You are here: Home / Archives for Relationships

The Challenge of Marriage

January 23, 2007 by

When people get married, they normally assume that all will go well. After all, they love each other. If they are mature enough to have thought ahead, they know how they plan to support themselves, where they want to live, and if and when they plan to have children. During their courtship, they focused on each other– wanting to spend all their time together. They waited until finally the day would come when there was no need to be apart.

In most normal marriages, the next few weeks or months bring the issues of family loyalty versus loyalty to spouse and differing expectations to the fore. At that point each is surprised that the other didn’t naturally understand what to them was second nature– from serving platters needing their own utensils to which way the toilet paper roll was installed. Minor differences in experience can make home feel less comfortable as the young couple adapts to each other– taking “a little bit of this and a little bit of that” from each one’s background. But, with loving intentions, eventually, they create together a new reality, a home that is uniquely theirs.

But marriage offers another large set of issues. In infancy, one is tightly connected to one’s parents and counts on them for food and for love. As the child grows, he/she becomes more and more separate. By the teen years, the child wants nothing more desperately than to see him/herself as separate from his/her parents. He/she may take on opinions and preferences that are specifically different from his/her parents to make the point that he/she is different. He/she enjoys being independent and making his/her own decisions. During those years, he/she imagines that marriage will consist of him/her and a spouse who will agree with all of his/her decisions. The idea that he/she may have to take into account someone else’s point of view, preferences, and needs only peripherally enters his/her consciousness.

But marriage consists of two people who are engaged in an ongoing endeavor to reconcile two legitimate but opposite processes. One is development of each of the individuals in the couple as a fully functioning adult with independent thoughts, actions, and feelings. The other is the development of a strong bond that defines each as a member of a couple or a team that has its own character. In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife feel their bond and their shared image as well as their individual images. Each of them is both enriched by and bound by their ties. The freedom each has in his/her personal life is often a direct result of the support of the spouse (e.g., the financial ability to pursue an education or the encouragement to create). A strong bond means emotional support, encouragement, and a feeling of safety.

Yet the tension between the “I-ness” and the “we-ness” persists throughout marriage and it is one of the contradictions that both spouses need to be aware of and understand. Often, the “I-ness” has to take second place to the “we-ness,” but through the supporting bond of the couple, both members become stronger- and together— they become unbeatable!

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

Separation

January 19, 2007 by

Something’s been bothering me for a while. I think at the begining it was bothering me because of its effect on me. But now, I am beginning to understand that its effect is felt throughout the Orthodox Jewish community. I am talking about the practice of separation of men and women at social, cultural and educational events.

It has happened more than once that my husband and I have gone to a wedding where one or both of us was acquainted with the bride or groom or his or her parents, but knew virtually no one at the wedding other than them. We showed up only to find that we were seated at two different tables, sometimes only yards away from each other, but often separated by a tall partition. For any type of communication, we would be at a loss. Even now when we both have cell phones, the excessive noise of wedding bands would make hearing a person on the other end of the conversation impossible. Moreover, sitting at a table of strangers was not a delight. I am, by nature, a shy person and so the wedding then became an ordeal of watching other women interacting with each other and hoping it would be over soon. I respected the family’s desire to conform to the norms of their community and did not fault them for my less than festive experience, but it bothered me.

Then I was invited to a lecture on a religious subject. Of course I assumed that men and women would be interested and were invited, so my husband came along and indeed, other men were present. However, shortly after sitting down, we were advised that he would have to move over to the men’s side. With a look of longing, he left me. What did they think we were going to be doing during the lecture?

And now there are the performances and classes for only men or only women… What is all this about? What are we doing to our society? Children today in religious schools in Israel are gender separated from kindergarten and first grade. More liberal schools allow them to study together until grade 3 or 4. What are we teaching about the relationships between men and women? How are boys and girls supposed to understand one another? Is suppression of their natural curiosity going to help them to grow up healthier?

I fear for the next generation. The other gender is unknown to them. They will marry and procreate, but all social, cultural, and educational activities will be enjoyed with their same gender buddies.

