Boundaries 3

Boundaries are inextricably tied to two other concepts: trust and respect.

As the child grows, matures, and becomes more capable and the parent begins to give up control of the child, the child needs to be encouraged to be honest and trustworthy. If the child is respectful of the parent, the parent is more easily able to withdraw control from the child. However, any dishonesty on the part of the child invites the parent to intrude. You might say that the slogan of the parents of a young child is “trust but verify.” If the child is consistently honest, then the verification can be done infrequently, but if a child’s behavior becomes suspicious, then the parent must investigate.

For example, one day, I noticed my then four year old son walking into the house with one of his hands holding a Styrofoam cup and the other covering it. He walked to his room, then, shortly afterwards, walked back outside. In a few minutes, he was walking back with the cup, once again covered by his other hand. He had that “sneaky walk” that children adopt when they are tiptoeing to keep parents from hearing them, but he was aware that I was watching. After several repetitions, I asked him what he was doing. He said, “Nothing.” The next time he went outside, I went into his room and saw no evidence of any objects he could have been carrying into the room. I decided to open his drawers and began with the bottom one. As I opened the drawer, maybe 50 bees began to fly out of it. Just as I was beginning to shoo them out of the open window, my son came in and started yelling, “My bee collection! You ruined it!” He was heartbroken.

It was then I learned that if you are not sure what your child is doing, the best thing to do is to go and investigate. As much as we need to respect our children’s privacy, we also need to know that they are not doing things that are harmful to themselves or others.

In the early years of childhood, children might bring home things that don’t belong to them—from school or from a playmate’s house. Later, as they reach adolescence, they may have drugs or alcohol, and as parents, it is our job to protect them from bad habits and antisocial behavior, even if it means entering their private space.

Once, when one of my sons was about 14, I went into his room to clean. I saw, lying out on a table, a small plastic bag containing white powder. My son was honest and trustworthy, I thought, but I also knew that most parents whose children use drugs are shocked when they find out. I called his school immediately and asked to speak to him. When he got on the phone and I asked about the bag, he seemed puzzled and then he started laughing. It was bicarbonate of soda that he had taken along with him on a bus ride the day before when his stomach was feeling queasy. He thought it was funny that I would suspect him.

It certainly would have been out of character for him to have gotten involved with drugs, and as I learned over the years, it was the farthest thing from his mind, but it was important to verify that he was all right. Had he not been, we could have dealt with the problem before it became worse.

It is a fine line that parents need to walk. We need to respect our children and their boundaries. We need to not get involved in their friendships and schoolwork and other aspects of their lives that they should be able to handle by themselves, yet, we need to be there like smoke detectors, ready at the sign of danger to intervene in appropriate ways.

Part of the respect that we need to maintain for our children has to do with speaking with them directly, with not talking about them and their personal issues with others unless there is a good and sufficient reason.

Occasionally, I see children in my practice who have some important fear, phobia, or behavior that is difficult for them. The children whose parents are helpful and supportive are able to overcome their problem much more easily than those who have been labeled or stigmatized by parents talking too freely to others about it or worse, embarrassing them in front of others.

Children are people under construction. We need to protect them and respect them and we need to know when and where to intervene and when to keep out and keep silent. That is why parenthood is an art and not a science.

More on boundaries in a future article….