Loyalty

My first awareness of the Holocaust was, probably like most children who grew up in the 50s, the story of Anne Frank. I didn’t even need to read her diary; the story was being told everywhere—in school, at home, on television. What I understood was that Anne, a girl like me, had had the misfortune to live in the wrong place at the wrong time and had died all too young as a result of the evil perpetrated by the Nazis.

The story touched me on a very deep level. I had lived while she had died. She had deserved to live as much as I had, but I was alive and she was not. And therefore, in some way, I had to make it up to her. I had to fulfill the wishes and hopes she might have had. I had to do all of the good that Anne and other girls like her had not been able to do themselves. I owed it to them. I owed it to their memories.

It was a burden, however, it was necessary. And it didn’t feel like a burden that could be shared with other Jewish girls my age. It felt like a personal obligation that I myself had to fulfill.

As time went on, I took on more obligations. I felt obligated to make my parents and grandparents proud of me. My maternal grandmother became so close to me that her suggesting that Hebrew school was important was enough to make me continue on through Hebrew college long after she passed away. It was to honor her and to pay her back for the warmth and love she showed me. I adopted the obligation toward my maternal great-grandmother, a woman for whom I was named and about whom I know very little. I learned that she was hospitable and it was to her that all of the new immigrant relatives would come when they reached the US. They would stay with her until they found themselves employment and homes. And so being hospitable was a way of paying back my obligation to this woman I had never met, but who gave birth to my grandmother who bore my mother to whom I owe loyalty as well.

So it comes with such pain to me when I see young people throwing aside their ties with their past. It pains me not only in a cosmic sense in which kindnesses of the past deserve loyalty in the present, but it pains me because what they throw away is precisely what helps to make life significant.

Many years ago, I took a course called “General Semantics.” Our professor spoke of the major difference between humans and animals being that people are “effective time-binders”—that we are able to transmit experience from one person and from one generation to another. When people reject the good that has come before them, are they not diminishing themselves as humans? Isn’t preserving what was best in those who came before us not only the just and right and good thing to do, but exactly what makes life significant and helps us find meaning in a seemingly random world?

I wonder.

From the trenches…

After I posted my last article, “Friendly Persuasion,” I received a comment from my son Ben. Not only is it well written and well reasoned, but he is down there in the trenches now… raising with his wife 6 fabulous children. His comment follows my posting. It’s worth reading.

Friendly Persuasion

One of the hardest things about being a mother was, for me, the fact that my children would argue with each other. These were often not calm disagreements, rather interchanges that escalated in tone and volume until finally I would have to intervene to save my own sanity. Sometimes I would send the children to their rooms. Sometimes I would send them outside. Sometimes we would discuss what was happening and try to problem solve by clarifying who did what and how some resolution could come about. What I didn’t do was give them any clues as to how to resolve disputes in a more productive way,

What I should have done is to sit individually with them and ask them to tell me how they saw the situation and then how they thought their sibling saw it. If they were unable to supply the sibling’s point of view, I should have tried to guess what it was and then ask the child to rephrase it to ensure that the child had heard and understood. Next, I should have asked the child to try and think of what he or she could have done differently in light of what their sibling was thinking and feeling. Could he or she have found some common ground, a compromise, a trade-off?

I should have taught my children that the least likely way to get what you want is by name-calling, yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, and threats. I should have taught them that a smile, a nod, a real concern for the other and their point of view all go a long way toward resolving a conflict. I should have taught them to find out what the other one really wanted and to see if there was a way that both of them could get what they wanted. I should have taught them that respecting the other person is a prerequisite for coming to a satisfactory resolution. I should have done that not only for my sanity’s sake, but to help facilitate their effectiveness as adults.

I like to think that they learned those skills in part by watching what their parents did. Sometimes, if we are lucky, the message gets through even if we are not consciously transmitting it. However, with all of the anger and pain and violence in the world, actively teaching children the art of conflict resolution might just be a priority.

I Remember Mama

When we say yizkor and remember our deceased relatives, I always find it important to think of my parents and my relationship with them. Some times I focus on the good times and sometimes I think about what I wish might have been. Sometimes I feel bad about the missed opportunities that were, and, more frequently, of what they are missing now.

However this time I had a very different experience. Although my mother and I were not as close as we could have been and although she often did not understand the decisions I made, it suddenly struck me that I was, to a great extent, living a life based on things that she taught me, things that she found important.

For example, my mother had a sense of what was appropriate—in behavior, in dress, in speech. I realized that to a very great extent, I have adopted those standards as my own. My mother taught me to be polite and to not be self-promoting and those too are things I try to remember. She valued education and family. Certainly I share that with her.

So it came to me that despite all of the negatives in our interactions, she was an effective teacher. Not only did I learn what she taught me, but I value it and there is a small feeling of satisfaction in acting as she might want me to act.

