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About anger and healing

October 19, 2007 by

People have an amazing range of behavior. Unlike other animals who act out of instinct, we have the ability not only to to choose among a number of goals but to plan our behavior in an attempt to achieve them.

What surprises me, though, is how often people use this ability to sabotage themselves and actually make life worse for themselves. For example, there are people who choose to be angry for long periods of time– sometimes for their whole life. They may legitimately have been done wrong or they may feel themselves wronged. What they do with the anger and frustration they feel determines what their lives will be like. If they choose to remain angry, they are embarking on a lifetime of unhappiness. They may feel as if their anger is punishing the other person or persons who have wronged them. They may feel justified and righteous about the anger. They may choose to act angry, talk angry, and be angry– all in an attempt to set the record straight. After a while, their anger becomes their close friend, their identity. It feels right- familiar if not comfortable. But, in fact, they are harming themselves and the people they love.

Anger makes people look harsh. It make them age prematurely. It takes away the joy from their lives. It hurts the ones they love the most.

So what is one to do? Well, if there is hurt, then something has to happen to make it go away. If the person who did the hurting did it maliciously, then there really isn’t the possibility of talking it over. So what we need to do as healthy adults is to find a way to let go of the anger. Sometimes physical activity works to dissipate the tension. Sometimes talking with a friend who can be a sounding board is helpful. Sometimes sitting and writing about it helps to get the hurt out. But ultimately, to live a good life, it’s important to let the anger go.

People can choose to have a good life. They can choose to transform negative experiences into growing experiences that sensitize them to others’ hurts and enable them to bring kindness and healing to others.

A number of years ago a young woman, Shoshana Greenbaum, was murdered in the Sbarro’s bombing in Jerusalem. Her husband, Shmuel, has turned his pain into a campaign for kindness. Anger, although fully justified, would have achieved nothing. It would have prolonged his pain. His decision to respond with kindness is allowing him to rebuild his life.

If he could make that decision, can’t the rest of us?

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships

The Tour Guide

October 15, 2007 by

In the old days in the old country we used to have two cars. Sometimes when one had to be serviced, I would forget that I couldn’t take the other one and pick it up. I would often have the image of driving two cars home— magically stretching my one very versatile leg all the way through the doorway of one car into the other and somehow twisting it, enabling me to drive with both feet at the same time. The steering part was a challenge and the measurements were problematic. And so, it did always take two of us to bring home the car.

Well, today I am driving two cars home.

This morning, class begins at the Neve Yerushalayim campus of the University of North Texas, and I will be teaching the first session of the basic counseling skills class to a group of women who will be setting off on their journey to become family therapists. They are likely to arrived excited and curious about what type of experience this will be. As their tour leader, I will tell them what to expect, what they need to bring with them, and what it may feel like to be on this journey.

In the afternoon, I will be meeting with the people who will be going on my next trip to China. They are likely to arrived excited and curious about what type of experience this will be. As their tour leader, I will tell them what to expect, what they need to bring with them, and what it may feel like to be on this journey.

I feel happy and exhilarated. It’s going to be a great day!

Filed Under: China, Ramblings

Enough to go around

October 11, 2007 by

A long time ago I came across the Warm Fuzzy Tale (highly recommended) and it was the first time that I realized that there really is enough love and kindness and good feelings to go around. In fact, the more that one gives away, the more one has. A couple of years after reading the tale, I became aware of the same thing as a lactating mother: the more milk my baby took from me, the more milk I would produce. In the act of giving, I was actually participating the in process of creating even more.

The other day I was talking to one of my daughters. She said to me that she really doesn’t subscribe to the mystical beliefs that many people in Israel seem to share. In Israel many people, both those who would describe themselves as religious and those who wouldn’t, believe in the power of: blessings from certain rabbis, prayer at the graves of righteous people, water blessed by certain rabbis, saying prayers at a specific location (the Western Wall, Rachel’s tomb), buying new mezuzot and/or tfilin, wearing special amulets or wristbands, etc. She told me, however, that she does think that good things she does, in some way will increase the goodness in her environment.

And I would agree.

When I was in driver’s ed class in high school, they showed us a corny movie about driving courtesy (for the Israelis in the audience — no, that is not an oxymoron). It showed someone driving down the street and seeing someone in another car trying to get into the flow of traffic. The first driver smiled and let the second one in. The second driver,when faced with a similar circumstance also smiled and allowed another driver to maneuver past him. One by one, there was a chain created of people being generous and kind to each other. Back when I was contemplating the meaning of life– something that preoccupied me for a period of time– I came to the conclusion that the real meaning in my life was the increasing of goodness in the world. I wanted through my actions, to set off chains of kindness and caring and generosity. And it seems to be true- that for the most part, the more kindness and caring one can give, the more one will receive.

