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Nothing to say

March 13, 2009 by

This week has been a difficult one. My daughter and her husband are faced with a difficult decision. A child in our city was killed in a traffic accident. People I know have lost loved ones. And I feel impotent- unable to provide the right answer, the right words. And who should know what to say? Surely a family therapist, an “expert” in human interactions, a person who should know how to phrase things properly, how to say exactly the right thing, surely I should be able to respond in a meaningful, thoughtful, helpful way.

But I can’t.

Because, there is nothing to say. There is nothing that makes a difficult decision easier other than expressing one’s confidence that whatever people choose to do will be the right choice for them. There is nothing to say that removes grief. No one else can feel the pain of the bereft. No one can know what that family member meant to them. No one can know what words might heal and what words might hurt.

A long time ago I worked in the intensive care unit at a hospital. My supervisor, a chaplain, had talked to us about “a ministry of presence.” He told us that just being there and being with was in itself, a ministry. There was one very old woman (I think she was 92) who was in a coma. Each day I went and stood by her bed. I would take her hand. I would sometimes talk to her, although I knew she most likely wouldn’t hear me. I would stay there for 5 or 10 minutes and then I would wish her well and leave. One day I came to the unit and she was gone. I thought she had died. I was about to leave the unit after visiting some other people when one of the nurses came to me and told me that the woman had awakened. She told me that the family had asked her to thank me for being with their mother and for having been so kind. I never thought to ask how they knew. Did she hear me? feel me? Had the nurses told them? I don’t know.

But after that I understood that sometimes, when there is nothing to say, being there, being with is the best thing we can do.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Ramblings, Relationships, Spirituality

With apologies to my sister

March 8, 2009 by

My sister is the film maven in the family. She just is. If you have a question about films, she can probably answer it. She’s been to film festivals on 4 continents- one in a place I had never even heard of.

So, it seems somewhat presumptuous to give a movie review on my website. However, I think she may forgive me. We’ll see.

A couple of nights ago we went with friends to see “Bruriah” – an Israeli film recently released that builds upon the story of Rabbi Meir’s wife, Bruriah, who was known to be a very learned woman. Perhaps you remember the story of the two sons of Bruriah and Rabbi Meir. According to the story, their two sons died on a shabbat while Rabbi Meir was not at home. Bruriah covered them in the next room. When her husband returned, she asked him a question. She posed this situation: someone came and left precious possessions with her. She kept them and cared for them. Finally the owner came back. Should she return them? Her husband said, “of course” and then she led him to the other room where his two dead sons lay.

The film was inspired by another story about Bruriah- one in which she is tested and ultimately fails. The story is filmed in a contemporary context. Modern-day Bruriah is the daughter of a man who has written a book about Bruriah that is thought to be heretical and as a result he and she are shunned. The film begins well. By about halfway through, it has become enjoyable. There is good acting, realistic costume and scenery, and even a little humor. But somewhere, the screenplay or the editing went awry. Suddenly it’s unclear if the film is a parable? a slice of life? a fantasy? And it is not clear that the actors or director knew either. We never really understand what was so heretical about the book. We don’t understand the motivation of the characters. We have difficulty having any sense of who the characters are inside. They seem to act without any observable motivations. By the end of the flim, all four of us were shaking our heads “no.”

Four thumbs down.

Filed Under: Ramblings

Keeping on keeping on

March 5, 2009 by

My grandson Ephraim had his surgery 2 weeks ago. Last week, we returned to the doctor to see how he was healing post-surgery. He was doing fine. We were surprised that he had us make an appointment for this week. My daughter and I went today and thank G-d, he is still doing fine. This time it was not the doctor who has been caring for him and we both worried that the 4 hours we spent waiting would be wasted, but they weren’t. The doctor we saw seemed very much on board with his condition and we gained a feeling of confidence from her. We again were surprised that we were asked to make another appointment with his doctor for next week. These appointments are at Tel HaShomer Hospital which is on the outskirts of Tel Aviv.

We are in a territory that we are unfamiliar with– his condition is not something we had ever hear of before and although we are learning more about it every day, we don’t know the ins and outs of what the medical people will be doing for him and how his appointment schedule will look and whether or not they will decide to put in a contact lens or patch his good eye… we are simply relying on the medical people to lead us through this step by step.

We are grateful to the lay people here in Israel who have given us support through the yahoo PHPV email group. They have helped us to feel comfortable with the expertise of the people who are treating Ephraim. But what is fascinating to me is that although I have had many experiences in my life, this one is totally new. It requires patience and trust and a willingness to accept what is happening and to walk confidently one foot in front of the other, knowing that ultimately, what his parents are doing for Ephraim is providing the very best care available anywhere.

Filed Under: Ramblings

Tell me

February 27, 2009 by

Well, friends, I have written 433 blog posts and now I think it’s time for you to do some work. I have an important question to ask and I would like people to answer it.

