Traveling is a lot of fun. We have been seeing fields of yellow mustard growing in Hungary and Slovakia and Austria. We have seen quaint cobblestone streets in Bratislava and Vienna. We have seen alpen views of snow tipped mountains encased in clouds and the sun peeking out from behind. We have seen forsythia and lilacs and trees lush with apple blossoms. Ah… but what I would give for a keyboard that had the y and z where they are supposed to be….
It’s a small world; you have to behave yourself- II
May 8, 2006 by
This morning we were driving to Jerusalem and as happens all too often, as I was driving in my lane, so was a motorcyclist – bent on self-destruction. It reminded me of something that happened many years ago.
As the time, I was about 40 years old. We were living in Fort Sill, Oklahoma. My husband was a chaplain on the Army base and I had my private practice in town. One day as I was driving on post, out of nowhere, speeding through a stop sign from a side street, came a motorcycle. I slammed on my brakes in time to just tip the back of the bike. The rider fell off, but immediately got up. I was shaken. A man who was driving a truck behind me saw the whole thing and said that he would call the military police. The motorcyclist begged him not to call the police. He said that there had already been a number of motorcycle accidents in the unit and if this one came to the attention of his commander, then no one would be able to ride. The man from the truck suggested that perhaps the fact that he was speeding, had run a stop sign, and was wearing neither gloves nor helmet (both of which were required on the post) might also have something to do with his reluctance to call the police. The cyclist assured both of us that he was just fine and that we shouldn’t worry about him.
The man from the truck gave me his name and phone number should I need a witness. All three of us left the area.
Later my husband came home. He said he had had a rough day. I asked if it was rougher than hitting a guy on a motorcycle. He then asked me if the motorcycle was black with red flames on the side and yellow flames coming out of the top. I asked how he knew. He said that he was walking near his office and saw a soldier standing next to his motorcycle and trying to fix something on it. My husband asked him what was wrong. He told him that he had been riding his motorcycle on the post and all of a sudden this old lady came barreling along the street and hit him. She had been going 80 miles an hour. The military police had arrested her.
I wonder if he ever imagined that he was talking to that old lady’s husband!
Shame
May 3, 2006 by
The following article is taken in entirety from today’s Jerusalem Post www.jpost.com
May. 3, 2006 18:25
Soldier refuses to shake Halutz’s hand
By JPOST.COM STAFF
A soldier being honored at a national ceremony on Wednesday refused to shake the hand of Chief of General Staff Lt.-Gen. Dan Halutz in protest against the disengagement from the Gaza Strip and northern Samaria last August.
The soldier, Cpl. Hananel Meged said that when he saw Halutz, all he could think of was the bulldozers razing his grandfather’s house in Gush Katif. His grandfather passed away shortly after he was relocated from his home.
The IDF said that, following the incident, Meged’s nomination as an outstanding soldier would be re-examined. The official response stated that such behavior was political, was not appropriate and there was no place for it in the armed forces.
The event, attended by President Moshe Katsav, Interim Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Halutz, and a large crowd of veteran soldiers, represented a salute to the veterans and an appreciation of 120 soldiers singled out for outstanding service. Meged was nominated to be honored because “In spite of the difficulty experienced from his personal loss, he continued to function and contribute to the unit.”
During the ceremony, the chief of staff stressed the importance of maintaining a “strong and united IDF.”
Following the incident, the president reproached the soldier. Halutz said that the matter should be given a day or two in order to consider how to proceed.
On the other hand, some of the families who were evicted from Gush Katif last summer called Meged to laud him for his actions, Army Radio reported.
************************************************************************
Let me get this right. The soldier was judged to be outstanding. However, the sight of the chief of staff reminded him of the expulsion of his grandfather from the home that he had legally built and lived in—the expulsion that possibly contributed to the death of his grandfather. His act of disobedience was to refuse to shake the hand of one who had overseen that operation. He did not shout, curse, walk out, hold up a sign. He registered his feelings by refusing to shake a hand. And now they are thinking of re-examining his nomination???
Shame on them. Shame on them for throwing innocent people out of their homes, providing no adequate alternative housing, providing no alternate sources of employment, for demonizing these people – all for the vain hope that the Arabs in Gaza would settle down and stop targeting Israel. Well, a fine plan that was. The power plant in Ashdod is their prime target, and now, with their ability to get closer to it without the intervening Israeli communities, it is only a matter of time… And they are going to re-examine his nomination??????
