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I met a woman

November 15, 2007 by

I met a woman. I can’t tell you too much about her because she deserves her privacy, but trust me, this woman has been through heart-wrenching, excruciating, cutting, crushing pain in her life.

I found this out only after I had known her for a while.

Before that I thought of her as a sunny, loving, kind, caring person. She exuded warmth and that special inner beauty of hers was evident in everything she said and did.

That’s how I used to think of her.

But now that I know her story, I know that she is miraculous. I think of her as a hero.

I see so many people whose lives are objectively fine. Their husband/wife is too hard/too easy on the children. They don’t feel appreciated enough. They don’t get enough help around the house or their spouse expects too much of them. Some of these people make themselves miserable. They whine and moan, not just in therapy (where I get paid to listen) but to their friends and relatives and neighbors and children setting off time bombs that will erupt into divorce.

I want to introduce them to my miraculous woman…. because she knows how to value each joyful experience each kindness, each day.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings

Lies

October 24, 2007 by

There are a few things that are, for me, principles of parenting that should not be violated. One of them is that parents should not lie to their children.

To me, it seems like a “no-brainer.” Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, they cannot feel safe and secure. That means that they should be able to trust the things that we tell them. Therefore, except in rare, extreme situations, we should be very careful to tell them the truth.

So it came as a shock to me that today I heard of two instances where the parents lied to their children. They lied when there was no good reason to lie. One lied because it was easier for her than explaining things to her children and the second lied because she wanted to say what she needed to say to calm her daughter down.

In the case of the first mother, her lie will become clear when the family is invited to the wedding of their uncle and his “wife” who, their mom told them, were already married. The children will find out. It’s a sure thing. And then what will they think of their mother?

The second case, though is much more toxic. In this case, the teenage daughter had feelings of not being respected and not being taken seriously. She had good reason not to trust her mother who had failed to protect her in the past. She pleaded with me to ask her mother to honor a very reasonable request she had made of her. I did so. The mother told me that she would comply with her daughter’s request. I spoke with the daughter and told her that her mother had agreed. Today, three days later, the mother called in a panic. The daughter had become very angry and upset. In the course of explaining what had gone on in the last couple of days, the mother spoke of having twice done what her daughter asked her not to do. The mother had called me to ask me to speak with her daughter. I said to her, “What about the promise you made to her?” She said, “I never promised.” I said, “You told ME that you would comply!” She said, “Well, that was for THAT day.” I told her that now that I had no credibility with her daughter since she had lied to me and I had vouched for her, she needs to find someone who will have credibility to help the daughter.

I think that what I did may have shocked the mother, but I needed to shock her because she has denied her daughter the most important gift we give our children, security. If a parent is not reliable, if a parent lies, if a parent pretends to respect the child and doesn’t, then the child will lack the security he or she needs to grow up whole and healthy.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships

About anger and healing

October 19, 2007 by

People have an amazing range of behavior. Unlike other animals who act out of instinct, we have the ability not only to to choose among a number of goals but to plan our behavior in an attempt to achieve them.

What surprises me, though, is how often people use this ability to sabotage themselves and actually make life worse for themselves. For example, there are people who choose to be angry for long periods of time– sometimes for their whole life. They may legitimately have been done wrong or they may feel themselves wronged. What they do with the anger and frustration they feel determines what their lives will be like. If they choose to remain angry, they are embarking on a lifetime of unhappiness. They may feel as if their anger is punishing the other person or persons who have wronged them. They may feel justified and righteous about the anger. They may choose to act angry, talk angry, and be angry– all in an attempt to set the record straight. After a while, their anger becomes their close friend, their identity. It feels right- familiar if not comfortable. But, in fact, they are harming themselves and the people they love.

Anger makes people look harsh. It make them age prematurely. It takes away the joy from their lives. It hurts the ones they love the most.