In my experience as a family therapist, I have found that it is precisely shared experiences in the social, cultural, and educational realm that cement the relationship between husband and wife and are the glue of family life. They provide the warm memories, the shared meanings, the pleasant conversations that “old married” people have. Bereft of shared experiences, family life becomes rote and filled with chores and tasks and spouses relating to each other in the mother and father roles, but unable to find the soft padding that such shared experiences provide to make a home loving and warm.

What ever happened to, “therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh”? Clearly the message was meant for us. Adam (of “Adam and Eve” fame) didn’t have a mother and father, so that’s not who was being addressed. Notice that father and mother appear in the same verse. I see no separation there. Notice the “one flesh” reference. Notice how the current “sages” have decided to demarcate that flesh and separate it into its masculine and feminine parts.

My (almost) silent protest is to avoid any lectures, classes, and performances during which I cannot sit next to my husband. My only exception is for those which are clearly dealing with women’s issues only or those which are part of an institution that is a women’s only institution.

Men and women, husbands and wives, should be able to experience life together and not from behind partitions. This is one way of strengthening the ties between them and ensuring the security and happiness of their family.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships, Spirituality

I don’t get it

January 9, 2007 by

As a therapist, I pride myself on not being a voyeur. I listen to my clients’ stories because I want to help them. I do not ask for details that are irrelevant to the treatment nor do I force them to tell me things that they feel uncomfortable talking about. I believe that people are pretty clever about deciding when the appropriate time to reveal things is and how much to reveal.

But outside the therapy room, human relationships that become public knowledge fascinate me. I have a morbid fascination with crimes that take place within the family. I think it stems from the fact that I cannot understand them. I simply don’t understand how a person can harm someone with whom they have had a close personal relationship.

For years I followed the story of the Cherry Hill rabbi who was convicted of hiring two men to kill his wife. I was astounded that the man continued to walk around and be seen in the community and that he could face himself in the morning. I imagined that his ego had taken over and that he enjoyed being a ladies’ man and that he felt that his wife’s death would be a quicker way out of the marriage than divorce. Of course, there was money in the equation. His wife had it and he probably didn’t mind the thought of his having it once she was gone. That he chose to have her killed was not only evil, but it was stupid. He should have known that one of the hired hands would finally talk.

But if he should have known that he would get caught, how much more clever should Rafael Robb have been! He, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, an Ivy League school (and my alma mater) and no less than a professor of game theory, should have known that he had better options than those he exercised in recent days. Leaving aside for the moment whether or not he killed his wife (although mounting evidence does seem very suspicious), why is it that he decided to lie to the police? Why did he say he was shopping at a specific store when the clerk was able to tell police that he wasn’t there that day? Why did he take time to call the police when he “found his wife”– walking up to his bedroom, putting the dog into his daughter’s room, and then calling the seven digit police number from his car cell phone when there were a number of working telephones in the house and he could have called 911? Why did he deny that his wife was seeking a divorce when he knew that there were people who knew otherwise. Why, if he is so clever at game theory, the ability to predict your opponent’s move, did he make himself look so guilty?

Maybe he did it and he’s evil AND stupid. Maybe he didn’t and he’s just stupid. But for anyone who might be reading this and has some anger toward his/her spouse, there is something called therapy– and if that fails, something called divorce.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings, Relationships

Skin Deep?

November 27, 2006 by

I saw something yesterday that set me to thinking. It was something I really did not ask to see. Well, let’s put it this way: it was something I would rather not have seen. It was something that having seen it, I still do not understand. I was in the dressing room of our local health club when I saw it. What “it” was- was thong underwear. The wearer was a woman of perhaps 45. The scene was not pretty. I mean, if she had had a mirror at home that could have shown her a back view, it is clear to me that she would not have worn them in the privacy of her home let alone to the health club. And what is the point of them? They have got to be uncomfortable. A cleavage is one thing… if you are the type who has one and wants to use it for some sort of advantage. After all, one can see a cleavage from a distance. It might be what attracts a man to a woman and ultimately what enables him to learn what a fascinating, educated person she is. But thong underwear??? The only person who is likely to see it is one who’s already pretty committed to the process and by then it really shouldn’t matter.