It all started yesterday. I was talking with the very famous Sima, the person who keeps my fingernails from falling off (yes, falling off… not exactly like leprosy, but just as ugly and painful) and she was telling me about someone she met who was a truly kind person. She talked about how this person was caring and giving and completely unselfish and told me that she has to be a very rare person. Well, I thought, she does sound very kind and caring, but I don’t know if she is very rare. In my experience, most of the people I meet and most of the people I know could be thought of in the very same way. Every day I see people being kind to others. I see people going out of their way for others. I think that the unkind person is the exception.

Granted, out on the road, especially in Israel, people can act most uncharitably. Some people seem to get a kick out of keeping others from changing lanes, from driving at the speed limit, from stopping for pedestrians– but get those same people in situation where help is needed, and I’m guessing they would be running over each other to be of help- even to a complete stranger.

So there’s the question. What’s your experience? Are people basically good and kind and giving or are they mean and selfish?

Filed Under: Ramblings

Missing in action?

February 24, 2009 by

I really have not been missing in action. Only the “action” part is correct. My days have been busy. Last week was my grandson’s surgery and the three days he spent in the hospital were not easy days for anyone. On Monday we took him back for a follow-up appointment and he seems to be healing well. We have to go back next week for another follow-up.

Since his condition is fairly rare, and since PHPV manifests itself differently in different people, the treatment options are not clear. We have gotten an enormous amount of support from people through the internet yahoo group. We identified the foremost expert on retinas in small children in the US and were told that he would be willing to evaluate Ephraim’s tests and reports. When we saw his doctor here in Israel (Israel’s expert on PHPV) I mentioned that we had located a doctor in the US. He actually said, without a second’s hesitation, the name of the doctor we had found. The Israeli doctor said that he is very doubtful that the US doctor has anything to offer that is not available here. But now we wait and see what his condition is following the surgery.

Our apartments are almost finished (HOORAY!!!). The one we live in is almost back to normal, but much improved. We still have to figure out what pictures we want to hang and where. Right now, the walls look pretty good without pictures…

We are putting the finishing touches on the short-term rental apartment and it really looks nice. We went out today and bought bedding, wastebaskets, knives… we need to clean the apartment of dust, wash the floors, and soon we will be ready for guests!

So now, there is no excuse not to visit us. We figure that between the two apartments, we can sleep 18 people (not including us!) with no one sleeping on a sofa (except the foldout one). So y’all just hurry on over, ya’ hear?

Filed Under: Ramblings

After the surgery

February 19, 2009 by

It is Thursday. Surgery was Tuesday and rather than summarizing the medical aspects, I will refer you to my daughter’s web site http://trilcat.blogspot.com/

I have a few observations:
1. My daughter is an amazing person. She provided a safe, loving environment for her little guy throughout this ordeal. She dealt with the entire process with equanimity. May no one I love ever be tested like this, but she passed with flying colors.
2. The doctor was enormously professional and inspired confidence. His manner was calm and he was clear and honest when he told us how the surgery had gone. I appreciate that.
3. The eye hospital at Tel Hashomer treated my daughter and grandson with caring and kindness. My daughter had a bed to sleep in each night.
4. Despite the fact that we have socialized medicine, we had very few hassles associated with the hospitalization. We walked out of the hospital without having to pay a sheqel.

Most important, Ephraim Yehoshua continues to be a blessing. He is a healthy, sweet, precious baby with a beautiful face and we couldn’t possibly love him more.

Filed Under: Israel, Parenting, Ramblings

Hard days

February 16, 2009 by

Today was a hard day. I took my younger daughter and her 6 week old baby to the hospital. Her son was born with PHPV, a condition that results from a problem with the growth of a baby’s eyes as he is developing in the womb. Ephraim Joshua has this on only one eye and without surgery, he would have no chance for sight in that eye. The surgery must be done before 11 weeks of age for it to enable him to have a good chance of seeing, but early surgery is not a guarantee. The doctor will be removing a cataract from the eye, draining some of his vitreous, and examining the eye to see what the structure looks like. Depending on what he finds, he will give us his assessment of the potential for sight in that eye. If all goes well, it’s a long road between where we are and where we want to be. He will most likely have to wear a contact lens on the affected eye and most likely will have to wear a patch over his good eye for significant parts of the day. This could go on for 10 years.

We are fortunate in a number of ways. We were able to find the Yahoo support group and through their database, we were able to find another family in Israel, not very far from us whose child has PHPV. They have been wonderful- warm and supportive and open and helpful. They, along with Rabbi Fierer’s organization, Ezra LaMarpeh, helped us find the best medical care for Ephraim. The doctor has been wonderful and we feel that Ephraim is in the best hands.

The surgery is tomorrow. We ask for your prayers for אפרים יהושע בן לאה גבריאלה (Ephraim Yehoshua ben Leah Gavriella).

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

Predictability

February 15, 2009 by

It’s interesting what we humans do. We are born into a world that has some degree of predictability– the sun will rise in the morning and set at night, but a very large degree of randomness. If we look at our lives, we realize that very little is in our control. We cannot control the other driver- who may be talking on his cell phone or just not paying attention. We cannot control the illnesses that we are subject to. Oh yes, researchers work on treatments and cures, but aside from taking precautions not to do things that are dangerous to our health (smoking, excessive use of alcohol, tanning, eating large quantities of artery-clogging foods), we have very little control.