So what is one to do? Well, if there is hurt, then something has to happen to make it go away. If the person who did the hurting did it maliciously, then there really isn’t the possibility of talking it over. So what we need to do as healthy adults is to find a way to let go of the anger. Sometimes physical activity works to dissipate the tension. Sometimes talking with a friend who can be a sounding board is helpful. Sometimes sitting and writing about it helps to get the hurt out. But ultimately, to live a good life, it’s important to let the anger go.

People can choose to have a good life. They can choose to transform negative experiences into growing experiences that sensitize them to others’ hurts and enable them to bring kindness and healing to others.

A number of years ago a young woman, Shoshana Greenbaum, was murdered in the Sbarro’s bombing in Jerusalem. Her husband, Shmuel, has turned his pain into a campaign for kindness. Anger, although fully justified, would have achieved nothing. It would have prolonged his pain. His decision to respond with kindness is allowing him to rebuild his life.

If he could make that decision, can’t the rest of us?

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships

Enough to go around

October 11, 2007 by

A long time ago I came across the Warm Fuzzy Tale (highly recommended) and it was the first time that I realized that there really is enough love and kindness and good feelings to go around. In fact, the more that one gives away, the more one has. A couple of years after reading the tale, I became aware of the same thing as a lactating mother: the more milk my baby took from me, the more milk I would produce. In the act of giving, I was actually participating the in process of creating even more.

The other day I was talking to one of my daughters. She said to me that she really doesn’t subscribe to the mystical beliefs that many people in Israel seem to share. In Israel many people, both those who would describe themselves as religious and those who wouldn’t, believe in the power of: blessings from certain rabbis, prayer at the graves of righteous people, water blessed by certain rabbis, saying prayers at a specific location (the Western Wall, Rachel’s tomb), buying new mezuzot and/or tfilin, wearing special amulets or wristbands, etc. She told me, however, that she does think that good things she does, in some way will increase the goodness in her environment.

And I would agree.

When I was in driver’s ed class in high school, they showed us a corny movie about driving courtesy (for the Israelis in the audience — no, that is not an oxymoron). It showed someone driving down the street and seeing someone in another car trying to get into the flow of traffic. The first driver smiled and let the second one in. The second driver,when faced with a similar circumstance also smiled and allowed another driver to maneuver past him. One by one, there was a chain created of people being generous and kind to each other. Back when I was contemplating the meaning of life– something that preoccupied me for a period of time– I came to the conclusion that the real meaning in my life was the increasing of goodness in the world. I wanted through my actions, to set off chains of kindness and caring and generosity. And it seems to be true- that for the most part, the more kindness and caring one can give, the more one will receive.

Of course there are people who are bitter and angry and hurtful and malicious, but if we allow them to change our behavior, then we become a part of a cycle that brings increasing negativity to the world. And after all, there really *is* enough kindness and love and caring and gentleness to go around and the seeds we spread can grow and bloom and produce more seeds and more blossoms for us, and our children and our grandchildren.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings, Spirituality

Like a daughter

September 28, 2007 by

She was like a daughter. The first day we met I thought, “This is going to be easy; she’s so likable; we get along.” And we did.

And over the years we shared lots of happy times and some sad times. She would call and we would talk for a long time on the phone. She would ask my opinion or advice and frequently she valued it and mostly we agreed. It seemed she was like a daughter.

But then some months ago, I noticed the change that had been taking place for a long while. There were signs that I had chosen to see as eccentricities. There were angry words directed at others. She became demanding and petulant. There were periods of time when the calls stopped.

And then it happened. A complete withdrawal. A change in personality from soft and kind to hard and bitter. I tried to find a way back to her, but she blocked every road.

Our lives will not follow a parallel course. She has chosen to become a stranger. And I feel sad– not for me, but for her.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings

A plea for support

September 20, 2007 by

Today I am going to write about problems in my life so that all of my many readers (most of whom want to sell drugs and get me interested in foreign currency trade) will be filled with compassion for poor suffering me.

Well, to start out with, yesterday when I got up, I couldn’t find my glasses anywhere. I mean what could be worse? I did have another pair, but they were not nearly as attractive and didn’t match my outfit nearly as well.