And then I started to think of all of the dumb things that women do to make themselves “attractive.” They style and color their hair, they buy expensive clothing, they get tummy tucks and facelifts and breast augmentation. They put on makeup and perfume. They learn how to be “beautiful” by reading magazines like “Glamour,” “In Style,” “Shape,” “Vanity Fair,” and “Allure.”

And then they complain that men only want one thing! That no one appreciates them for their brain!

Well, people, I have a proposal. Let’s start over again. Let’s revalue women in a different way. Let’s talk about real human values. How about kindness? compassion? caring? creativity? How about understanding? concern, selflessness, optimism? Why shouldn’t women develop their ability to understand, to teach, to experiment, to invent? How come we don’t emphasize that our daughters learn to nurture, support, encourage, and achieve? And… why can’t we teach these things to our sons?

Why aren’t there magazines that tout the values that are the least susceptible to the ravages of time and accidents of nature, those that reflect the essence of the human being? Can a disabled person act in a beautiful manner? Can an old person have charisma? Can a terminally ill person give the gift of kindness?

In the realm of real values, worth is timeless and non-contingent. In a place where there is humanity to be shared, those with character can share it. In a place where comfort is needed, it can come from old and young, wise and slow. Beauty, then is much much more than skin deep. Beauty is taking our Divinely given soul and developing it in ways that will help others and improve the world

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings, Relationships, Spirituality

Strength from pain

November 21, 2006 by

I currently am teaching another class of wonderful women who are in the first phase of acquiring professional stature in the field of family therapy. Many of these women have been working informally for years as advisors and counselors and teachers. Many simply have the insight and will to help others.

This week, they completed an assignment I had given them in which they had to assess themselves in terms of what they were bringing of themselves to the therapy relationship. All of them were candid and open to discovering themselves. Virtually all of them understood something that is little understood elsewhere, but should be. They understood that many of their greatest strengths came from the adversity they had suffered. Their ability to withstand the challenges they had been given enabled them to become stronger. Their having lived through adversity enables them to understand others who are enduring or who have endured similar challenges and to be able to understand the complex web of feelings that pain and suffering activate. They understand that one can feel hurt and angry and embarrassed and ashamed and frightened and abandoned and worried– all at the same time. That tangle of emotions is what makes people unable to express themselves because it is all so confusing. My students understand that having gone through such tangles of feelings, they are sensitized to others’ feelings and able to understand them and provide the support that others need.

Many years ago a doctor (who neglected to read an x-ray report that the radiologist had written that identified the pain in my hip as a stress fracture) and had sent me for a bone scan, became convinced that I had a tumor and sent me for a stat CAT scan and an MRI. He explained that if it were a tumor, it would be secondary to cancer somewhere else in my body. I naturally believed at that point that I was looking at the last of my days. I began to see the world differently. I realized how future oriented speech is and how detached I already was becoming from the world of people whose futures stretched out ahead of them. I remembering passing a cemetery where a funeral was taking place in the rain and thinking that soon I would have my day. Somewhere in all of that, I remember thinking that if it turned out that I was OK, then I was having the most unbelievably enriching experience because from then on, I would know what it feels like to think that one’s days were ending.

The results were, of course, good. It was only a couple of years later when I was transferring my records that the original radiologist’s report fell out of the large x-ray envelope and I saw the cause of my pain. However, because of that experience I was able over the years to relate in a more relevant and compassionate way to people who had terminal diagnoses.

One of the paradoxes of life is that adversity can build understanding and compassion and that having suffered pain becomes an asset in terms of bringing caring and kindness to the world.

