A word about Tibet

I will admit it. I am not an expert on Tibet. However, I have studied about Tibet and spent a few days there this past spring. Here is what I know about the situation there:

Lhasa, capital of the Tibetan Autonomous Region, is experiencing a renaissance. When we were there last spring, the streets were clean, there was bustling traffic, people moved about freely. As we drove through the streets, we saw Buddhist pilgrims who were coming on foot to the main temple from places that were so far away that the treks took close to a year. We saw monks walking on the streets and in the many temples and monasteries. Religious items were on sale and prayer wheels lined the streets that surrounded the largest of the temples in Lhasa. People walking around the temple would spin them as they went by, thereby repeating a prayer said earlier in the day.

In addition to its airport, Lhasa has recently been linked to the rest of China by a fabulous railway that travels 1110 kilometers (over 600 miles) between Qinghai and Lhasa, crossing the frozen tundra at enormous altitudes while preserving the wildlife.

While in Lhasa we went to a monastery where there were tens and maybe over a hundred young monks dressed in their crimson robes outside in the shade of trees debating and trying to understand the holy ideas- one questioning the other in pairs of two or three. It was like nothing so much as an active yeshiva where the men were studying with their “chevrusa.”

In a tiny village outside of Lhasa, we asked a local family to allow us to come into their home. Outside in the courtyard of the U-shaped home, the woman was boiling water using a solar reflector. Inside was a fairly primitive kitchen with a large water container and with preserved meat and cheeses hanging from the ceiling, a few sleeping rooms, and a living room with a large screen TV and a DVD. And yes, there was a satellite dish outside. There was no bathroom in the house, entertainment having won the battle of priorities…

In Lhasa, there are luxury hotels. Our hotel was exquisite. Our hallway was decorated with highly polished woods and there were showcases with local artifacts in them. As we walked down the hallway, the lights would increase in intensity in front of us and dim behind us. Every room had a computer and free 24 hour internet access. When the computer in my room gave me trouble, they simply replaced it.

The man at the hotel who we interfaced with about the cooking and set-up was a very young man who had been trained in the hotel business and did all he could to please us going so far as to put plastic wrap over each of the 27 placemats we used at each meal! He had grown up in Lhasa, but was looking forward to going to Shanghai and learning more about the hotel business and then returning to Lhasa to manage one of the luxury hotels. He spoke of hope and a bright future.

Was every Tibetan we saw happy? I don’t know. I do know that they smiled and were friendly and did not seem to be suffering. Economically, they have never been in better shape. How many of them really want the Dalai Lama to come back to be not just the spiritual leader but also the political leader of Tibet is completely unclear to me.

The Chinese have taken pains to allow people to worship as they wish. They have created a magnificent Tibetan Museum in Lhasa.

And now that the Tibetan monks have started rioting, the people of the world have a knee-jerk response “the Chinese need to give Tibet its independence.”” The Dalai Lama refuses to tell his people to stop rioting, but he fears a bloodbath and “cultural genocide.” Were the Chinese to leave Tibet, would the people be better off? I seriously doubt it. Now they are enjoying the fruits of Chinese prosperity. They have limited ability to provide food for themselves because of their harsh winters and short growing season.

I don’t know what is right, but I do know that a lot of people who know less than I do are very sure. Just as they are sure that Israel should just give up its land because the Arabs are rioting and lobbing rockets into our civilian populations. They are so sure. They can’t find Israel on a map. They have no idea of the size of our country or the population. They don’t know that ceding land here is not possible when those who would take it are bent on killing our population.

It’s so easy to know what’s right when you are ignorant.

TW3*

This week (as much as I can remember of it…)

Monday: out to Alon Shevut to visit our 6 grandchildren there and most specifically boy/girl twins, Yael and Menachem, who had recently had birthdays… accompanied by Barbie and Thomas the Tank Engine. Home via Malcha Mall in Jerusalem where we had burgers.