Someone once wrote that mothers have no idea of the strength of the impact they have on their children. I suppose that is so. But I am willing to bet that in many cases neither the mother nor the children are aware of how strong the messages mothers give are and how much children take them to heart.

note: title refers to 1950s TV show http://www.fiftiesweb.com/tv/i-remember-mama.htm

Picture Perfect

Today we took a bus tour around Budapest. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to take pictures. I was something of a fiend when I used to take pictures in with a regular SLR. Family pictures always consisted of multiple pictures of the same subject. Trips would cost almost double when you factored in the printing of pictures. But now I am using a digital camera and there is no limit to the number of electrons I can use– and I do enjoy using them!

As we drove around today seeing beautiful sights, I would take out my camera and point it at something that I found beautiful. Sometimes I would want to frame the shot, allow it to be seen in context, next to other scenery: adjacent to a garden, a flower pot, a field, or a river. Usually I would find myself moving back, getting farther away so that I could see it better, understand it more, appreciate it in its wholeness. Sometimes I would wait until people left the foreground, wanting to get its essence without external interference, to appreciate its simplicity and uniqueness.

I began to think about how usually we do the opposite. When we want to really understand something we move in very close, look at all of the details, but often when we do that we lose the context, the completeness, the simplicity, indeed, the uniqueness. Getting in too close may expose the natural flaws that contribute to the uniqueness of the object or person, may lead us to see the irregularities as negative instead of special.

As a therapist, I often urge people to get closer to understand each other better. But there is also something to be said in favor of taking a step back from time to time and seeing things from a distance– framing as one would do with a picture.

We remember them all

They are so beautiful. I see them on the television today. One after another. Little boys and girls, teens, men, and women. They lived only a few short years. They died before they grew up, before they had a chance to marry, before their children were old enough to leave home. They were like the branches on a blossoming tree, cut off in full bloom, never allowed to bear fruit.

They leave mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, whose lives are lived in the shadow of pain, never really believing that their loved ones will not return to them, hoping that this is some cosmic mistake that will be corrected.

They died defending their people, their land from those who desire our destruction. Many died only because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time when some homicidal maniac decided that blowing up the innocent was a way into heaven.

Today we remember them all. In pictures and films we see their smiles, their laughter, and the warmth and affection they shared with those they loved. We embrace their loved ones and we pray that our enemies will begin to place more value on their own lives than on hating and destroying others.

For more about today, see trilcat.blogspot.com

Changing minds

I recently had a client who was determined to change his wife’s mind about something that he disagreed with. He was frustrated and upset that she wouldn’t “listen to reason.” He had explained to her how ridiculous her point of view was. He had told her that her thoughts and beliefs defied logic. Somehow, all of that had failed to convince her.

How is it that people change their minds?

Interestingly enough, the answer is embedded in the question. People, over time, develop thought and beliefs that are based on their experience, knowledge, and interactions with others. Once formed, those thoughts and beliefs become part of the person. They help him or her define who he/she is. As long as those thoughts and beliefs enable him/her to go about life in a reasonably good way, they remain unquestioned and firm.

However, when these thoughts and beliefs are challenged or questioned, a person must then either examine them or defend them. For most people, these thoughts and beliefs are so much part of them that questioning them would require a major internal reorganization. So what they do is to defend them. If the person came to these thoughts and beliefs in a reasoned way, then he/she will have a logical argument or facts to back up his/her point of view. If they were formed because of experiences, then he/she may have personal examples he/she can cite that make the thoughts and beliefs seem valid and reasonable.

However, if, upon examination, the person finds that his/her facts were wrong or the conclusions he/she drew were not well founded, then he or she can change his/her mind.

And therein lies the challenge. Because when we have formulated thoughts and beliefs that have become part of ourselves, it is very hard to give them up, even when we may understand that they are not well thought out or valid any longer. Coming to a different point requires quite literally, a change of mind. All of the neural pathways that we have been reinforcing for a long period of time now need to be changed. Now, A no longer leads to B, it leads to C, and that is difficult to hold onto when it has led to B for so long.

In many cases people really resist change. They say things like “that’s the way I am” and “I have always disliked (fill in the blank) and I always will” and despite facts to the contrary, they will maintain their old thoughts and beliefs.

For people who like to influence others, it is important to know a few things:

1. Change of thoughts and beliefs takes time. People do not change overnight and certainly not as the result of one discussion, no matter how hot and heavy. You can wear someone down, but that doesn’t mean you’ve changed his/her mind. Change is a process that goes on internally and pushing from the outside does not hurry the inside.

2. The more one badgers the other, the less likely the other is to consider the facts and arguments on the other side. When badgered and nagged, people generally will try all the harder to hold onto what they believe. Generally it will cause the other to solidify his/her opposition to the new idea. At that point it becomes a struggle for his/her identity and integrity as a person.

3. Arguing beyond a certain point may yield what looks like victory, but in the end, the other will either return to opposition later or passive aggressively oppose the other side.