But we long for control. We long for predictability. We try to find reasons why others have hardships and heartaches and disabilities in order to protect ourselves from the realization that all of us are vulnerable. But when we are being rational, we know that the terror victim happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. We understand that cancer began to grow in someone as a random occurrence. We comprehend that we are vulnerable.

We teach our children that this is an ordered universe- that if they behave nicely, good things will happen to them. And, we hope, we pray, this is true. We want so much to create for them a world without pain. And then the randomness of the universe once again shows itself.

Where is G-d in all of this? I wish I had an answer. I know that I cannot understand. I am not sure that humans are meant to understand. I have read more than once of life on earth as a tapestry. Just as a magnificent tapestry may have areas that are dark or bent or frayed, but when seen in the full context, they only add to the beauty, so we may see our lives. It’s a beautiful metaphor, but it doesn’t answer the question. Why can’t all of the people I love be part of the bright and beautiful part of the tapestry?

I think the answer to the lack of control is to take control of the part that we can. We CAN be kind to each other. We CAN help each other. We CAN value each other. We CAN provide the listening ear, the gentle touch, the warm embrace. We may not be able to control the world, but we can control how we act in it. And we have the ability to make it a better place.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting, Ramblings, Relationships, Spirituality

Evolution

February 10, 2009 by

As a therapist I have been heard more than once saying that our thoughts and actions affect our feelings and that by changing thought patterns and actions, we can change the way we feel. Usually, one of the ways I talk about changing thought patterns is by changing our self-talk. That’s the internal narrative we carry on. So, for example, if we misstep we can say internally “oops” or we can say internally “I am such a mess” or “I can’t do anything right.” The words we tell ourselves program our feelings. We can in a situation like this either feel like it was a misstep or we can feel as if it was further proof of our inadequacy or of how much the universe has it in for us etc.

Well, I was raised by a mother who loved things and loved perfection. More than once, family members and I referred to my parents’ living room as “the museum of expensive furniture.” There wasn’t a ribbon or chain separating it from the foyer entrance, one step up, but no one, but no one trod on that perfect lavender carpet without permission. My father used to have the privilege of walking into the living room on Tuesday nights to wind the beautiful French clock on the wall because first thing Wednesday morning, the cleaning lady would vacuum the rug, ridding it of the telltale footprints. In all the years I lived in that house, I think I sat on the white cut-velvet sofa once. It was the day my in-laws came to visit for the first time.

Similarly, things were not to be moved from their proper places. Nothing was to be broken. Nothing could be disturbed. I was not allowed to cook because I might “ruin” one of the pots or break the blender or who knows what other ghastly sin I might commit. Things, particularly beautiful, expensive, perfect things, were important.

I tried to raise my children in a different way. I must admit, though, that every time we moved and furniture was scratched or torn or soiled, it bothered me. A lot.

As the years went by, I began to really think about the fact that things were only things. Even things that had great sentiment (such as the challah cover I embroidered while pregnant with my first son, during the Six-Day War that was missing for a couple of weeks) are only things. And things can be replaced. Things can be given away, sold, thrown away. They are not important. I have known that for years. I have said that for years. I use my fine china. If it breaks, it breaks. If I never use it, what’s the sense of having it? When the crystal glasses began to break, I threw them away. It was OK.

But today I realized that I really have evolved. As the stair rail men were removing the glass they had miscut, they scratched one of our brand new wooden steps. I said, “Look, there’s a scratch there” in a quiet, calm voice. I didn’t stay to see if they reacted. I went back into my office and continued to work. After a while, I thought, “Why am I not upset?” and the truth is, I am not. At all. I’ll try to touch it up with furniture polish, but it’s a thing.

Today, I will spend time with what’s important… some of my family members are getting together for a barbeque since Election Day is a vacation day. Now THEY are important!

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Ramblings, Relationships

The last week of renovations???

February 9, 2009 by

This was to be the last week. A couple of weeks ago they came and took measurements for the glass panels that will be our stair rail. Last week the stair people took out two defective steps. Yesterday everything was supposed to come together. Except no one showed up. Today the glass people called. The arrived shortly thereafter. They have the glass pieces. Unfortunately, they are not cut properly and instead of rectangle for the hallway rail, we have trapezoids. Instead of parallelograms on the panels going down the stairs, we have.. there was a reason that geometry wasn’t my favorite subject. And despite the fact that these guys were supposed to do a good job and that we are paying them for a good job, I feel terrible for them that we are going to insist they do it right. Otherwise we will be looking at our panels and seeing them crooked for as long as we can see.

So this is not going to be the last week. There will never be a last week. It will just go on and on and on.

So now I have a new form of wishing someone well. Instead of saying “As meah v’esrim” (may you live ’til 120), I will be saying “ad sof haShiputzim” (May you live until the end of renovations…. -at least-)

Filed Under: Family life, Israel, Ramblings
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