Shame.
We remember them all
May 2, 2006 by
They are so beautiful. I see them on the television today. One after another. Little boys and girls, teens, men, and women. They lived only a few short years. They died before they grew up, before they had a chance to marry, before their children were old enough to leave home. They were like the branches on a blossoming tree, cut off in full bloom, never allowed to bear fruit.
They leave mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, whose lives are lived in the shadow of pain, never really believing that their loved ones will not return to them, hoping that this is some cosmic mistake that will be corrected.
They died defending their people, their land from those who desire our destruction. Many died only because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time when some homicidal maniac decided that blowing up the innocent was a way into heaven.
Today we remember them all. In pictures and films we see their smiles, their laughter, and the warmth and affection they shared with those they loved. We embrace their loved ones and we pray that our enemies will begin to place more value on their own lives than on hating and destroying others.
For more about today, see trilcat.blogspot.com
A story with a moral
May 1, 2006 by
It was another one of those days in Israel when nothing makes sense. My daughter, having gotten her nails built before her wedding, has urged me to treat myself and finally today, I did.
The woman who builds nails is a lovely young woman with a pretty face that is almost perpetually smiling and an inviting manner. She enjoys what she does and I think more than anything, she enjoys talking with people.
And so, as we made small talk, she mentioned that her father was her hero. He is a really special person, she told me. She said that he owns a pet shop in a nearby town and I asked her where.
A couple of months ago, my daughter dog-sat. Her friend has a pretty white dog called Barbie and Barbie was a guest at my daughter’s house for three weeks or so. This delighted my daughter’s male dog, Poofy. However since her owners had been assured that Barbie was “’fixed,†no one worried about any consequences.
Shortly after my daughter’s wedding, she received word that Barbie was “with pups.†Clearly they were Poofy’s since only he had means, motive AND opportunity.
About a week ago, Barbie gave birth to 5 little white pups.
Whose owner buys dog food at the nail-builder’s father’s store.
The moral of the story: It’s a small world; you have to behave yourself.
Changing minds
April 30, 2006 by
I recently had a client who was determined to change his wife’s mind about something that he disagreed with. He was frustrated and upset that she wouldn’t “listen to reason.†He had explained to her how ridiculous her point of view was. He had told her that her thoughts and beliefs defied logic. Somehow, all of that had failed to convince her.
How is it that people change their minds?
Interestingly enough, the answer is embedded in the question. People, over time, develop thought and beliefs that are based on their experience, knowledge, and interactions with others. Once formed, those thoughts and beliefs become part of the person. They help him or her define who he/she is. As long as those thoughts and beliefs enable him/her to go about life in a reasonably good way, they remain unquestioned and firm.
However, when these thoughts and beliefs are challenged or questioned, a person must then either examine them or defend them. For most people, these thoughts and beliefs are so much part of them that questioning them would require a major internal reorganization. So what they do is to defend them. If the person came to these thoughts and beliefs in a reasoned way, then he/she will have a logical argument or facts to back up his/her point of view. If they were formed because of experiences, then he/she may have personal examples he/she can cite that make the thoughts and beliefs seem valid and reasonable.
However, if, upon examination, the person finds that his/her facts were wrong or the conclusions he/she drew were not well founded, then he or she can change his/her mind.
And therein lies the challenge. Because when we have formulated thoughts and beliefs that have become part of ourselves, it is very hard to give them up, even when we may understand that they are not well thought out or valid any longer. Coming to a different point requires quite literally, a change of mind. All of the neural pathways that we have been reinforcing for a long period of time now need to be changed. Now, A no longer leads to B, it leads to C, and that is difficult to hold onto when it has led to B for so long.
In many cases people really resist change. They say things like “that’s the way I am†and “I have always disliked (fill in the blank) and I always will†and despite facts to the contrary, they will maintain their old thoughts and beliefs.
For people who like to influence others, it is important to know a few things:
1. Change of thoughts and beliefs takes time. People do not change overnight and certainly not as the result of one discussion, no matter how hot and heavy. You can wear someone down, but that doesn’t mean you’ve changed his/her mind. Change is a process that goes on internally and pushing from the outside does not hurry the inside.
