When finally we get to the part of our lives when our children become adults, new boundary issues surface.

If all along we have been recognizing that our child was developing his or her abilities to make healthy decisions, then this period is not as difficult. If we had been thinking of the child as still needing our input in order to function optimally, then this period can be very hard.

Once a child is earning his/her own living, marries, and has his/her own children, the parents’ role should have changed radically. Parents then become older colleagues—people who share their experience with their children. Discussions should be real dialogues and not monologues. Parents should not call their children too often (more than once a day) unless there is a good reason. When the children even hint that they need to get off the phone, the parents should politely say, “have a good day/evening” and hang up. Calling hours should be at times of the day when people are expected to answer the telephone. Too early in the morning or too late at night can make the parents’ call an annoyance rather than a pleasant experience. As a rule, parents shouldn’t “drop in” on their children without first calling to see if it’s a good time. Parents need to realize that their adult children do have their own lives.

One of the hardest aspects of being the parent of adult children is watching your children raising their children differently than you did. It is difficult NOT to intervene. After all, if your children turned out well, you believe that you know a lot more about raising children than your child and his/her spouse do.

This was a dilemma for me. As I watched each of my children interact with their own children, I had plenty to say, but I kept silent. As I watch the grandchildren of four families grow up with four different styles of parenting, I become more and more convinced that there are many ways to raise good children.

Here are some exceptions to the rules:

If you see violence, I believe you need to stop it in the best way you can. With clients, I frequently tell them that violence (hitting, pinching, pushing, kicking, spanking, beating) simply doesn’t work. I explain to them that what it teaches the child is that people who are stronger can control people who are weaker by force. That three year old will someday be sixteen and stronger than his mother and father. Is that the message you really want to give?

If you see emotional abuse, I believe you need to stop it. Emotional abuse consists of (but is not limited to) treating the child in a way that devalues the child. Name-calling (cry-baby, terror, troublemaker, “Miss Pris”) is a sure sign that the child is being thought of in a derogatory manner. When parents label children as bad instead of shaping their behaviors, they are emotionally abusing them. When parents make fun of children or threaten them or make them feel guilty for no reason (“it’s because of you that I have stretch marks; I used to look really good”) that is emotional abuse. Parents usually will deny that it’s abuse. They will tell you that the child knows they are joking, but children don’t process this as humor. One father I had in my office used to tell his child that if he did something that the father didn’t approve of, he would “break his arm.” The father said that the child understood he didn’t really mean it. When I asked the four year old what it meant when Daddy said he would break his arm, the child said he thought that meant that his father was going to remove his arm—in the way that a doll’s arm comes off. The child said that it made him scared. Parents need to be sensitized to the fact that children are very literal and they don’t understand exaggeration, metaphor, or sarcasm until age five or six at the earliest. They also need to know that children internalize names they are called. They make these names part of them and they believe what their parents say about them. The “terror” will felt that wreaking havoc is his role in life. Labeling makes positive change hard.

In the event that you are seeing abuse, discussion with your own child should not be in the grandchild’s presence since you should not undermine the parents’ authority. Respect is the key word here… respect of the grandparent for the parents and respect of the parents for their children. All help should be given with love and understanding. Often young parents are just trying to do the best they can and learning alternative methods of managing the child’s behavior can help both the parents and the children.

Now that I am feeling a bit better, I was looking for something to write about when I saw that someone had gotten to my page by searching for “teaching children to respect parents.” I thought, “What a great idea!” and so here are the beginnings of my thoughts on that subject.

I have talked about respecting boundaries, and how that type of respect must be mutual. It is difficult to demand that your child keep his hands off or your things when you might take his or her things and use them and misplace them. Most parents don’t realize it, but that Cinderella pencil is sacred and the Harry Potter bookmark is an object of reverence.

However, there are other types of respect that parents should receive from their children and that children should receive from their parents. Very early on, children need to have their behavior shaped so that they are not misbehaving in public. If the child doesn’t misbehave in public, then the parent will never have to publicly humiliate the child. That means actually helping the child to change the undesirable behavior rather than yelling across two aisles of the supermarket “you have to stay with me.” That means that parents of young children should make sure that their children don’t get into bad habits in public like:

