Secrets of the Universe Revealed– Teflon Calories

There are lots of things that are true that most people don’t know. If you are like most people, then you have come to the right place because this is the first of several (don’t ask me how many; I have no idea) pieces on secrets of the universe.

Before I go further, I must put in a slight disclaimer: For years I have had clients come to me with all sorts of problems. What many of them reported to me was that there were things I said that helped them. Some of the things I said were truths. Others were thoughts that help people see things in a new way that perhaps is more entertaining, less toxic, and allows for more options. That is the intent of this piece and those that follow. If you take this seriously as diet advice, well, you may need more help than I can give over the computer.

And now to the topic of the day: Teflon calories

As you well know, when a woman eats, she adds calories. These calories conspire to conglomerate on her waist, midriff, stomach and other mentionable and unmentionable areas. Many women (myself included) don’t even need to eat for these calories to gain a foothold. Just the smell can add calories. Walking by a pizza place can make me gain a pound. Walking past any place that makes French fries can yield two pounds. Looking in a bakery window one time cost me five pounds.

However, all is not bleak. There are times when calories become Teflon. No matter how much they may want to stick, they keep falling off. Here are some of those times:

1. You child’s/grandchild’s birthday— It is well-known that birthday cake of a child or grandchild always contains calories that are Teflon for the mother or grandmother. It has to do with a very complicated genetic effect caused by the combination of the child’s blowing out of the candles (let’s not talk about what that does to the cake for the rest of the people) and the mother/grandmother’s DNA. Take it from me. I am related to a very famous geneticist and I am certain she will vouch for me.

2. Food that doesn’t taste good — If you are as polite (or obsessed with food) as I am, you may sometimes eat something that doesn’t taste good. It almost tastes good, but after you eat it, you realize that it didn’t and it really wasn’t worth the calories. Well, I have good news for you: if it didn’t taste good, the calories don’t stick.

3. Food you eat when you are being noble and need some reassurance – also called “comfort food,” usually carbs, the calories don’t stick when you are feeling as if you will take off someone’s head if you don’t have that ice cream right now or if you can’t write one more word of that paper without a serving of mashed potatoes. The bad thing is that the calories only become Teflon in true emergencies. The rest of the time they just pile on and laugh at you as you hope they are ignoring you.

I hope this has helped. Of course now you understand why I am particularly delighted with the birth of every new grandchild…

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  1. silly lady!

  2. Hi! Last night my husband went to a catered shindig for a judge’s retirement. He walked into the house carrying a huge tray of my very favorite desserts – cannolis, cream puffs, fruit tarts- and asked me to put it in the refrigerator in the basement. I told him that unless he wanted a truly obese wife he was to take the tray to work so that the lawyers and legal assistants could get fat- not me. A few minutes ago (before I read your e-mail) it occurred to me that he may have forgotten it and so he had. I ate ONE cream puff and ran upstairs, determined not to gain pounds because of his forgetfullness. Now that I have read your weblog I wonder if those calories have teflon calories too.?? What do you think?

  3. Lori Barstow says

    Out of state (or out of country) calories, as well as those eaten standing up do not count either.

  4. Gail, I am pretty sure that those calories are also Teflon, the reason being that you INTENDED not to eat them and it wasn’t your fault they were in the house. I think you’re OK.