2. The more one badgers the other, the less likely the other is to consider the facts and arguments on the other side. When badgered and nagged, people generally will try all the harder to hold onto what they believe. Generally it will cause the other to solidify his/her opposition to the new idea. At that point it becomes a struggle for his/her identity and integrity as a person.
3. Arguing beyond a certain point may yield what looks like victory, but in the end, the other will either return to opposition later or passive aggressively oppose the other side.
How to be effective:
Trust that the other person is a healthy, intelligent person and that he/she is capable of thinking for him/herself and that if he/she is given information, he/she will examine it and decide what to do with it.
Give the person the time and space to consider things. Understand that relationships are not about how wins and who loses, who converts who to their point of view. Relationships are about mutual respect, so be respectful.
Be patient.
And most of all, understand that you yourself might sometimes need to rethink your own thoughts and beliefs.
Secrets of the Universe Revealed– Teflon Calories
April 25, 2006 by
There are lots of things that are true that most people don’t know. If you are like most people, then you have come to the right place because this is the first of several (don’t ask me how many; I have no idea) pieces on secrets of the universe.
Before I go further, I must put in a slight disclaimer: For years I have had clients come to me with all sorts of problems. What many of them reported to me was that there were things I said that helped them. Some of the things I said were truths. Others were thoughts that help people see things in a new way that perhaps is more entertaining, less toxic, and allows for more options. That is the intent of this piece and those that follow. If you take this seriously as diet advice, well, you may need more help than I can give over the computer.
And now to the topic of the day: Teflon calories
As you well know, when a woman eats, she adds calories. These calories conspire to conglomerate on her waist, midriff, stomach and other mentionable and unmentionable areas. Many women (myself included) don’t even need to eat for these calories to gain a foothold. Just the smell can add calories. Walking by a pizza place can make me gain a pound. Walking past any place that makes French fries can yield two pounds. Looking in a bakery window one time cost me five pounds.
However, all is not bleak. There are times when calories become Teflon. No matter how much they may want to stick, they keep falling off. Here are some of those times:
1. You child’s/grandchild’s birthday— It is well-known that birthday cake of a child or grandchild always contains calories that are Teflon for the mother or grandmother. It has to do with a very complicated genetic effect caused by the combination of the child’s blowing out of the candles (let’s not talk about what that does to the cake for the rest of the people) and the mother/grandmother’s DNA. Take it from me. I am related to a very famous geneticist and I am certain she will vouch for me.
2. Food that doesn’t taste good — If you are as polite (or obsessed with food) as I am, you may sometimes eat something that doesn’t taste good. It almost tastes good, but after you eat it, you realize that it didn’t and it really wasn’t worth the calories. Well, I have good news for you: if it didn’t taste good, the calories don’t stick.
3. Food you eat when you are being noble and need some reassurance – also called “comfort food,†usually carbs, the calories don’t stick when you are feeling as if you will take off someone’s head if you don’t have that ice cream right now or if you can’t write one more word of that paper without a serving of mashed potatoes. The bad thing is that the calories only become Teflon in true emergencies. The rest of the time they just pile on and laugh at you as you hope they are ignoring you.
I hope this has helped. Of course now you understand why I am particularly delighted with the birth of every new grandchild…
I didn’t know the gun was loaded
April 24, 2006 by
It happens all the time. For some people it’s things they say. They speak without thinking and then realize (or worse yet, don’t!) that they have said something to hurt or offend another. For them, it’s sometimes “open mouth, engage foot.†For others, it’s not just a remark, but an entire conversation that they suddenly realize could have been thought of as hurtful or that causes the other person to reduce contact or react angrily.
People can err on both sides of the communication spectrum. They can be so very careful of what they say that it is almost impossible to engage them in a real conversation. They are worried that what they say may be taken the wrong way or may not be something that people would generally agree with. On the other side is the person who just talks without giving any thought to what he or she is saying. Both of these approaches are problematic. But both are attempts that people make to solve the same problem.