Tuesday: To a home wig sale (didn’t buy but am still considering) and then to Jerusalem with Hadas (14 year old oldest granddaughter) for her interview at an amazing school. Out to lunch with her at (you guessed it) the Malcha Mall Food court (this time, dairy) then to Petach Tikvah for a meeting of the Shai Bar Ilan Tour Guides to China.

Wednesday: who remembers?

Thursday: Went with our friends on a beautiful hike to see the blue lupin that are blossoming now. On the hill were also wild mustard and a profusion of poppies and cyclamens.

When we got back, my younger daughter, Leah, called and asked me to meet her and her baby Kinneret at the nearby coffee shop. While there, my husband called to tell me that my youngest son his wife, and their 5 children were dropping by. We took them out to pizza at a nearby place that has outdoor equipment for little children and so their children were pretty content which made the parents and grandparents pretty content too!

Friday: Had to get to the shopping center extra early before all of the parking places were taken (here everybody has shabbat!) Did this with our daughter Rachel’s youngest daughter, tow-headed Nomi in tow… Rachel was off to the hospital in Jerusalem at 1 week, 6 days beyond her due date, hoping to be induced. Home to unload groceries and then out again to the fruit and veggie store where they have special “otsar haaretz” products (because this is the shmitta year– and if you don’t understand this, good luck on google) and to the special bakery for four large challot because we were preparing for our oldest son and his 6 children to spend shabbat with us. Meanwhile, the hospital told my daughter to go home and rest because there was no possibility of an induction on Friday and they only induce on Saturdays for medical necessity. In the end, for dinner, we had a small crowd with our son, his 6 children and 4 of my older daughter’s children.

Shabbat (Saturday) All of us were up and getting ready to go to the synagogue when we heard a knock at the door. My grandson said, “Mommy went to the hospital and I have a baby brother!”

Screams and hugs followed.

Saturday night: Went to Jerusalem to visit the mom and babe. He’s a beautiful little blondie!

Sunday morning: After having been traumatized by a cleaning person who used the entire Sea of Galilee to clean my floors about 5 years ago, I haven’t had one here since. Finally last week I saw a notice put on the Modi’in email list about a reliable cleaner. I called her and arranged for her to come this morning. I’ll admit, she didn’t sound very clever. She had trouble understanding where to get off the bus even though we live down the block from the first bus stop there is when you enter the city from her direction. I spent no less than 10 minutes getting that clarified after she repeatedly told me that she was taking the 150 bus and not the 443 and I repeatedly told her that yes, 150 is the number of the bus and 443 was the number of the road that the bus travels on. I’m not sure she understood. Anyway, we settled on 8 a.m. today, but I really was having second thoughts. It all worked out well- she didn’t show up and I am happy.

But at about 10 a.m., I got a call from my oldest daughter telling me that she and the baby and the family are fine, but that something horrible had happened. It turns out that the science teacher at the 11 year old twins’ school was killed in an auto accident on Friday. the twins were understandably upset so off I went to pick them up…

And so it goes.

But in the end, we accomplished something wonderful this week– we saw all of our children and grandchildren, and we welcomed a very adorable new baby into the family!

* For you youngsters: TW3 was a TV show that originally was produced in Great Britain and then the format came to the US and it stood for “That was the week that was”– it was a parody of the news.

Ten things my parents never had to worry about

1. Setting up a router
2. A printer that came with a defective driver.
3. Getting interrupted at a wedding by a cellphone call.
4. Choosing whether to buy the spiral or straight energy-saving lightbulbs.
5. Sending message to 75 people without having had a chance to proofread it.
6. Running short of electrical outlets.
7. Trying to figure out how to use their “user-friendly” IPOD.
8. Making sure the had something to post on their blog every once in a while.
9. Wondering what their friends look and sound like.
10. Spam

Baby, baby, baby

It’s been baby time in our family for the last 15 years. Baby time started for us with that amazing announcement: “I’m pregnant!” by our older daughter. Miraculously, although we were only in our 20s ourselves (or so it felt) we went from being parents to being grandparents. And since then, the ball has been rolling. Babies have been arriving one after the other– a couple of years bringing as many as 4 new people into the world.

