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…but do they know we love them?

May 16, 2011 by

Sometimes when I write, it’s only when I see people’s reactions that I realize what I’ve said. The responses to my last post were all different and reflected what they meant to the people who read the piece.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder how it is that we convey what we feel to those we love. Of course kind words, gentle touch, and thoughtful deeds, help, support, and caring all are important, but why is it that sometimes it doesn’t seem as if the message gets through.

“If he really loved me, he’d say he loves me,” the young wife said to me in my office one day.
“Do you love her?” I asked him.
“Of course I do,” he answered.
“Can you tell her?” I asked.
“I love you,” he said.
“He only said that because you told him to,” she said.

Is there anything he can do to get the message across? If she says that his washing the dishes would show he loves her and he washes the dishes, will she say, “but he’s only doing that because you told him to.”

So I leave the question open. How do we let those we love know that we love them in a way that they will understand? How can we do what they want us to do to prove it without their devaluing the effort?

Is knowing that you are loved something that only happens when you have been loved and cherished as an infant? Is that necessary? Is it sufficient? For others does it take lots of years and shared experiences?

Examining our tortoise pictures in the Galapagos

What are your thoughts?

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

…but do they know?

May 15, 2011 by

Yesterday I was talking to someone who is visiting Israel on one of those programs that exist for young people. When I asked if she would be coming back to stay, she said to me, “My parents miss me.”

Ah, how tender! Her parents miss her. I am sure they do. She is a delightful person. But more important than the fact that they miss her is the fact that she knows it.

I was immediately struck by the realization that I never could have made that statement. Did my parents miss me when I was gone? Sometimes I think the happiest moments of their lives were when they were dropping me off at camp or at some weekend experience. When I returned, there was never the feeling that I had been missed. In fact, it seemed like my re-entry constituted a sort of intrusion.

Did my parents love me? I’m betting they did. My mother in her own hung-up way probably did love me. My father in his very quiet, very gentle way, I am sure loved me. But did I know it? Did I feel it?

I think about my own children. I wonder if they felt that kind of love. I wonder if they knew that I missed them when they were gone. I wonder if my oldest son knows that I cried half the night when we left him in Atlanta to attend school there. I wonder if he knew the joy I felt when he came home for weekends. I wonder if my daughter realized that the day I went to pick her up in Oklahoma City 100 miles away, when I brought her back for a surprise visit to the States, I sobbed most of the way to the airport and practically jumped out of my skin when the plane was late. I wonder about my other children too, whether they know how many times I have spent days and nights worrying about their safety as they traveled to strange places, as they served in the Army and reserves, as they traveled on dark roads past Arab villages. I wonder if they know how much I love them.

Parents’ love is strong and fierce, but sometimes our gentle, laid-back manner belies the passion we feel for the safety, well-being, and happiness of our children. How can we let them know?

It seems that some parents know how to do it. I’d like the recipe, please.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Ramblings, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , ,

My $.02

May 12, 2011 by

Since everyone else has written about the US operation that ended with the killing of Bin Laden, I thought I would add my little part.

For me, there is no doubt that the man needed to leave the scene. He caused enormous death and destruction for many years through his evil organization. He killed indiscriminately innocent men, women, and children. One can hope that perhaps his death will save some lives.

In the Jewish tradition, however, we recognize that even our enemies’ downfall is not a source of joy. In fact, at the seder each year, we spill out a bit of wine for each plague, for how can our cup of joy be full when others, G-d’s creatures, are suffering.

I feel very sad about Bin Laden and those who follow him and other people who have chosen evil. They too are G-d’s creatures. They were given human souls and human bodies that could be used for good, healthy, productive lives and they have used them to cause pain and death and destruction. How can we rejoice at the end that Bin Laden brought on himself?

Our Creator must be very disappointed in him.

Filed Under: Ramblings, Spirituality Tagged With: ,

Have I mentioned…

April 17, 2011 by

that I love living in Israel? That I find the people here to be kind and friendly and open and helpful? When we were in Malta, meeting other Israelis on the street was like meeting old high school classmates. (OK, that’s especially true for me because as I’ve mentioned before, I somehow was invisible during high school and none of my classmates remember me, so that this is exactly the same– we have a lot in common although we don’t know each other at all!)