How to be effective:

Trust that the other person is a healthy, intelligent person and that he/she is capable of thinking for him/herself and that if he/she is given information, he/she will examine it and decide what to do with it.

Give the person the time and space to consider things. Understand that relationships are not about how wins and who loses, who converts who to their point of view. Relationships are about mutual respect, so be respectful.

Be patient.

And most of all, understand that you yourself might sometimes need to rethink your own thoughts and beliefs.

Jumping in with both feet

When one of my sons was in nursery school, the teacher came up with an original idea for a mother’s day gift. She filled several dishpans with paint and she asked the four year olds to take off their shoes and socks and then step into a dishpan so that with their paint covered feet they could make footprints on the large pieces of paper she had laid out on the ground. As she recounted the experience to me later that day, one by one the children refused to step into the dishpans. They thought they would get their feet dirty. They thought their mother would be angry. They thought the feel of paint on their feet would be yucky. They simply refused. Until she came to my son. She told me that when it came his turn, he quite literally jumped in with both feet.

Well, to tell the truth, he was always that sort of child. He never did anything halfway. When he was angry, he was angry, and when he was happy, his little face glowed. When he was being sneaky, it was as if his ears grew into little points. The child was simply fully present in his own life. There was no reserve, no holding back, and although sometimes his enthusiasm overwhelmed me, he seemed to make the most of every experience.

I thought of him as I have been watching our newest family member make his transition into the family. Two years ago, our older daughter’s husband came into the family in such a natural way, that it almost seems as if he has always been one of us. He put time and energy into getting to know our daughter’s children and establishing a close relationship with each one. He is loved and respected by all of his new extended family. Since then, five new babies have been born! It must have been daunting for our new son-in-law to suddenly be faced with 21 nieces and nephews! I can’t even imagine how he will learn all of the names. But, to my delight, he has jumped in with both feet– talking with, playing with, and spending time with the children, really getting to know them. At the wedding, many of the nieces and nephews sang a song to their “Aunt Leah” that included a welcome to “Uncle Yaakov.” All of us are happy to welcome him to the family!

(note: for those interested in seeing the family, most of us are on a picture associated with an earlier entry “The Wedding.” For more family pictures, you can go to: http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AYs2rJi2csIc

Happy Pesach!

I was thinking the other day about how nice computers are. They really serve so many purposes. They keep us in touch with people who are far away. They bring us news and information on demand, and they help us to organize things in our life.

However, after today, I am not so sure. Actually, I first became overwhelmed with the possibilities when I returned from China with my 1100 pictures and endeavored to put them in some logical order to show to others. Fortunately, the pictures were taken in order and therefore the digital camera numbered them consecutively, but when one of my children said, “Why don’t you just pick out 100 of the best?” I was not able to do it.

So today I brought home the pictures and CDs of my daughter’s wedding. In addition to the several hundred pictures taken by a friend of the family, we now have an additional 288 pictures. Well, first I had to copy the CDs. Then I had to take each file, open it, and then copy and paste all of the pictures onto my desktop computer. Once all of that was done, I had to download all of the pictures onto my laptop through the LAN. And now I really have to organize the pictures which for some reason are NOT in chronological order! Of course that means interspersing them with the other pictures of the wedding that we already have. I think it was easier when we brought home a stack of photos from the drugstore. We’d look through them and then throw them in a drawer. With film, we would limit the number of pictures we’d take. But digital cameras have made a virtue of excess.

Of course the pictures are beautiful. Everyone looks beautiful and everyone looks happy.

And now I return to the real world… where tomorrow is the day.

Every year as I gear up for Pesach, there is a sequence I follow. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that tomorrow is the day that the fridge gets relined, the perishable items get bought, the dishes all go into the dishwasher for storage for the duration of the holiday, the counters and shelves get lined, the toaster and blender get exiled, and finally finally the counters get covered.

Then the Passover dishes will emerge and a certain lightness will enter my heart as the joy of the holiday supersedes all of the work that was necessary to prepare for it. And then will come the pleasure of cooking and baking and making the house look pretty for the guests. I happily anticipate the smiling faces who will join us this year: three of our children, their spouses, seven of the grandchildren, and my sister. A happy holiday to all!

Family happy-nings

The week of rejoicing is over. What a week it was!

In the midst of all of the excitement over our younger daughter’s wedding, (you can read it from Leah’s point of view on trilcat.blogspot.com/ ) we had a double celebration over shabbat when along with the family sheva brachot, which our whole family attended, we celebrated the naming of our daughter’s new baby, Naomi Hallel. You can read about her birth at Rachel’s blog fertilitystories.com

One of our sons reminded us that we are told not to impose one happy occasion upon another, so that one would not schedule a double wedding or two other happy occasions for the same day, however, he said, sometimes, they schedule themselves. As the father of two sets of twins, he knew what that was like as his blessings often come in twos. However, he said that when the happy occasions schedule themselves together, we gratefully celebrate them together. He wished us all many more instances of shared happy occasions.

And now to the Passover cleaning!