1. Running away from their parents or hiding in a store. That is totally unacceptable. It is not funny and it is not amusing and the child should not in any way be rewarded for it by the parent smiling and saying, “Oh, there you are!” As much as possible, the parent has to have their eye on the child so that he or she doesn’t get away. If they should begin to wander away, then the parent immediately needs to stop the child. If the child is able to slip away, the parent must immediately find the child and tell him or her how worried the parent was when he or she disappeared and how that can’t happen again. I have seen parents literally say, “I don’t know where he is, but at least he’s not bothering me; I’ll go and get him when I’m done shopping.” This is a very very bad thing to do. It teaches the child that what is unacceptable is acceptable. This one comes back to bite the parent later. A child who tends to wander needs to be in a stroller or shopping cart or holding onto one. Children who repeatedly wander need to know that they are not able to go shopping with Mom or Dad until they are more reliable.
2. Carrying on for a toy or snack. A child who carries on and is rewarded (“OK, if you are quiet for the next 15 minutes, I will get you that ice pop”) learns to carry on. Rather, the parent should decide from the beginning whether he or she will be buying the child a snack or toy. If the parent thinks it is appropriate, it should be a treat, not a payoff. It is easy to train children not to nag in a store. All you need to do is be consistent in refusing to be blackmailed. The parent needs to realize that the higher the stakes, the more of a fuss the child is making, the worse it is to give in. Children who are not demanding in stores tend to be more pleasant to shop with. Every successful parent/child interaction builds not only the child’s self-esteem, but also the mutually respectful relationship between parent and child.
3. Fighting with siblings. Of all of the ways in which children act out in public, this is probably the worst because the parents just want to be swallowed up by the ground and disappear. Children should learn early on that fighting with siblings is a very bad thing to do, especially in public. It means that no one will get a treat, should there have been one in the offing. It also means that the parents will have little desire to go out with the children.

The reason I speak of these three specific examples is that one of the biggest obstacles to mutual respect of parents and children is the issue of public humiliation, both on the part of the children and on the part of the parent. No parent should “lose it” in public and no child should be embarrassed, yelled at, screamed at, etc. in public. Such mistakes can be devastating to the parent/child relationship. Children should be assisted to act in a kind and respectful manner, having their behaviors shaped by the parents, little by little, ensuring that the child will eventually, on his own, interact in society in a polite and respectful manner.

Couples often have trouble maintaining their boundaries with their parents. Usually the problem stems from a sense that it is disloyal to exclude one’s mother or father from important decisions.

If parents have done their job well and have prepared their children in each stage of their lives to take on greater and greater responsibility, then it seems logical to conclude that as the child reaches adulthood, the parent can sit back and feel good about the fact that they have raised a fully-functioning individual.

Unfortunately, that happens all too rarely. Many parents think that they are still responsible for their adult children’s decisions and must protect them from making “terrible mistakes.” Parents may fear that their children’s decisions will reflect badly on them or will not reflect their preferences. In short, allowing one’s children to grow into independent adults means being able to release oneself from responsibility for them and to trust that they will know what to do.

The young couple, having grown up in homes where their parents were even moderately successful at creating a decent home life, may feel that their parents possess wisdom that they don’t have. That is true, and that is why parents can be called upon to give information, advice, and to help problem solve, but the ultimate voters on what to do are the husband and wife, and the information that they choose to regard as helpful should be determined by the helpfulness of the information, not by whose parent supplied it.

Some parents are satisfied to intervene in a very minimal way. If their children ask for information, advice, or help, the parents are available and they accept that their input is part of an information-gathering enterprise. Other parents, when asked, will immediately see an open door to take over the decision making process. And some parents, even when not asked, still offer their opinions in heavy-handed ways.

Both husband and wife need to know where the boundaries are. It is not a “mine vs. yours” game. It is simply a challenge to both of them to adapt a strategy to minimize the intrusion into their lives.

Here are some hints:
1. Never discuss with intrusive parents something that you are still very unsure of. The less sure that you are, the more sure they will be.
2. It is not disloyal to “manage the news.” There are lots of things that go on in a home that do not need to be shared with anyone, but least of all with intrusive parents. Preserving your marital boundary is something that shores up your marriage and makes it strong. It is loyalty to your spouse who should be number one!
3. Never mention to one set of in-laws the information or assistance given to you by the other. For intrusive parents, that is a casus belli. People who want to control become enraged when they think that someone else has been more successful than they at influencing their child!
4. Have some ideas about questions you wouldn’t mind them answering like how to prepare a specific sauce or where one might find a specific type of book. The more they feel consulted, the less they will feel the need to intrude.
5. Remember that these people raised your spouse, a person who you love and with whom you are building your future.