Here, in the gym, there is a woman who frequently swims when I swim. Because we swim at about the same pace, it is very comfortable for us to swim in the same lane. We only know each other by sight, and only recently have we begun talking with each other as we get ready to leave the changing rooms. Last week she asked about my Pesach preparations. She talked about what she was doing, how this year would be different since a new son-in-law had a custom in his family that for the bitter herb, they eat tart apples. While we were talking a third younger woman was listening and she said that in her family they also eat tart apples for the bitter herbs, but put chopped liver in top of it. As we talked others offered their traditions. These women were not women who by their dress or manner most people would identify as “religious.” They were typical Israeli women. The discussion ended with someone who was leaving saying שיהיה שקט “Sheh yihyeh shaket” — it should just be a quiet* holiday. We all nodded in agreement.

Tonight on the news, the feature was afikomen gifts for the children– what children wanted and how much parents would be spending on them… What a country!

Outside this evening, the streets were filled with busy people and the restaurants were hopping with people taking a break from the Pesach cleaning and preparations.

In our house tonight, we searched for chametz by candlelight. With the gefilte fish made, the roasts and the potato and apple kugels made, about 50 giant matza balls were born.

Have a wonderful Pesach and שיהיה שקט

*Here, by quiet, we mean with no terror.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings Tagged With: , ,

How it feels

March 23, 2011 by

Here’s what it felt like:

I was sitting at my computer and suddenly on Facebook, I saw that there was an attack in Jerusalem. First I felt disbelief. How could that be? Things have been calm for a long time. I went to the four Israel news web sites I use: Jerusalem Post, Ynet, Haaretz, Arutz Sheva. None of them any news about it. But meanwhile, my husband turned on the radio and told me that yes, it was true.

I went to the TV and watched, in the same way that I watched on 9/11, helpless. The energy drained from me. I heard the people on TV talking about how quickly they got to the scene, how quickly they rendered assistance, and how quickly all of the injured were taken from the scene. Within 15 minutes, all of the victims were on their way to the hospital.

We had planned to go to Jerusalem tonight. We went.

On the way, traffic coming from Jerusalem on the road that passes by our house was backed up from the checkpoint near us for several miles. Police were at the entrance to Modi’in as we left and we saw police cars and policemen in profusion. We know that our neighbors often enjoy carrying out multiple attacks.

I wondered– is another round of violence in the offing?

We got to Jerusalem and things were normal. It was cool outside. There weren’t a lot of people on the streets, but it was not unlike other weekday evenings.

We had dinner at a quiet restaurant.

We returned home. Our route took us past the scene of the attack. It was cleaned up and people were standing there, waiting for buses.

By the time we got home, we were able to read the statements of world leaders. Some, like the UN Secretary, understood that this was terror, targeting innocent people, and that there was no excuse for it. Others equated the attack on our people with the accidental injuries of people used by terrorists as human shields. But the most cynical accounts were those that cited a bus stop as the target of the attack. I suppose to them, Israelis are not worth mentioning.

This comes in the same week that rockets and mortars targeted our cities causing damage and injuries.

And there still are those who single out Israel as the cause of trouble in the world– who demonstrate against us. boycott us, hate us.

Outrageous!

I am so very very tired of it.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings Tagged With: , ,

I’m an enabler

March 13, 2011 by

OK, I admit it. My husband has a habit and I am the enabler.

I get him his supplies.

I make excuses for why he’s not available.

It’s been going on for years.

It makes him happy.

He says he’ll stop, and I believe him.

His habit: He studies Daf Yomi. Each day he studies a page of Talmud. He’s been doing this for over five years.

I print up his calendars for him so that he doesn’t lose track of which page he’s on. Sometimes I take pictures of the pages of the Talmud and put them on my computer so that when we are on vacation he doesn’t have to carry the heavy volumes along with us and still can study.

When he is studying and people call, I tell them he can’t come to the phone because he is busy.

I support him because this study makes him happy.

And when he does finish,in about a year and a half, I think just as the women whose husbands get Ph.D.s have been known to receive a PHT degree (putting hubby through) I deserve a PHTDY. And I’m guessing there lots more women who also qualify– every one of them enablers.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings Tagged With: ,

Yichiam to Klil

March 6, 2011 by

On Friday, on our way to a lovely weekend at a field school on the coast of Israel near Achziv, we took a hike along with friends of ours on a trail that started at the Crusader Fortress at Yichiam and ended in the ecological village of Klil. We passed lots of other hikers- old and young, Jews and Arabs, all out on a magnificent day.

