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Training parents– Part 2

September 22, 2006 by

Visiting time boundaries

Fictional Donna and David have been working the last two days to enforce phone boundaries. It is difficult. Donna’s mother always has “one more thing” to say before she hangs up. Donna is working at a quick, “Well, I’ve got to go now, goodbye” hangup before her mother goes on to the next topic. David has less difficulty telling Donna’s parents that Donna is busy now and that he has a lot he needs to get done. David realizes that if he just changes his language, things go easier. If he tells Donna’s parents he “would like to” or “should” get something done, they continue talking. If he says that he “needs to” do something, they wind down a bit and he’s able to do the quickie, “thanks for calling, bye.” So they are seeing a bit of progress in their handling of her parents’ intrusions.

In general, now that Donna is beginning to see the problem as a boundary problem rather than something wrong with her parents or with her, she is less defensive and she sees that she and David are on the same side.

The next task they have is to teach Donna’s parents that there are boundaries on their visiting. That isn’t to say that Donna’s parents aren’t welcome. In fact, they can be delightful with the children and of course Donna has a great deal of affection for them. What they don’t want is for her parents’ controlling behavior to get in the way of the possibility of pleasant times together.

They have noticed a few conditions that seem to accompany negative interactions:

1. There are times when Donna’s parents just show up. They come in and expect Donna to drop everything to talk with them. Donna’s mother invariably comments that the house is “a mess.”

2. It seems that the longer they stay, the more controlling they become.

3. There are certain subjects that seem to set them off.

4. There are reactions that seem to make them become even more emphatic

With those in mind, let’s see what Donna and David can do.

The first thing is that they can tell Donna’s parents that they would really appreciate a call from them when they are thinking of visiting. That would allow Donna to let them know if it’s a good time for her and would enable her to get the house straightened up and to sit and talk with them rather than being in the middle of folding laundry or making a meal or some other household task. They should tell Donna’s parents that when the visits are spontaneous, Donna never feels as if she can just sit and enjoy their company and she would like them to see her at her best and not her frazzled worst!

When her parents call, she should be honest and tell them a time that is acceptable to her. She should also put a limit on the visit. “Mom, I would love for you come over at 10, but I am going to need to go out at about 11.”

She really should not discuss with her parents where she might be going or what she will be doing. That only encourages intrusiveness.

If there are subjects that set them off, then obviously, Donna and David should avoid them. If Donna and David encourage her parents to talk about their own activities, they will minimize the advice-giving. If there is really something that her parents can offer them in terms of experience and knowledge, they should ask her parents for help so that they will have the pleasure of helping their daughter.

David and Donna also need to become sensitive to the types of responses that make her parents go into high gear. One would be opposing their ideas or giving counter-examples. Donna’s mother, for example, may think that the baby will have colic if his feet aren’t covered even in 90 degree weather. Rather than opposing that as ridiculous, Donna and David can say “You might be right,” and nod their heads thoughtfully. Ideas and attitudes that have no immediate application should not be debated. When Donna’s parents are confronted, they will always charge on. The best thing to do is to listen and nod. The goal in interactions with them is not to win on logic and not to show how independent David and Donna are. It is to maintain a warm relationship. David and Donna are under no obligation to comply with her parents’ advice.

If Donna and David are able to begin building these boundaries, they will notice that the stress that they are under will begin to lessen and their own relationship will be enhanced.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships

Training parents– Part 1

September 20, 2006 by

Well, since you asked….

Many people have the same concern: Why can’t my/my spouse’s parents understand that we are adults who are caring for our own children? Why do they think we can’t make healthy decisions on our own? Why do they think they have to tell us what to do?

The simple answer is that for some reason, these grandparents/ parents of adults forgot that their children grew up. They don’t know how to offer support without imposing control. The tighter they attempt to hold on to control, the stronger the adult child’s need to put some distance between him/herself and the parent.

Often, this creates friction in the younger couple. In general, people want to be kind and loving toward their parents, but the parents’ actions can make that difficult.

Let’s take David and Donna, two fictional people who we are meeting for the first time today. David’s parents live at a great distance from them, but they maintain telephone contact and most of the time the interactions with them are pleasant, if not extremely close. Donna, on the other hand, lives only a few blocks away from her parents. Donna’s mother calls her several times a day. She asks her what she is feeding her children for each meal, what clothing size the baby is, how much weight Donna has lost since the baby’s birth. In addition, Donna’s father needs to know how much money Donna and David are putting into savings each month and whether David has found a good financial analyst. He also asks Donna questions about David’s work that even she doesn’t know the answers to. On their frequent, unplanned visits, Donna’s mother checks out the amount of dust under the sofa and comments on the dirty dishes in the sink. Donna’s father suggests that the houseplants need to be fertilized and they are being under-watered.