Then, I had to drive in terrible traffic. There were hundreds of police on the streets of Jerusalem making sure that Condoleeza Rice would have a safe and expedient journey, but none to clear the streets for me. Imagine that!

Worse yet, when I got home, I needed to heat dinner. I understand that the leftover chicken, roast, and kugel were tasty, but they didn’t volunteer to leave the fridge for the stove on their own…

Life is very difficult and I sincerely need support.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings

Choices

September 17, 2007 by

It occurs to me that during this penitential period, we Jews are asking G-d to make some choices. We implore Him to have mercy on us and our children and we ask Him to remember us and give us health in the coming year. This implies that there is order to the universe- that things are not random or predetermined, but that there are elements of choice.

But how often in our daily lives do we hear people talking as if there is no ability to choose. How many times have you heard people say, “I just had to do it” or “I couldn’t help myself”? Worse yet, how many times have I heard in my office, “I just don’t love him anymore”?

When I tell my clients that love is a choice, they usually look at me with the same level of comprehension as if I were speaking Chinese. “What!” they say. “Love is something that happens to you.” Actually, no. It is not. Infatuation is something that happens to you. It usually happens in concert with a dose of pheromones, a sense of loneliness, a need to be loved, and sometimes a little too much alcohol.

In many cases, infatuation turns to love. But what is the mechanism? Well, I believe that mechanism is a conscious decision to put the other person in the center of one’s mind and heart. It is a commitment to care for that other person, to want to make that other person happy, to want to share one’s life with that person. It is not a magical force field that descends on someone. It is a choice.

Let’s look at some proof of that. If you were raised with a religion or ethnicity that is important to you, even though you might meet/have met wonderful, beautiful, clever, intelligent people of another religion or ethnicity, chances are, you did not let yourself “fall in love” with them. You may even have said to yourself, “He/she is really nice; too bad he/she isn’t [fill in the blank] because otherwise, I might really be interested in him/her”

Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, when one marries “out,” it is because of a choice too.

So when people say to me “I just don’t love him anymore”, I say, “You have chosen not to love him anymore.” In the recent film, “The Painted Veil,” the wife disdains her husband until she sees him through others’ eyes. Only then does she realize that all along he was a good and kind man. She at first had chosen not to love him and later on, chose to love him. When she made that choice, she began to see how kind and caring he was. She was able to appreciate him. Before the choice, he was the same man, but her feelings for him were very different.

It is like that in marriage. The person we are married to is not perfect. If we choose to see the negatives, he/she will supply us with many opportunities. If we choose to see the kindness and the caring and the love they feel for us, that is what we will see.

Similarly, with children, we often make decisions early in their lives as to which ones are the winners and which ones are the losers. Sometimes all I do when people come to me with “problem” children is help them to see their children as winners. When parents believe in a child, he/she can grow and develop into a winner. When parents give up on a child, the child gives up on him/herself.

People have choices. Will they value the other people in their lives or will they not? Will they interpret the other’s shortcomings as human and normal or will they blame and punish? Will they choose to be kind and loving or will they choose to be judgmental and rigid?

People hold the keys to their own happiness and to the happiness of those around them. The choice is theirs.

As we pray for G-d to make the right choices, may we too make the right ones.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Spirituality

Xmas in July

July 9, 2007 by

We get US TV programs late in Israel. Not all of them. However, when it is a series that is broadcast here in the daytime, chances are that people in the US saw it quite a while ago. And that is why today while I was sweating on the stationery bike at the local health club, I saw Dr. Phil’s Xmas show (part 2 of 3) from 2005. Yes, you got that right. We had Xmas on the 8th of July in Modi’in.

Everything from here on in, as you may have guessed, is old news. For you. For me, it was quite a revelation.

On this show, they were distributing toys and other play equipment to children who had been involved in Hurricane Katrina. Since I arrived in the middle of the show, I saw only the following: Dr. Phil and Robin distributing to the children ALL of the toys on the gift list that each child drew up for him/herself; an announcement that all of the children would be going to Disneyland; and their opening a gate behind which were a myriad of additional toys (including a laptop computer, electric cars, bicycles, etc.) that every child would get.