Because it is already spring in Israel, which one determines by seeing the blooming of the almond trees

we were treated to a very lush experience. Climbing down the mountain we saw this vista

We walked along a dry creek bed, filled with stones.

and we saw beautiful cyclamens,

brilliant anemones,


and even dazzling wild roses.

It was the perfect prelude to a lovely shabbat stay by the sea where we enjoyed the brilliant sun and the clear blue water of the Mediterranean.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings Tagged With: , ,

Time for a rant

March 1, 2011 by

First of all, I believe that people have a right to make choices, so anyone who doesn’t agree with me has every right to his/her opinion and I am not trying to reshape the world in my image.

So here’s what is driving me up the wall…

It’s the increasing separation between the genders that is going on in Judaism. I happen to feel very comfortable with that separation in a synagogue, assuming that the mechitza allows women to feel that they are part of the service, but I really don’t like the growing trend. It started, at least in my mind, with women getting together to study on shabbat at mincha time when the men were at the synagogue. Although there were always women’s organizations, now there are lessons, psalm groups, dramatic presentations, musical plays, etc. for women only to attend.

Here’s my problem: In the olden days when the men used to go out and play poker with their friends or bowling or to lodge activities (like Masons and Lions Club), women resented being such a minor part of their husbands’ lives. Now, women are invited to be out of the house in the evenings and spend their leisure time with other women and, most importantly, without their husbands.

I’m sorry. I married my husband so that we could share life. I don’t enjoy running out and doing every possible thing I can to stay away from him. He is the one I want to spend my life with. But now that has become an impediment to my being part of the community where the norm is to take part in women’s activities.
Climbing Pre Rup in Cambodia with my husband

I do think that women can and should enjoy each other’s company. We share struggles and challenges with each other and help each other in practical ways as well. However, I think it is a mistake to have women’s primary leisure activities being in the company of other women and excluding their husbands. I think it has negative implications for marriage and family life.

Let’s face it, family life is not always a bed of roses. Couples disagree about childrearing, household chores, finances, and a myriad of other things. One ingredient of the glue that keeps them together and happy is that precious leisure time when they can just “be”– when they can enjoy talking with each other or together taking a walk or reading or watching a video or listening to music. Shared experiences build positive feelings. For healthy family life, there need to be a sufficient number on an ongoing basis. Siphoning off a significant amount of time to same gender activities just doesn’t seem healthy.

But that’s just me. Feel free to disagree.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

What if?

February 22, 2011 by

What if the way you acted toward other human beings really mattered. I mean, what if it mattered in that how they thought of you had a direct influence on your health and longevity?

What if when you went to the supermarket and waited in line, you were patient with person ahead of you who was fumbling with his groceries and when he left, you smiled and said goodbye and you greeted the cashier with a smile and pleasant small talk? What if their kind thoughts about you made you healthier? What if they made you feel better?

What if when you were shopping in the mall someone was standing in front of you in the way, you gently asked to pass and when you saw a little child in a stroller you smiled? What if when your old acquaintance spoke to you in excruciating detail about her medical condition you listened? What if the way they felt about you changed your life?

What if you were undercharged at a store and you pointed it out and gave the money back to the cashier, and she was incredulous? What if how she felt about what you did increased your feeling of well-being?

What if the things you do just because you are being the person you want to be– embodying the values you hold ended up making you a healthier and happier person?

Here’s a secret: I think they do.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings, Relationships Tagged With: ,

Sweet!

February 16, 2011 by

We have an apartment that we rent out short term. It had been unoccupied for a week or two. Then we were contacted by someone who needed it for just a few days. A new baby has been born, a first child, a son. The new grandparents were flying in for the brit. Even thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

And so this morning at 6:30, I greeted two very happy, very excited (and probably very tired) people who had just flown in to see their new grandson. I am told that after their short stay here, they will return home and will be here again in another 3 weeks or so for the pidyon haben.

Mazal tov!

Filed Under: Family life, Israel, Parenting, Ramblings Tagged With: , ,
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