As adults, boundaries are also an ongoing issue. The first task that a new couple engages in is defining the boundary around them as a couple. They define the extent to which their nuclear families are able to intrude on their relationship. Early in a marriage, loyalty to individuals’ nuclear families can make them a defacto part of the marriage. He thinks his mother is the best cook in the world. She thinks that her father is much more considerate than he is. “My father wouldn’t” and “My mother would never” are often the way arguments about married life begin. Neither partner is willing to yield because that would mean disloyalty to the family from which they came. Carl Whitaker, a ground-breaking family therapist once said that he saw marriage as an arrangement in which two families each send out a representative to do battle with each other.

The very same mother who was so overbearing when he lived at home, now has become the epitome of womanhood. The way that her parents served their family dinners- each person receiving a plate full of food – is the only way it should be done. He extols the superiority of “family style” serving. And that is how the wars continue. The meaning of the war is, “I have to find a way to be married to you and still remain loyal to my family.”

All of this takes place without even the least bit of interference from the parents. Now add in parents who don’t know how to let go….

Suddenly, his mother decides that she must approve all decorating choices. She knows a better store, can get a better price, and after all, green would look hideous with the furniture they have. What could his wife be thinking of! Suddenly her mother tells them that they really should wait an optimum time before they have children. They mustn’t have them “right away,” but they mustn’t wait too long because, she informs them, “Your fertility will decline.”

A couple who is successful at forming a real marriage must draw their boundaries very tightly at first. Since each of them will think that the other’s parents are interfering too much, there should be a clear understanding that some things in the marriage remain between the spouses and ONLY between the spouses. Here are some of them in no particular order:

1. Budgets
2. Choice of residence
3. When and if to have children
4. Arguments that the spouses have
5. Career choices
6. Use of leisure time (hobbies and vacations)

This is not to say that parents can’t be consulted, but their experience and opinions should be weighed and used as additional information and not as a vote in the outcome.

As in other relationships, clear boundaries, consistently applied actually work- not the first time, but over time.

The best way to establish and maintain boundaries is by each spouse dealing with his or her own parents. The other spouse should not be named or blamed in the process. The drawing of the circle around the couple is something that each of them is responsible to do. In no way should that lessen one’s love for their family of origin or in any way fracture that relationship. It should, however, make clear to one and all who is the first priority. For a couple, it needs to be each other!

I have already said that if a child is given healthy boundaries early in his life, then the adolescent years will be easier. Those clear boundaries help a child not only to know what he must not do and that he is separate from his parents but that he also has his own mind, likes, dislikes, abilities, interests and talents. The more complete a picture that a child can draw of who he is, the less he will have to struggle to find out—and the struggle in the teen years is invariably with parents and authority figures.

A “well-bounded” child still has issues in adolescence because as his or her body begins to change and as hormone levels change, and as they suddenly grow tall in a very short time, their lives seem unpredictable and out of control. Suddenly her blouse is looking different on her and perhaps her new curves feel embarrassing in the beginning. Suddenly when he tries to talk, he is not sure which voice will appear. Worse, all of their friends are going though the same thing, so there is nothing stable to hold onto outside of themselves except their parents and teachers.

Therefore, the parents’ job becomes difficult, because as the parents must hold the boundaries and remain steady, the teens often engage in verbal and physical behaviors that infuriate and enrage parents. When the teenage daughter appears in an outfit usually only seen in the movies or in the redlight district, the parents’ first reaction could be to become angry, to “ground” her, to insist that she change immediately—who does she think she is? What would the neighbors say? The more visibly upset the parents become, the less likely it is that the girl will want to change. She now has power and better yet, she is able to define herself as not old and stodgy like her ancient 35-40 year old parents.

A while back when one of my daughters was a teen, she and I were shopping together and we came across a shirt that she desperately wanted. It was at a highly reduced price, but it was not a blouse that I would feel comfortable having her wear. She said to me that she always wanted to have a blouse like that, just to see how she looked in it. We bought the blouse with the understanding that she wear it only in the house and only when there were no males present. And that is what she did. I don’t know if she would have gone out and bought that type of blouse without me and worn it when I didn’t know. All I know is that it satisfied her need at that time in her life and she got over that phase painlessly.

Parents need to remain calm, but firm. The calmness is to allow the teen something solid to hold onto when everything is changing. The firmness is to allow him to know that there still are boundaries.

A teen can become totally single-minded in his or her quest for something. A boy may get it into his head that he must have a motor scooter and talk about it constantly. The parents will hear that everyone else has one, that they will save money on transportation, that they won’t have to ferry him from one activity to the next, and that he will even (gasp) run errands for them. Ah, these teens have the ability to persuade. But suppose you are parents who believe that motor scooters are dangerous and that no matter how safe a rider he may be, if he is hit by a careless driver, he could be seriously hurt or worse. If you believe that it is unsafe, then you need to maintain that boundary. “yes, I know you want it and yes, you have made excellent points, but I love you and care for you and I don’t want you to get hurt, so even though you believe that it would be safe, I cannot allow you to do this. When you are older and responsible for yourself completely and have more experience in life, then you might make a different decision, but for now, I need to protect you.”