Let me tell you something about some of the babies I love:

Three year old twins- Chani & Eli-
Full of excitement and energy, these two could be a fulltime job for even the most active parent. However, in this house, they are not the only children. They have twin siblings (also a boy and a girl) 2.5 years older as well as two more older brothers. Life with Chani and Eli is always interesting and full of giggles and action.

Three year old- Ami
Ami has big blue eyes and a big infectious smile. He seems to know exactly how to get what he wants from his two older brothers and three older sisters, not to mention all of the adults who he charms with his coy manner.

Three year old (almost) Abigail
The image of her mother (at least in my eyes) beautiful and fine featured, this one seems to have been talking since birth. Not only does she talk, but she says interesting, sometimes off-beat, and invariably clever things. Very easy to cuddle.

Two year old (almost) Nomi
Walking and talking, this little bundle of blonde curls is dynamite. It will be no time before she and her sister Abigail will be taking over the world with their feminine wiles. They have two big sisters and a big brother.

One and a half year old Shira
Another blonde haired, blue eyed beauty, this one ia great at making her needs known. She is happy and bouncy and her eyes sparkle. She has two big brothers and two big sisters.

8 month old Kinneret
Although still very young, this little one has a personality. Her mom says she “has attitude.” She is happy and loves to smile. She also loves to eat the string of beads that holds my reading glasses. Very cuddlesome. Right now, she has her parents to herself.

And the best news is that we aren’t finished yet!

Ten things you’ll never hear me say

Thanks, Kirby, for inviting us all to participate.

Here are my 10 in no particular order.

1. I sure do wish you would let that beard of yours grow longer and more bushy.

2. I so love cleaning house!

3. If you’re going to be serving ice cream, I’d rather not come.

4. Why are you having yet another child?

5. Going away? To where? No, sorry, I’d rather stay home.

6. It doesn’t matter how you act when you are away from home because no one you know will ever find out.

7. I regret staying home to raise my children.

8. My kids and I aren’t so close.

9. I’m moving back to the US.

10. Who wants to come shopping with me for some scarves to cover my face?

Sayings of the grownups

Here are some of the sayings I was raised with….

About shopping for better value items:
When you buy cheap, you have cheap.

After something you paid a lot of money for malfunctions or breaks:
What do you want for nothing?

About tickling- reflecting ambivalence:
Stop it; I like it.

About sibling battles:
He hit me back first.

Philosophy of family relations:
He’s mad; so he’ll get glad.

About love and marriage:
You should wait for the right man like K did.
(K’s husband divorced her a few years later and moved in with his male lover.)

(From a mother to her son– as reported by her son’s wife)
You can always get another wife, but you only have one mother.

And now two that are totally irrelevant to anyone living in Israel:

Table etiquette:
When you set the table, always remember serving pieces.
What are serving pieces?

You can’t wear white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.
(our only white rule is YES! White for Yom Kippur!)

Please feel free to 1. guess who said each of these
2. add some sayings of the grownups of your own

From triLcat (Thank you! How could I have forgotten!!!!)
About yummy foods:
Did that piece of cake have a twin?

or
Do you know what this tastes like? It tastes like another one.

Messages

As a therapist, one of my jobs is to help people to communicate more effectively with the people around them. I help people to express themselves in ways that are clear and non-blaming so that the other party is aware of their needs, but not provoked to defensiveness. I talk about saying things instead of just thinking them because people cannot read each others’ minds. Most of all, and especially when raising young children, I tell people that they need to give clear messages.

So that is one part of what I do. It is not necessarily the only thing I do in terms of communication.

A long time ago I had a very strange and interesting experience. It happened during my internship in Boston at a family therapy institute. I was working with a multi-problem family in a fairly intensive manner– seeing the wife perhaps twice a week and the couple at least once a week in addition to telephone calls during the week. My supervisor was a quasi-genius. He was the person who always had the answers I was looking for. I would tell him what was happening and he would help me figure out what to do next. This went on for weeks.