Is it any wonder that David blows his top after every interaction with Donna’s parents? He resents not only their interference in his life, but also their interference in Donna’s. Donna too resents her parents badgering, but she feels angry when David points it out. She even sometimes says things like, “Oh, so your parents are so perfect– like if we all died they wouldn’t know until a week from Tuesday when they get around to calling again.” David, of course, then responds with something like, “Well at least they aren’t always in my face; your parents are suffocating me!” Donna, feeling defensive then responds with something like, “Well, at least they care!”

And so on.

The truth is that the problem is not with David and Donna. It is that Donna’s parents have not yet figured out that she grew up. She no longer asks them for money and she has made good decisions. But somehow, they haven’t gotten it that she grew up! Perhaps they are so used to being in control that they don’t know how to give it up. Perhaps they don’t know another way to be close to their adult daughter. And perhaps their life lacks other sources of connection and satisfaction.

Think of it… It take a lot of energy to be controlling. When would one have time to have fun?

Clearly, Donna’s parents are not going to change on their own. The change in the relationship has to come from both David and Donna. They need to redefine the problem as inappropriate boundaries. Simply put, Donna’s parents have been breaching the marital fence that David and Donna have constructed. Somehow or other, the “no trespassing” signs have not been seen or taken seriously. David and Donna need to strengthen that fence. Depending on the types of intrusion, there are several strategies.

Today let’s start with time boundaries

Telephone:

There should be clear “call” and “no call” hours. Donna’s parents should be informed that because of their family activities and Donna’s need for things like sleep and a shower and feeding the baby and cleaning and straightening and cooking, it is not a good idea to call before x hour in the morning or after x hour at night. If a phone call does come in at those hours, then David or Donna needs to politely say, “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good time; can you call me at [and supply a time within the call hours]?” If they persist, say, “I really do want to hear what you have to say, but I need to put down the phone now. ‘Talk to you later. Goodbye.”

I know it sounds harsh, but it is necessary to be clear and consistent. Hints won’t make it! They need to know that there is no talking or listening outside of normal talk/listening hours.

Next time: Visiting time boundaries

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Parents

September 17, 2006 by

When we enter the world, they are there. Our parents. They are there to love us, nurture us, teach us, guide us. They are, of course, only human, so despite the love they feel for us, they may say and do things that harm us physically or emotionally. But still, we look to them for guidance and for approval. So strong is the drive for a parent’s love that an overly close attachment is frequently a sign of overt child abuse. The child, thinking himself the cause of the parent’s anger, tries desperately to regain the parent’s love.

As we go through life, our parents are our guides and protectors. They help us understand the world. They teach us their values. They work to give us all of the things that they want us to have. When we don’t meet their expectations, they disapprove. They lecture. They punish. But they do it because they want us to be the best we can be. They want to be proud of us.

So we struggle between our desire to have a close relationship with them and our desire to find ourselves. Throughout our teen years, we discover our own values. In our twenties, we test those values in the real world, and by our thirties, if we are lucky, we finally know who we are.

All this time, our parents are fading into the sidelines. Now instead of being directors of our lives, they are the critics. They offer their opinions— thumbs up, thumbs down. Sometimes they offer guilt trips. But they are there. They are always there for us to connect to and draw from. They offer their experience, their expertise, their love.

And most of the time, our relationship with them is complex. We love them and they drive us crazy. We want to be close to them and we wish they would leave us alone.

And then, if we are lucky, they grow older, and they need us to help them out. As their physical strength wanes, we must take on the caregiving nurturing role. Sometimes that offers a chance to connect in a new way. Sometimes it becomes a test of wills and a difficult challenge for the children. But always, the parent remains a parent and his or her love is what the child desires.

And they when they have gone, we children begin to realize anew how precious were moments that we shared with them. We remember our mother’s laughter, her blush of self-consciousness, her clever wit, her unbounded energy. We remember our father’s gentle voice, his soft touch, his optimism and his appreciation of beautiful things.