And the problem is this: how do I express myself—my thoughts, opinions, experiences without making others uncomfortable or worse yet, oppositional to me. For people on the quiet end of the spectrum, their solution is to just remain silent a good deal of the time. Abraham Lincoln said “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.†These people must be drawn out and often what they have to say is worthwhile hearing because they have taken the time to think things out. When they remain silent, they may be feeling emotions that have no outlet and then they can build resentments, anger, and fears that could be alleviated by a simple exchange of words.
On the other side of the spectrum, people decide, “it’s too much trouble to worry about how people will react. I will just “tell it like it is†and if they don’t like it, well, tough.†So some of these people will talk even before a fully formulated thought is present, making it up as they go along. If they are bright and talented, they can often get away with it, but if they aren’t, well, sometimes people will just stop listening.
All of us err in both directions from time to time, but of course the middle road would be the desirable one. A person should think before he or she speaks. His words should be chosen so as to convey the meaning he or she intends, and he or she should think about the person who is receiving the message and whether the message will in any way hurt or offend the other. If so, then rewording or rethinking the utterance might be advisable.
In Jewish life we have the concept of shemirat halashon, watching or guarding one’s tongue. It’s not such a bad idea.
Jumping in with both feet
April 18, 2006 by
When one of my sons was in nursery school, the teacher came up with an original idea for a mother’s day gift. She filled several dishpans with paint and she asked the four year olds to take off their shoes and socks and then step into a dishpan so that with their paint covered feet they could make footprints on the large pieces of paper she had laid out on the ground. As she recounted the experience to me later that day, one by one the children refused to step into the dishpans. They thought they would get their feet dirty. They thought their mother would be angry. They thought the feel of paint on their feet would be yucky. They simply refused. Until she came to my son. She told me that when it came his turn, he quite literally jumped in with both feet.
Well, to tell the truth, he was always that sort of child. He never did anything halfway. When he was angry, he was angry, and when he was happy, his little face glowed. When he was being sneaky, it was as if his ears grew into little points. The child was simply fully present in his own life. There was no reserve, no holding back, and although sometimes his enthusiasm overwhelmed me, he seemed to make the most of every experience.
I thought of him as I have been watching our newest family member make his transition into the family. Two years ago, our older daughter’s husband came into the family in such a natural way, that it almost seems as if he has always been one of us. He put time and energy into getting to know our daughter’s children and establishing a close relationship with each one. He is loved and respected by all of his new extended family. Since then, five new babies have been born! It must have been daunting for our new son-in-law to suddenly be faced with 21 nieces and nephews! I can’t even imagine how he will learn all of the names. But, to my delight, he has jumped in with both feet– talking with, playing with, and spending time with the children, really getting to know them. At the wedding, many of the nieces and nephews sang a song to their “Aunt Leah†that included a welcome to “Uncle Yaakov.†All of us are happy to welcome him to the family!
(note: for those interested in seeing the family, most of us are on a picture associated with an earlier entry “The Wedding.” For more family pictures, you can go to: http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AYs2rJi2csIc
What Jugglers Know
April 16, 2006 by
I never knew that when my daughter got married I would be gaining not just a son-in-law but a glimpse into a whole new world, the world of juggling.
This being the middle of Passover (Chol HaMoed), Israel is having its annual juggling convention at a lovely place called Gan HaShlosha (Sachne). It is a beautiful park with pools of water and waterfalls up in the north of the country not far from Bet Shean.
When I drove the young couple to the convention, I hadn’t expected to see anything but people juggling. When I got there, I was overcome by the variety of people attending—from all walks of life—all sizes, shapes, colors, dressed in every possible type of garb one could imagine.
Here is what I saw: These people were friendly, kind, helpful to each other, accepting, open, and enjoying themselves. It seems to me that they have found through their avocation, some of the secrets of living a good life. Some of the things they know are:
1. When your neighbor drops something, help him pick it up, just as he will pick up when you drop
2. Pay attention to where you throw things.
3. Keeping a lot going at a time requires concentration.
4. Handling a lot of things at once sometimes makes you look awkward.
5. Accomplishing difficult things takes lots and lots of practice.
6. You can always learn more.
7. It is legitimate to enjoy life.
I left the jugglers in a teeming rain by the pools of water and waterfalls, surrounded by bougainvillea and lush trees and grass and through the pouring rain there was the sound of laughter and the beauty of joy.