About 15 years ago, one of our sons was at home for the weekend and had told one of his friends that he could drive him back to college on Saturday night. When Saturday night came around, there was a fog so thick that one could barely see five feet ahead. We told him that he could not drive back to school. He became indignant. How could we do this to him! He had promised his friend. Worse yet, people in the dorm were making his friend a surprise birthday party and unless our son took him, he would miss it. We looked out the window, listened to the traffic reports, and responded that it would be better for his friend to miss his party than to miss the rest of his life. Was our son upset with us? And how! Did we do the right thing? I believe we did. The fog was treacherous and the drive would have been very dangerous. Several weeks later, our son told us that he thought we had done the right thing.

And that is the key. Often when teens are fighting for what they want, they know that really, the parent is right and they rely on the parent to protect them from themselves. We serve as the teen’s superego—that part of them that should protect them from destructive urges. During the teen years, they often need the parent to take that role for them. If we fold, we fail them. If we give in, then what is it we actually stand for? Can they really respect us?

Even in the teenage years we are called upon to provide what Winnicott termed the “holding environment,” the structure in which the child feels safe.

Boundary issues replay themselves throughout one’s life. Adolescents, eager to define themselves, often do it in opposition to their parents. In order not to be a carbon copy of one’s father and mother, one tries out ideas and behaviors that the parent wouldn’t perform or approve of. Children who have had experience with appropriate boundaries throughout their lives have less to struggle with. They know where they begin and end. They know that their property is theirs, their thoughts are their own, and that they are respected by their parents.

One particular aspect of establishing healthy boundaries in early life is the issue of choice. Children should be educated in making choices from their earliest days. A two year old can be asked to select from one of two acceptable alternatives: “Would you like a cookie or a pretzel?” A child should not be given a “choice” if the parent has a strong preference and one of the choices is not completely acceptable to the parents. If the child is given the opportunity to choose, he should feel that his choices are respected. If mother would prefer he eat a pretzel, then he should not be given the choice. I remember once seeing a mother in a store with her four year old child. They were looking at two stuffed toy bears. The mother asked, “Which one would you like?” After a short time, the child pointed to one of the bears. The mother said, pointing to the other one, “Oh, but this one is so much nicer.” Incidents such as that one can cause a child to either be indecisive or worse, to not choose what he likes or wants, but to constantly be trying to figure out what the “right” answer is.

Now the child comes to adolescence. If from age four he has been trying to figure out the right answer that will please his mother and not what will please him, he is likely to say to himself, “I really don’t care what my mother wants; I can choose what pleases me!” And then, he will do exactly the opposite of what his mother would want and a full-scale rebellion sets in. Or, he will be a person who is so estranged from his own tastes and preferences that, he will not know what pleases him.

Since neither scenario is desirable, parents should strive to provide their children the opportunity to make choices. Such choices may include the choice of a toy that costs a specific amount of money that the parent is willing to spend. If there are specific objections to types of toys (lots of little pieces, lots of noise), then the parents need to tell the child before he is given the choice. Another choice children can be given is the order of their activities, “Do you want to draw first or shall we go to the park first?” The parents should be happy with either answer or they should not ask the question.

Similarly children should be given the opportunity to suggest family activities. One year, my twelve or thirteen year old daughter was anticipating a boring school vacation. When she spoke with me about it, I asked her what she would like to do. She said that she would like to do some local trips. We were living in a small southern town. She called up local businesses and factories and arranged tours for our family and during that vacation, we went to the Tom’s candy factory (where be got free samples), the Sunshine cookie factory (ditto), the Coca Cola bottling plant (free coasters), and a local TV station where the technician showed the children all sorts of special effects and even let them “fly” against a blue background. She had both the energy and the creativity to come up with great activities and all of us benefited.

Children who have a sense of efficacy are happier people. They need to know that their opinions, ideas, and intelligence are valued. But they also need to know that there are limits. Not everything is in their hands. Parents still have the experience and maturity that they lack and it is the parents’ task to be sure that their children are safe both physically and emotionally. Just as we don’t allow our children to decide whether or not they should have inoculations, we should not allow them to make other choices for which they lack the information and foresight. Children feel their safest when they know what the limits are.