I saw the children grow more and more excited. I saw the parents with tears in their eyes. I stared incredulously.

I think I am no longer part of American culture. I found the over-the-top commercialism of it all sickening. I saw people in ecstacy over material goods. I saw people blessing Dr. Phil for being a true humanitarian. I couldn’t believe it.

What were they doing for these children? Were they replacing a loved toy lost in the flooding? a favorite book? or were they drowning out the child’s feelings of loss and sadness by overlaying a material goods ecstasy? Were they saying to these children, “here, now you can’t feel loss and pain any more because you now can fill yourself with all of these things.” Is the way to happiness and fulfillment through thousands of dollars of gadgets and toys? What about Dr. Phil’s advice to parents of children in crisis situations he gave on the very same show, “Keep a child’s world consistent; have consistent rules, expectations, bedtimes…” Is that what this was? Was there any sense of proportion to all of it?

And what did this show teach America?

It’s interesting to me. Israel has become more and more westernized during the time I have been here. To some extent its values have changed, but here, when faced with very similar circumstances (last summer’s Lebanon war when citizens of the north had to flee their homes for safety) the benefactor who took on the job of caring for the families provided air conditioned tents and showers, wholesome food, laundry services, entertainment and movies, classes and activities for adults and children. In addition, the refugees also received health services and psychological counseling.

And that seemed right.

It makes me wonder. Did people in the US seeing that show have the same reaction that I did? Or am I living in a culture that is really very different?

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Israel

Post 60s Marriage

June 27, 2007 by

It’s a little sad that the sixties still have a hold on us. In the sixties, we learned that the most important person in our lives was ourself and “if it feels good, do it.”

It seemed sensible to some people at the time. It seemed particularly sensible to college students who were discovering themselves. It seemed sensible to people who liked having a good time and didn’t want to take on responsibilities.

But it was bad. What it did was legitimize our becoming egocentric. It made it OK to say “me first.”

Which might work… when it comes to achieving in certain fields or when pushing oneself to excellence, but it doesn’t work in human relations and surely not when one is a husband or wife.

Because the secret of a good marriage is putting your spouse first—saying and doing things that will make him or her happy, listening even when you are bored or tired, doing things in the house even when you are falling off your feet, being kind and respectful, taking walks together even when you have no desire or energy and continuing to smile and be pleasant even when you wouldn’t have chosen the shared activity.

Not fair? Of course not. When I talk to couples about the tasks in marriage, I tell them that each of them has to give 100%. Marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. It is simply too complex to be left to each one hoping the other will pick up the slack. Each member needs to do it all—to give and give and give and give and not to imagine ever receiving.

“What’s in it for me?” you ask. A spouse who feels important and loved will be a real partner,and together both of you working very hard can create a bond the provides warmth and support and love for the rest of your life.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

SPANKING??????

June 20, 2007 by

Someone got to my blog by searching for therapies that involve therapists spanking their clients. It’s hard to believe that we have come to the point where someone would even ask the question. There are a lot of people out there who call themselves therapists. They have no training except what they “learned from life” or “came to on [their] own.” They use all sorts of tricks to “help” people. Some pray, others offer themselves as sexual surrogates, some communicate with the dead.

For me, it is particularly sad when I realize that the people who frequent these unlicensed, uneducated therapists are people who are the most desperate for help. They will look for answers anywhere and accept all sorts of claims.

If all these charlatans did was to waste people’s time and money, even that would not be so tragic, but what they do is to destroy people’s trust. They can traumatize them to the point that they are unable to be helped in the future. They can do an enormous amount of harm precisely because the clients are naïve and trusting. Once a victim of these people, the clients are not likely to seek help again.

So the answer is NO. There is no recognized therapy where the therapist spanks his/her clients. In fact, there is no recognized therapy in which a therapist has any intimate contact or negative interactions with his/her client. If you are seeking help, go to someone who has legitimate credentials. You are literally putting your life in his/her hands!

Filed Under: Emotional health
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