My students are all lovely women. They will go out into their communities and bring with them not only their enthusiasm and caring, but their deep understanding of others and most important, the knowledge that adversity often builds strength.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Relationships, Spirituality

Training parents– Part 2

September 22, 2006 by

Visiting time boundaries

Fictional Donna and David have been working the last two days to enforce phone boundaries. It is difficult. Donna’s mother always has “one more thing” to say before she hangs up. Donna is working at a quick, “Well, I’ve got to go now, goodbye” hangup before her mother goes on to the next topic. David has less difficulty telling Donna’s parents that Donna is busy now and that he has a lot he needs to get done. David realizes that if he just changes his language, things go easier. If he tells Donna’s parents he “would like to” or “should” get something done, they continue talking. If he says that he “needs to” do something, they wind down a bit and he’s able to do the quickie, “thanks for calling, bye.” So they are seeing a bit of progress in their handling of her parents’ intrusions.

In general, now that Donna is beginning to see the problem as a boundary problem rather than something wrong with her parents or with her, she is less defensive and she sees that she and David are on the same side.

The next task they have is to teach Donna’s parents that there are boundaries on their visiting. That isn’t to say that Donna’s parents aren’t welcome. In fact, they can be delightful with the children and of course Donna has a great deal of affection for them. What they don’t want is for her parents’ controlling behavior to get in the way of the possibility of pleasant times together.

They have noticed a few conditions that seem to accompany negative interactions:

1. There are times when Donna’s parents just show up. They come in and expect Donna to drop everything to talk with them. Donna’s mother invariably comments that the house is “a mess.”

2. It seems that the longer they stay, the more controlling they become.

3. There are certain subjects that seem to set them off.

4. There are reactions that seem to make them become even more emphatic

With those in mind, let’s see what Donna and David can do.

The first thing is that they can tell Donna’s parents that they would really appreciate a call from them when they are thinking of visiting. That would allow Donna to let them know if it’s a good time for her and would enable her to get the house straightened up and to sit and talk with them rather than being in the middle of folding laundry or making a meal or some other household task. They should tell Donna’s parents that when the visits are spontaneous, Donna never feels as if she can just sit and enjoy their company and she would like them to see her at her best and not her frazzled worst!

When her parents call, she should be honest and tell them a time that is acceptable to her. She should also put a limit on the visit. “Mom, I would love for you come over at 10, but I am going to need to go out at about 11.”

She really should not discuss with her parents where she might be going or what she will be doing. That only encourages intrusiveness.

If there are subjects that set them off, then obviously, Donna and David should avoid them. If Donna and David encourage her parents to talk about their own activities, they will minimize the advice-giving. If there is really something that her parents can offer them in terms of experience and knowledge, they should ask her parents for help so that they will have the pleasure of helping their daughter.

David and Donna also need to become sensitive to the types of responses that make her parents go into high gear. One would be opposing their ideas or giving counter-examples. Donna’s mother, for example, may think that the baby will have colic if his feet aren’t covered even in 90 degree weather. Rather than opposing that as ridiculous, Donna and David can say “You might be right,” and nod their heads thoughtfully. Ideas and attitudes that have no immediate application should not be debated. When Donna’s parents are confronted, they will always charge on. The best thing to do is to listen and nod. The goal in interactions with them is not to win on logic and not to show how independent David and Donna are. It is to maintain a warm relationship. David and Donna are under no obligation to comply with her parents’ advice.

If Donna and David are able to begin building these boundaries, they will notice that the stress that they are under will begin to lessen and their own relationship will be enhanced.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships

Training parents– Part 1

September 20, 2006 by

Well, since you asked….

Many people have the same concern: Why can’t my/my spouse’s parents understand that we are adults who are caring for our own children? Why do they think we can’t make healthy decisions on our own? Why do they think they have to tell us what to do?

The simple answer is that for some reason, these grandparents/ parents of adults forgot that their children grew up. They don’t know how to offer support without imposing control. The tighter they attempt to hold on to control, the stronger the adult child’s need to put some distance between him/herself and the parent.

Often, this creates friction in the younger couple. In general, people want to be kind and loving toward their parents, but the parents’ actions can make that difficult.