Of course there are people who are bitter and angry and hurtful and malicious, but if we allow them to change our behavior, then we become a part of a cycle that brings increasing negativity to the world. And after all, there really *is* enough kindness and love and caring and gentleness to go around and the seeds we spread can grow and bloom and produce more seeds and more blossoms for us, and our children and our grandchildren.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings, Spirituality

I have a friend

October 8, 2007 by

I was about to entitle this “I had a friend” and then I remembered, that was exactly the point… I HAVE a friend…. but I’ll explain.

A hundred years ago when I was a young mother with four little children- ages 1, 2, 4, and 5.5 I taught Lamaze classes on the Army post where my husband was stationed. It happened by accident. After the birth of our first child by the standard “grin-it-and-bear-it until the saddleblock” method, I realized that I probably could have avoided the saddleblock injection that relieved me of about 5 minutes of pain and left me lying flat for 6 hours to avoid an unbearable headache. So with the next pregnancy, I read a lot of books and went to Lamaze classes and learned coping mechanisms to help me through my next labor. And the next three labors were a lot easier.

We moved from Pittsburgh, where our two youngest (at the time) children were born to the Army post where there were a lot of young families, many of whom were having their first and second and third children. Among these people was a couple who wanted to learn Lamaze and knowing I had taken the course and had had my babies using Lamaze techniques, called me to ask me if I would teach them. I responded that although I had read literally every book there was on childbirth, I had no formal medical background and so didn’t feel comfortable teaching. The husband responded that he was a physician and he would be available for the medical information, and so I consented and taught them. Within a month, two more doctors and their wives came for classes and then yet another and soon the word got around. In a short time I was giving course after course to couples on the post.

And then one day, someone told me that in the nearby town there was a husband and wife who were also giving Lamaze classes. I didn’t know about them until then and my first thought was that they would feel as if I had encroached on their territory. Of course, I was not working for money. Until that point, I taught because I enjoyed it and the couples continued coming. The idea of charging never occured to me. So that probably made it even worse because I was giving away for free what I assumed they were charging for.

But still, I decided to get in touch with them in the hopes that we could find common ground and maybe even help each other.

I dialed the number with trepidation, but after the initial introduction was greeted in the warmest, friendliest manner. Marcia and I must have talked for an hour or more that first time. Within a day or two I went to her house to meet her in person.

Between us developed a friendship like no other. I can describe her with these words: gracious, caring, giving, unselfish, kind, loving. Marcia has always been a truly generous person— and I am not talking about material generosity. I am talking about the ability to be present freely and wholeheartedly in another’s life. She has patience, and grace. Around her, I always knew that everything would be all right.

We left that Army post in 1976. I remember that the parting was painful. I can’t trace our friendship through the years other than a brief encounter on our way to Oklahoma in 1984. But the wonders of email have connected us once again and we once again are sharing our lives.

Yesterday, I wrote her “Whenever I hear from you it reminds me of how much I miss you after all these years. You were a really good friend.” She responded, “What’s this about “WERE”??”

You are, as always, right, Marcia. You ARE a really good friend, a blessing.

Filed Under: Relationships

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October 1, 2007 by

Life is precious. That’s why it’s important to make every day count. That’s also why it’s important to take good care of yourself and those you love. It means driving safely, being aware of safety hazards in the home, keeping dangerous things out of reach of children, eating right, geting enough sleep, taking your prescribed medications, and a hundred other preventive measures.

Often, though, it is the simplest things that we don’t do. Women need to examine their breasts on a regular basis- as frightening as it may be, it is better to panic when finding a lump when it is still small than ignore it until it is big. Women need to be aware too that not all breast cancers begin as lumps. There are any number of other symptoms– some mistaken as mastitis– that may be the first warning of inflammatory breast cancer, a particularly nasty form of cancer.

Please visit this blog written by an incredible woman- and join Team WhyMommy to increase the awareness of this terrible disease- and maybe save your life or that of someone you know. Life is precious.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Like a daughter

September 28, 2007 by

She was like a daughter. The first day we met I thought, “This is going to be easy; she’s so likable; we get along.” And we did.

And over the years we shared lots of happy times and some sad times. She would call and we would talk for a long time on the phone. She would ask my opinion or advice and frequently she valued it and mostly we agreed. It seemed she was like a daughter.

But then some months ago, I noticed the change that had been taking place for a long while. There were signs that I had chosen to see as eccentricities. There were angry words directed at others. She became demanding and petulant. There were periods of time when the calls stopped.

And then it happened. A complete withdrawal. A change in personality from soft and kind to hard and bitter. I tried to find a way back to her, but she blocked every road.