We hold these within us and cherish them. We take on these qualities to honor them and remember them. We understand the fragility of life. We know that patience, a kind word, a smile can heal and we know that if we want to live a life with few regrets, that we have to remember that we never know when a goodbye will be the last one.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Ramblings, Relationships

Surprises

September 13, 2006 by

I have never had a surprise party. I guess it’s because no one ever thought about making me one. Once, for my birthday about 11 years ago, all of my children got together and we went out to eat when I had expected only some to show up and then when I got home there were all sorts of practical gifts for me. I had just moved to Israel and was missing things like an iron and ironing board and full length mirror, and a few other things. It was a lovely evening despite the fact that the wait staff at the brand new Thai restaurant had as little a clue as we did what was on the menu. They seemed to deliver random items to the table, a fact that was confirmed when one asked “who had the fish?” The answer was that no one had ordered fish. My guess is that none of us had ordered anything that we were served. But it was a happy evening and one that I like to remember.

So this year, when my birthday rolled around, it made me really happy to get a couple of emails and telephone calls and a beautiful bouquet of flowers from all of the children. They had remembered and that was very special.

My daughter Leah had invited us to dinner tonight, something that was unusual, but it seemed like a very nice idea. My husband and I both have colds and really were feeling sluggish tonight, but we went anyway. Imagine my surprise when she opened the door to her apartment and there were two other children and their spouses, a couple of grandchildren and a couple of our best friends! I really was surprised. I hadn’t even had a thought that this might be a party!

It was a lovely evening. Our son, Sam and his wife, Ofi entertained us with tales of their children who are very interesting children who say and do cute things. We did a lot of laughing and that felt really good.

I am really grateful for my good friends and my wonderful family. I want to thank my dear husband and fabulous children and especially those terrific people who are married to my children– who chose spouses, but surely didn’t choose me! They are all super people and I appreciate them and love them as my own.

Thank you all!

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

Monkeys

August 30, 2006 by

Yesterday we went with two of our children and their families to the zoo in Jerusalem. The zoo is absolutely lovely — clean, landscaped, and full of animals. We particularly enjoyed the magnificently colored birds, the South Africa penguins, the bears, the lions, the elephants, the leopards and the flamingos. However, the high point for me was watching the monkeys.

Of course I wonder if the high point for the monkeys was watching the sweet little monkeys we had brought along to see them. You can see their pictures online at this location.

Filed Under: Family life

Get over it!

August 23, 2006 by

A while back I wrote about being a grownup. Recently, I have been thinking once more about grown-up behavior. Judith Viorst wrote the book that I might have written called “Grown-Up Marriage.” In it she talks in depth on the subject– in a very entertaining manner, by the way. I highly recommend it.

But being a grown-up is important in all of our relationships. All of us have values. There are behaviors that we dislike in others. Yet, sometimes when we see others “behaving badly,” particularly our family members, we forget what our values are and we violate them by getting hostile, sarcastic, and worse. We forget that we really like being loving accepting people. Worse, if the other person has acted in an unkind or thoughtless manner, he or she may have just been having an off day and perhaps wasn’t thinking. If we allow that behavior to fracture a relationship that we had valued, then we are violating our own values. Sure, the other person was thoughtless. Sure, he/she shouldn’t have said or done what he/she said or did, but if we are grownups and value the relationships we have with our family members, we realize that a fractured relationship reverberates throughout the family and forgiveness and reconciliation must occur for the family as a whole to heal.

Sure, we are hurt. Sure, we feel devalued. But we need to get over it. Pride in one’s self can come from being the grown-up and getting back to the business of creating harmony and warmth and security and love with those who we care about.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

Ups and downs

July 23, 2006 by

It is fascinating to watch people coping with this war. In addition to the cookers and the cleaners, there are the watchers (of the news) and the listeners (to the news) and the avoiders (of all news) and those, like me, who regulate the amount of news they can tolerate on an hour by hour basis. There are some days that I am with the news almost constantly and others that I spend very little time listening or watching. And I believe that each and every person has his or her own way of coping.

But, strangely enough, life goes on, albeit in a sadder tone.

Today I took my daughter to Raanana to make a shiva call at the home of a family whose son, a major in the Israeli Army, had been killed in the fierce battle with Hezbollah that took place north of Avivim. His story, like so many others, is tragic. He had married only three weeks ago. He and his wife had just begun to set up their home. The son of Anglo immigrants, he seems to have been someone who everyone loved. My daughter was visiting because she had been a coworker of his mother.

While in Raanana, we took a walk on the tree lined main street which was bustling with traffic and populated by stores filled with wares that spilled out onto the sidewalk. People were sitting in cafes and people were walking through the street as if it were just a normal day. I remarked to my daughter that had I taken a videotape of our walk today, no one would have believed that things here are so normal.