Let’s take David and Donna, two fictional people who we are meeting for the first time today. David’s parents live at a great distance from them, but they maintain telephone contact and most of the time the interactions with them are pleasant, if not extremely close. Donna, on the other hand, lives only a few blocks away from her parents. Donna’s mother calls her several times a day. She asks her what she is feeding her children for each meal, what clothing size the baby is, how much weight Donna has lost since the baby’s birth. In addition, Donna’s father needs to know how much money Donna and David are putting into savings each month and whether David has found a good financial analyst. He also asks Donna questions about David’s work that even she doesn’t know the answers to. On their frequent, unplanned visits, Donna’s mother checks out the amount of dust under the sofa and comments on the dirty dishes in the sink. Donna’s father suggests that the houseplants need to be fertilized and they are being under-watered.

Is it any wonder that David blows his top after every interaction with Donna’s parents? He resents not only their interference in his life, but also their interference in Donna’s. Donna too resents her parents badgering, but she feels angry when David points it out. She even sometimes says things like, “Oh, so your parents are so perfect– like if we all died they wouldn’t know until a week from Tuesday when they get around to calling again.” David, of course, then responds with something like, “Well at least they aren’t always in my face; your parents are suffocating me!” Donna, feeling defensive then responds with something like, “Well, at least they care!”

And so on.

The truth is that the problem is not with David and Donna. It is that Donna’s parents have not yet figured out that she grew up. She no longer asks them for money and she has made good decisions. But somehow, they haven’t gotten it that she grew up! Perhaps they are so used to being in control that they don’t know how to give it up. Perhaps they don’t know another way to be close to their adult daughter. And perhaps their life lacks other sources of connection and satisfaction.

Think of it… It take a lot of energy to be controlling. When would one have time to have fun?

Clearly, Donna’s parents are not going to change on their own. The change in the relationship has to come from both David and Donna. They need to redefine the problem as inappropriate boundaries. Simply put, Donna’s parents have been breaching the marital fence that David and Donna have constructed. Somehow or other, the “no trespassing” signs have not been seen or taken seriously. David and Donna need to strengthen that fence. Depending on the types of intrusion, there are several strategies.

Today let’s start with time boundaries

Telephone:

There should be clear “call” and “no call” hours. Donna’s parents should be informed that because of their family activities and Donna’s need for things like sleep and a shower and feeding the baby and cleaning and straightening and cooking, it is not a good idea to call before x hour in the morning or after x hour at night. If a phone call does come in at those hours, then David or Donna needs to politely say, “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good time; can you call me at [and supply a time within the call hours]?” If they persist, say, “I really do want to hear what you have to say, but I need to put down the phone now. ‘Talk to you later. Goodbye.”

I know it sounds harsh, but it is necessary to be clear and consistent. Hints won’t make it! They need to know that there is no talking or listening outside of normal talk/listening hours.

Next time: Visiting time boundaries

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Parents

September 17, 2006 by

When we enter the world, they are there. Our parents. They are there to love us, nurture us, teach us, guide us. They are, of course, only human, so despite the love they feel for us, they may say and do things that harm us physically or emotionally. But still, we look to them for guidance and for approval. So strong is the drive for a parent’s love that an overly close attachment is frequently a sign of overt child abuse. The child, thinking himself the cause of the parent’s anger, tries desperately to regain the parent’s love.

As we go through life, our parents are our guides and protectors. They help us understand the world. They teach us their values. They work to give us all of the things that they want us to have. When we don’t meet their expectations, they disapprove. They lecture. They punish. But they do it because they want us to be the best we can be. They want to be proud of us.

So we struggle between our desire to have a close relationship with them and our desire to find ourselves. Throughout our teen years, we discover our own values. In our twenties, we test those values in the real world, and by our thirties, if we are lucky, we finally know who we are.

All this time, our parents are fading into the sidelines. Now instead of being directors of our lives, they are the critics. They offer their opinions— thumbs up, thumbs down. Sometimes they offer guilt trips. But they are there. They are always there for us to connect to and draw from. They offer their experience, their expertise, their love.