And then, one day, I caught him in the hall and said, “I need to talk to you about the Jones family.” (not their name) He said, “I don’t want to hear.” I was taken aback, but I just assumed that he was busy and it wasn’t a good time to talk. The next day when I saw him, I again said, “I need to talk to you about the Jones family.” (still not their name) He said, “I don’t want to hear.” This happened for a few days. I continued doing for them what I believed was the right thing, but I missed the support of my supervisor. It was only later that I began to understand that he was telling me that I needed to trust myself.

At the same time, I noticed that my supervisor was looking forlorn. He was missing that verve and energy that he had had earlier in the year. I asked him if everything was all right. He said that he was fine.

One day as I was going to my inbox at the agency, I was carrying money in my hand for the coffee machine. As I reached into my box, some of it fell and I gathered it up as well as I could. Apparently I hadn’t found it all because when my supervisor came over to get something from his box, he found a nickel. He said, “Hmmm, where did this come from?” I jokingly responded, “It’s a payment for being good.” He smiled and a tear came to his eye. He took the nickel and put it in his pocket.

From then on, from time to time, I would leave him a nickel. He didn’t ever acknowledge it. Several months later we were in a group supervision setting and he said to me in a gentle voice, “I don’t need those payments anymore.” The other students didn’t know what he was talking about. One asked, “Was this some kind of token economy?” He answered, once again with a tear in his eye, “No, it was so much more than that.”

We never spoke of what had transpired, but by the end of the year he was looking more energetic and happier.

I moved away to Oklahoma. A couple of years later I saw him at a conference. I told him how much I appreciated everything he had taught me both directly and indirectly. I told him that I now understood the power of indirect messages.

He said, “Yes, I was really screwed up that year.”

But whether he meant to or not, he did teach me about the power of the unsaid, the gesture, the non-verbal communication. And now I teach that to others.

Today

It happened today. It was a private matter settled in a public place. The cast of characters- people who had a lot in common– people who had known each other for years. Words were said. Kind words. Loving words. And there also were long silences with looks averted and expressionless faces. There was lot of waiting and then more waiting. And then it was over. And then we went home– some of us to our normal lives, but for two, to new beginnings.

Update

Saturday night we were invited to a reunion of those who had been on our tour to Vietnam and Cambodia. Although we came from all over Israel, amazingly, almost everyone showed up! We all looked like real people– not like people who were living out of suitcases… Some people brought their photos and the photos were amazing. I’ll be posting some of mine soon. One person brought his video and it was almost like being back there. We had a great time on the trip and a great time at the reunion with wonderful people we had traveled with.

What amazed us was that we had had no idea that on the tour were two fantastic artists whose work we were able to see that evening. The hostess is a talented painter and her friend who she traveled with is a noted sculptress. We just thought that they were really nice people and had no idea that this was another brush with greatness!

The highlight of yesterday was going with K and her husband (who we have unofficially adopted) to a 12 week ultrasound and seeing their little one! What a special moment that was for them and for me.

And today, we, like the rest of Israel, are bracing for the storm and those at higher elevations are anticipating snow. Already the rain is falling on the glass roof of our back porch (which our now 14 year old granddaughter once dubbed “the aquarium.”) The leaves of the bougainvillea are glistening with rain droplets.

And most important… most likely one set of grandchildren will have a great day tomorrow as they roll in the snow.

Do-it-yourself

Here are the topics. Have the post on my desk by 4 this afternoon at the latest.

Finishing her ninth month of pregnancy, but fired by her doctor
Has a car! That is big enough for him and all the children! (Have I mentioned “has wheels!”?)
Finally able to eat! Seeing her little one dance.
Head in a cage. Flaming redhead.
Baby spew.
Home from Spain
Home from the US and the UK
Having her chumash party
Waiting for news about school
Selling China