Our lives will not follow a parallel course. She has chosen to become a stranger. And I feel sad– not for me, but for her.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings

Observations

September 25, 2007 by

1. Feeling the cool breeze blowing as I look at my sukka, I am struck with what a privilege it is to live in Israel where building a sukka is not only normal; it’s a national pastime!
2. Thinking about my life, I am awed at all of the opportunities I have had and am thankful for every one of them.
3. Having seen 3 of my 5 children today, I feel incredibly blessed.
4. Having seen both Abigail and Kinneret today, I am struck with how incredibly cute little girls can be (especially when they’re my granddaughters).
5. Having seen Abigail’s big sisters and brother today, I can’t help thinking about what terrific kids they are.

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I remember as a little girl watching the movie “White Christmas” and hearing Bing Crosby sing “Count your blessings.” The song made a very strong impression on me. It was almost my theme song, especially the line that said, “I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads; and one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds.” And now when I picture curly heads, there are about two dozen. Every one is precious. I never taken them for granted.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

YouNeverCall offers $10k for the first mobile call from the moon

September 23, 2007 by

YouNeverCall, the popular online cell phone superstore, today announced a $10,000 prize award for the first cell phone call placed from the moon. This announcement follows on the coattails of Google’s announcement of $20M in prize money for landing a craft on the moon by Dec. 31, 2014. (See the article here.)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

A plea for support

September 20, 2007 by

Today I am going to write about problems in my life so that all of my many readers (most of whom want to sell drugs and get me interested in foreign currency trade) will be filled with compassion for poor suffering me.

Well, to start out with, yesterday when I got up, I couldn’t find my glasses anywhere. I mean what could be worse? I did have another pair, but they were not nearly as attractive and didn’t match my outfit nearly as well.

Then, I had to drive in terrible traffic. There were hundreds of police on the streets of Jerusalem making sure that Condoleeza Rice would have a safe and expedient journey, but none to clear the streets for me. Imagine that!

Worse yet, when I got home, I needed to heat dinner. I understand that the leftover chicken, roast, and kugel were tasty, but they didn’t volunteer to leave the fridge for the stove on their own…

Life is very difficult and I sincerely need support.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings

Choices

September 17, 2007 by

It occurs to me that during this penitential period, we Jews are asking G-d to make some choices. We implore Him to have mercy on us and our children and we ask Him to remember us and give us health in the coming year. This implies that there is order to the universe- that things are not random or predetermined, but that there are elements of choice.

But how often in our daily lives do we hear people talking as if there is no ability to choose. How many times have you heard people say, “I just had to do it” or “I couldn’t help myself”? Worse yet, how many times have I heard in my office, “I just don’t love him anymore”?

When I tell my clients that love is a choice, they usually look at me with the same level of comprehension as if I were speaking Chinese. “What!” they say. “Love is something that happens to you.” Actually, no. It is not. Infatuation is something that happens to you. It usually happens in concert with a dose of pheromones, a sense of loneliness, a need to be loved, and sometimes a little too much alcohol.

In many cases, infatuation turns to love. But what is the mechanism? Well, I believe that mechanism is a conscious decision to put the other person in the center of one’s mind and heart. It is a commitment to care for that other person, to want to make that other person happy, to want to share one’s life with that person. It is not a magical force field that descends on someone. It is a choice.

Let’s look at some proof of that. If you were raised with a religion or ethnicity that is important to you, even though you might meet/have met wonderful, beautiful, clever, intelligent people of another religion or ethnicity, chances are, you did not let yourself “fall in love” with them. You may even have said to yourself, “He/she is really nice; too bad he/she isn’t [fill in the blank] because otherwise, I might really be interested in him/her”

Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, when one marries “out,” it is because of a choice too.

So when people say to me “I just don’t love him anymore”, I say, “You have chosen not to love him anymore.” In the recent film, “The Painted Veil,” the wife disdains her husband until she sees him through others’ eyes. Only then does she realize that all along he was a good and kind man. She at first had chosen not to love him and later on, chose to love him. When she made that choice, she began to see how kind and caring he was. She was able to appreciate him. Before the choice, he was the same man, but her feelings for him were very different.

It is like that in marriage. The person we are married to is not perfect. If we choose to see the negatives, he/she will supply us with many opportunities. If we choose to see the kindness and the caring and the love they feel for us, that is what we will see.

Similarly, with children, we often make decisions early in their lives as to which ones are the winners and which ones are the losers. Sometimes all I do when people come to me with “problem” children is help them to see their children as winners. When parents believe in a child, he/she can grow and develop into a winner. When parents give up on a child, the child gives up on him/herself.

People have choices. Will they value the other people in their lives or will they not? Will they interpret the other’s shortcomings as human and normal or will they blame and punish? Will they choose to be kind and loving or will they choose to be judgmental and rigid?

People hold the keys to their own happiness and to the happiness of those around them. The choice is theirs.

As we pray for G-d to make the right choices, may we too make the right ones.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Spirituality
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