Boundaries

Let’s say I take you to a big open field and tell you that I have bought you a gift. Part of the very field we are looking at is to be yours. Your first question would likely be “which part?” I could then say something like, “oh, it’s from around the middle of that clutch of trees to about 30 yards to the right.” You might then ask, “But how far back does it extend?” You want to know the boundaries of your land. Without boundaries, it is not a distinctive entity that you can understand and value. It is just part of an undefined mass of land.

It is the same thing with human beings. Physiologically, we are independent entities. When we emerge from our mothers, we begin breathing on our own and despite our dependence on our parents for food and clothing and shelter and love, we otherwise are able to carry on our physiological tasks unassisted.

However, psychologically and emotionally, we are not separate because cognitively, we do not understand that we are separate beings. An infant does not have the ability to conceive of his or her mother as a separate being. When the baby is folded into the mother’s arms and feeds at her breast, the baby is unaware that two organisms are involved. The baby only feels safe and warm and sated.

It is only as the child grows that he or she begins to see his or her mother is a separate entity. It is at that precise moment that the child really starts to define himself. Now he knows that Mommy has ears and Daddy has ears and that he has ears too. From now on, parents are teachers, advisors, and assistants and sometimes servants too, but they are separate. However, even the young child doesn’t want to take full responsibility for his life, so when he gets into a difficult situation like someone blocking his entrance to the sliding board or another child taking his ball, mother or father is enlisted to solve the problem.

As the child grows, parental intervention should decrease. The more able a child becomes, the less help he needs. Sitting back and watching the child handle things on his own and then signaling approval helps the child feel capable and competent. Rushing in to assist when the child is struggling with something is giving the child a no-confidence vote.

Five year old Julie is building with blocks. She is building a tall tower. It is beginning to wobble a little. Her father is watching. He has several options. He could go over to Julie immediately and show her how to stabilize her tower. He could wait until Julie asks for help. He could encourage Julie to think about how she could solve the problem. He could tell Julie that he knew all along that it wasn’t going to be a stable tower and doesn’t she understand that the way she built it was foolish. Father’s reaction will have a lot to do with how Julie feels about herself. Will she feel competent? loved? valued? supported?

One such incident does not usually change a person’s life, but repeated no-confidence votes, repeated interventions when a child is tackling a problem he is capable of solving, teach the child that he either is incapable of thinking or worse, that he doesn’t have to think—someone will come and do it for him. Worse than making the child feel inadequate, what it often does is blur the child’s boundaries. A person who doesn’t have boundaries doesn’t have a full sense of self. He never feels complete. He is a person who will constantly be looking for others to make himself feel whole. He will cling to others in a needy way, become angry if he feels let down, and will be the first to devalue others for not being all he needs them to be.

In short, the more careful a parent is in establishing healthy boundaries for his child, the happier and more functional the child will be.

Boundaries are established in many ways. Children should be encouraged to learn and accomplish. Their efforts should be recognized. Parents should work with their children in an educative or advisory role, but they should not do the work for them. Children should be encouraged to express their creativity. Their creations are part of what helps them define themselves as individuals.

Rules that are reasonable help the child understand what is permissible and what is not. Within the rules, the child feels safe to express himself and isn’t worried about parents suddenly disapproving of what he is doing for no reason that the child can fathom. If Susie knows that she must come inside when the street lights come on, then she isn’t confused when one day she comes in and she’s too late. There is something that the parent can point to and the rule can be learned and her life can become more predictable.

Think about this: You are taking a course. The professor announces that you must hand in a paper at the next class session. How do you feel? Would you want to know what subject you need to write about? Would you want to know the required length of the paper? Would you ask if you needed to use references? The more you know about the paper, the better equipped you are to write it and the lower is your level of anxiety.

Now imagine a child in a waiting room. The mother says, “Behave nicely.” What does that mean? Can he go and get a book to read? Play with toys that are there? Talk to mom? A better structuring instruction might be, “come and sit on my lap and I will tell you a story,” or “you can go and play with the blocks or other toys.” The better defined the “playing field” is, the safer and more secure the child feels and the more likely he or she is to be able to meet the standards set for him or her.

These safe external boundaries translate into the development of a healthy sense of self in which the child feels confident and safe. The child knows where he begins and ends and he understands that others are there for love and affection and support, but not as auxiliary parts of himself. He learns to be self-reliant and to value the things he accomplishes.

There is much more to say about boundaries, so come back again if you’d like to learn more.