisfying home-lives, but they are unsatisfied, and depressed. They feel their life is devoid of meaning. Ritual does not provide answers. It is instead, the spiritual home that helps us feel connected to other people, to the world, and to ourselves.

The Pope and I—we had that belief in common. May he rest in peace.

Filed Under: Parenting, Spirituality Tagged With: , , ,

Norah Jones

April 7, 2005 by

My husband mentioned to me this morning that Ravi Shankar turns 85 today which made me wonder if I was remembering correctly that he was Norah Jones’ father. I did a search and found out that yes, he is. Amidst the information I found was a rather contentious conversation about what, if anything, his talent had to do with his daughter’s given their lack of contact for most of her life.

It reminded me of one of the most interesting parts of getting to be a grandmother. Four of my children are parents and as I look at their children, I see features that belong to my parents, my in-laws, and the grandparents on the other sides of the family. I notice how cousins sometimes look more alike than siblings and I wonder how some genes have more power than others to predominate over generations.

I see not only their physical features, but their personalities and preferences. Can it really be that the love of pens and papers that my father had and that my sister and I shared and that my daughters share really has been genetically encoded? What a joy it was taking my granddaughter to town one day and stopping into a stationery store and seeing her fascination with exactly the same objects.

Of course that goes both ways. One daughter-in-law can’t really understand why none of my children are sports fans. I jokingly told her that there were no known sports genes on either side of the family. Was it really a joke?

As a therapist, I have been engaged with the nature/nurture controversy for years. It seems that the pendulum has recently swung in favor of nature based upon a number of studies. In view of the demanding lifestyle that most parents live and often their lack of time and energy for their children– in the creation of human beings, that might have been a very prudent design feature.

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting, Ramblings, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

Self-esteem

April 6, 2005 by

Self-esteem

One of the concepts that concerns practically all parents who consult with me is self-esteem. If only little David had more self-esteem, he wouldn’t
(a) beat up all of the other children in his class
(b) do so poorly in school
(c) be friendless
(d) be defiant
Yes, and a whole lot of other things.

So what parents want is the answer to this question: how do I give my child self-esteem? Some parents tell me that they have been careful never to criticize their child. Others have said that they praise whatever the child does. They are dismayed that all of this has not led to increased self-esteem in their child.

I have a twofold answer to this conundrum. First, it is not poor self-esteem that creates anti-social behavior. In fact, studies have shown that many convicted criminals have very high self-esteem—so high, in fact, that they consider their judgments of right and wrong as more valid than those of society. Low self-esteem is not the reason for a child’s negative behaviors. It may be his reason for feeling sad or frustrated, but certainly not for disruptive behavior.

Second, self-esteem cannot be conferred upon someone else. It is something that results from one’s own actions. Imagine feeling really bad- inadequate, useless. If your best friend said, “no, you are not inadequate; you are wonderful” would it really make you change your mind? Would your negative feelings really go away? If you have done a poor job, skipped steps, left things undone, will praise make you feel as if you did a good job?

All of us feel inadequate and useless when we have not contributed in any way to our surroundings. Take the person who is at home raising children. If he or she looks around the home and sees all sorts of unfinished projects, dirty laundry, unwashed floors and then spends the day just keeping up with the children, at the end of the day he or she will feel frustrated and upset. If he or she makes a stab at getting something- anything- done, then he or she will feel better.

The same is true of a worker whose company is not making use of his or her talents. Sure, the money is still there at the end of the month, but as the days go by and he or she feels as if nothing has been accomplished, he or she will feel useless.

What is the answer to the self-esteem question? Self-esteem is gained by doing things that are useful, helpful, kind, caring. When we do these sorts of things, we feel better. We look at what we have done with a feeling of accomplishment or pride. We don’t need others to praise us because we know that what we have done is worthwhile. Sure, praise is great, but if it isn’t based on some sort of effort or accomplishment, it is meaningless.

A child who scribbles a drawing is not going to believe you when you say it is wonderful. As someone once said of children, “they’re short, but their not stupid.” If a child has worked hard at something and receives praise for it, the praise is regarded as legitimate and the child’s self-esteem is enhanced.

In building a family, it is important for all the members of the family to feel that they are contributing members of the family. That is why it is important to give children chores around the house when they are still small. At the earliest stages, children can be taught to care for their own things. They can be taught to put away their toys and to throw their laundry in the hamper. As they get older, they can be taught to fold napkins, set the table and to clear it. I still can picture one of my sons standing on a stool in front of the sink at about 5 years old with his hands full of soap suds and a big grin on his face. It only took him a short time to learn to do a really excellent job washing dishes. Vacuuming, dusting, folding laundry all are activities that children can be taught that allow them to be valued members of the household.

Caring activities also build self-esteem. Caring for plants and pets also helps a person to feel a sense of purpose. Helping parents, grandparents, friends and neighbors makes children feel important. Giving to others makes it easier to receive.

A friend and mentor of mine, Sol Gordon, talks about “mitzvah therapy” for depressed people. He points out that if you do good deeds that you will feel useful, that others will be happy to see you, and that your life will take on meaning.

Self-esteem isn’t something you can give to your children, but you can present them with opportunities so that they can create it for themselves.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,
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