And most of the time, our relationship with them is complex. We love them and they drive us crazy. We want to be close to them and we wish they would leave us alone.

And then, if we are lucky, they grow older, and they need us to help them out. As their physical strength wanes, we must take on the caregiving nurturing role. Sometimes that offers a chance to connect in a new way. Sometimes it becomes a test of wills and a difficult challenge for the children. But always, the parent remains a parent and his or her love is what the child desires.

And they when they have gone, we children begin to realize anew how precious were moments that we shared with them. We remember our mother’s laughter, her blush of self-consciousness, her clever wit, her unbounded energy. We remember our father’s gentle voice, his soft touch, his optimism and his appreciation of beautiful things.

We hold these within us and cherish them. We take on these qualities to honor them and remember them. We understand the fragility of life. We know that patience, a kind word, a smile can heal and we know that if we want to live a life with few regrets, that we have to remember that we never know when a goodbye will be the last one.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Ramblings, Relationships

Get over it!

August 23, 2006 by

A while back I wrote about being a grownup. Recently, I have been thinking once more about grown-up behavior. Judith Viorst wrote the book that I might have written called “Grown-Up Marriage.” In it she talks in depth on the subject– in a very entertaining manner, by the way. I highly recommend it.

But being a grown-up is important in all of our relationships. All of us have values. There are behaviors that we dislike in others. Yet, sometimes when we see others “behaving badly,” particularly our family members, we forget what our values are and we violate them by getting hostile, sarcastic, and worse. We forget that we really like being loving accepting people. Worse, if the other person has acted in an unkind or thoughtless manner, he or she may have just been having an off day and perhaps wasn’t thinking. If we allow that behavior to fracture a relationship that we had valued, then we are violating our own values. Sure, the other person was thoughtless. Sure, he/she shouldn’t have said or done what he/she said or did, but if we are grownups and value the relationships we have with our family members, we realize that a fractured relationship reverberates throughout the family and forgiveness and reconciliation must occur for the family as a whole to heal.

Sure, we are hurt. Sure, we feel devalued. But we need to get over it. Pride in one’s self can come from being the grown-up and getting back to the business of creating harmony and warmth and security and love with those who we care about.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Relationships

Friendly Persuasion

June 11, 2006 by

One of the hardest things about being a mother was, for me, the fact that my children would argue with each other. These were often not calm disagreements, rather interchanges that escalated in tone and volume until finally I would have to intervene to save my own sanity. Sometimes I would send the children to their rooms. Sometimes I would send them outside. Sometimes we would discuss what was happening and try to problem solve by clarifying who did what and how some resolution could come about. What I didn’t do was give them any clues as to how to resolve disputes in a more productive way,

What I should have done is to sit individually with them and ask them to tell me how they saw the situation and then how they thought their sibling saw it. If they were unable to supply the sibling’s point of view, I should have tried to guess what it was and then ask the child to rephrase it to ensure that the child had heard and understood. Next, I should have asked the child to try and think of what he or she could have done differently in light of what their sibling was thinking and feeling. Could he or she have found some common ground, a compromise, a trade-off?

I should have taught my children that the least likely way to get what you want is by name-calling, yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, and threats. I should have taught them that a smile, a nod, a real concern for the other and their point of view all go a long way toward resolving a conflict. I should have taught them to find out what the other one really wanted and to see if there was a way that both of them could get what they wanted. I should have taught them that respecting the other person is a prerequisite for coming to a satisfactory resolution. I should have done that not only for my sanity’s sake, but to help facilitate their effectiveness as adults.

I like to think that they learned those skills in part by watching what their parents did. Sometimes, if we are lucky, the message gets through even if we are not consciously transmitting it. However, with all of the anger and pain and violence in the world, actively teaching children the art of conflict resolution might just be a priority.

Filed Under: Family life, Parenting, Relationships
« Previous Page
Next Page »