Of course in the North they are anything but normal. By this morning, before the day’s barrage of rockets, Nahariya, a lovely seaside town where we spent a weekend this past winter, had sustained damage to 500 buildings. And that is only in one town. Hezbollah has hit in or around every town in the North of Israel.

So there is simultaneously this sense of things being fine and of pain and loss and destruction. And this week we added into the mix one more factor.

On Friday July 14, our youngest son and his wife presented us with a darling new granddaughter. This past Thursday she was given the name “Shira”. We pray that she will grow up in a country that will be safe and secure and where none will make her afraid.

Filed Under: Family life, Israel, Ramblings

From the home front

July 19, 2006 by

Another day has passed and with it more rockets landing from Lebanon. For those who are worried about us, I need to recount a phone conversation I had tonight. Our daughter’s in-laws live in Haifa and I spoke with her mother-in-law tonight, again offering to house them for as long as they would like to spend here. She answered that they are fine. They feel safe. They have been in their house reading, listening to music, watching television, taking advantage of the time at home to get things done. They are fine. They are not worried.

Of course, we in the center of the country feel safe and confident, but it is particularly reassuring to me that those in the line of fire are just as confident.

And a personal note: Our youngest granddaughter who will reach the ripe old age of a week on Friday and still has not been named, is very adorable. We enjoyed visiting her and her siblings on Tuesday. And it felt very nice to pick up our younger daughter and her husband who returned in the middle of the night from a trip overseas. It’s good to have them back home.

Filed Under: Family life, Israel, Ramblings

Unraveling a yarn

July 10, 2006 by

Yesterday I responded to a notice on our community mailing list. A woman had posted that she had a garbage bag full of yarn and knitting needles and she was giving it away. Since I use yarn frequently these days to make blankets for my new grandchildren when they are born, I could not pass up the offer. So I called her and arranged to pick up the yarn.

When I got home I started going through the bag. There were multiple balls of the same colors and types of yarn—a nubby gray-green, a very thick off-white, a very thin red, and some nubby off-whites. However, there were also works in progress: about half of the back of a black sweater with red rectangles, but with no further yarn to finish it; the front of a salmon-colored mohair vest for a thin person, most likely a child, and a small aqua mohair skirt still on the round knitting needle.

I began to feel like an intruder on the knitter’s world. I wondered about her. I understood that the woman who had given away the garbage bag full was not the knitter. No one would give away their half-finished work. A perfectionist would finish it. A defeatist would throw it away. It had to have belonged to someone else.

But what happened to her? Did she pass away, in the middle of her work? Did she become disabled so that finishing it was not an option?

I picture her sitting and working. The black and red sweater, I imagine, was for a grandson. I recall my own mother knitting, most likely a sweater for herself, and one of my sons asking for a sweater too. Did this woman’s grandson ask for a sweater? Did she sit and knit it with the anticipation of his delight when she presented him with it?

Was the salmon vest for a granddaughter? Did she think of the child’s dark shiny braids contrasting with the brilliant hue of the sweater? And the skirt? Was this a skirt for another granddaughter? Was this the beginning of a project that included a skirt and a top that the child was going to wear to a special occasion?

And now all that is left are the pieces—pieces of potential—of a life that reached out to others and left things unfinished.

But I wonder…. Did this woman who devoted her time and energy to others express her love in other ways? Did she smile and tell stories as she knit amidst her family? Did she leave them with happy memories of a warmth and acceptance that will stay with them always?

And I wonder… I used to think that leaving a project in the middle was a negative thing, but I suppose that if I had my choice, I would be engaged in creating until the very end and the unfinished pieces would only be more evidence of the love that I felt for my family. I would hope that they would be able to see those unfinished pieces and smile, picturing my happiness at attempting to bring more beauty and love into their lives.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

Grandparents

June 18, 2006 by

Next week I am going to be talking to a group about making memories for your grandchildren. I have asked my children to collect stories about grandparents from their children and to share any memories they might have as well. I would welcome anyone’s input. Specifically, what are some memories you have of your grandparents? What things did they do with you or for you or say to you that were important to you? If you have a story you would like to share, please do.

Oh, and HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all of those loving and terrific men who mean so much to their children and grandchildren! Check out today’s Writer’s Almanac for a special Father’s Day edition. Make sure you bring your handkerchief.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting
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