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Purim

March 4, 2007 by

Oy. Another Purim has come and almost gone. It seems that every year the family increases in size. Of course, that is because it does. Last year, we gained 3 new members, one by marriage and two by birth. That means a lot of chairs to be set up in the living room where on each of the last 7 years my husband has read the megillah to our gathered tribe. It is a happy happy time. We sit amid a sea of beautiful faces with big smiles and fancy costumes and we read of the Jews’ miraculous deliverance from the evil Haman and his followers.

And there is a sense of vulnerability about the whole experience– not just reading of what could have happened to us in Biblical times, but thinking about the threats that have existed to our physical survival over the last 7 years or so with terrorists blowing up buses, restaurants, shopping centers, clubs, bars, and hotels. And then we look out at the Iranian threat and we understand why we are commnded to remember. The world’s memory is all too short. The Holocaust is still a vivid memory for people who survived it and are alive today, and yet knowledge of the horror that occurred is not enough to influence people in the US and in Europe that madness can take hold and innocent people can be murdered by the millions.

So I sit here and look at all these beautiful little people with bright smiles and sharp minds and hearts filled with love, and I pray that the history books will record their era as one in which the evil are brought low and goodness fills the earth.

Filed Under: Family life, Israel, Ramblings, Spirituality

Almond Trees

January 31, 2007 by

One of the things I love about Israel is that we have such a short period of time when there isn’t beautiful vegetation everywhere. The leaves barely finish falling from the trees when buds appear heralding the arrival of a whole new crop. In our garden, the plum tree and pomegranate tree have just completed shedding their leaves and already the pomegranate tree has its buds at the ready.

In Israel, however, the tree that is the true harbinger of spring is the almond tree. Each year, it is the first to blossom. During the time that it is bare, the almond tree is barely noticeable. As I would drive through the Jerusalem Forest, home from teaching, I would see only bare empty branches of unidentifiable trees. But today, on my way home, there they were– the delicate white almond blossoms attesting to the fact that spring will come once again. In bloom, the trees are beautiful. They are graceful and elegant.

And they made me think about marriages. Why? Because I am a marriage and family therapist– everything makes me think about marriages!! But I thought about the fact that marriages too have seasons. There are times when the branches are bare. The marriage exists, it remains, but it is not giving off anything special. The husband and wife continue to function, to raise their family, to meet their obligations, but life is just there, to pass through the days and weeks. Couples who are experiencing a winter in their relationship sometimes come into therapy defeated. The love and passion seem to be gone. The feeling of being part of something special has faded. As a therapist, I try to give them hope. Sometimes I have to help them to move toward their spring. But given the will and the desire, their spring does arrive. Suddenly their love buds once more and blooms in a deeper richer way than ever before. They learn how to make that spring appear. They learn that even though circumstances may someday impose another winter, that following it, they can make spring appear once again.

But how do they bring on the spring? Both husband and wife have to take 100% of the responsibility. They cannot wait for the other to do his/her part. Each needs to make the relationship their top priority. They have to try to recapture inside themselves the warm feelings they had for their spouse. They have to do kind things for the spouse, express their love and appreciation, reminisce about happy times, share hopes, plans, and desires. Each must be ready to listen to the other with an open heart. They must hear each other out and then respond honestly without trying to defeat or hurt the other. They must try to problem solve– understanding that sometimes there is a compromise and sometimes they will be able to have things their way and sometimes they will cede their own wishes as a gift of love.

Every couple has winters in their relationships. As they grow in their love and commitment to each other, their winters can become shorter and the springs can become the dominant seasons of their lives.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Israel, Relationships

In Search of Miracles

December 25, 2006 by

These days I find myself in a not-so-good mood. The latest reason for my anger at our suicidal government is a headline that says: IDF Intel: Hamas threat will be significantly worse in a year. No surprise, of course, to me. But apparently, our Prime Minister believes that making more and more “gestures” to the folks who are only disagreeing with Hamas on the tactics of bringing about our demise will somehow bring about the peace that we desire. Of course the peace that Israel desires is a bit different than the peace the Arabs desire. In their megalomaniacal brains, peace will come when there are no longer any Jews living in Israel– or perhaps, when there are no longer any Jews living at all. But, there goes Mister Olmert, intoxicated by his own ego, blithely removing 27 checkpoints (places where terrorists wearing explosive belts can be stopped before they blow up Israelis in buses and restaurants and malls) and offering to free Arab prisoners as a “goodwill” gesture while they continue to hold our kidnapped soldier. It makes me sick. This man is gambling not just with my life and the lives of my children and grandchildren, but the entire future of Jewish life in Israel. And let”s not even talk about the rearming of Hezbollah.

In a recent poll, something like 33% of Israelis said that what will save Israel in the future are miracles. We had just better start praying harder.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings

Travel

December 22, 2006 by

One thing that Israelis like to do is travel. Go anywhere in the world that Jews can travel without getting killed (you can understand which countries are off limits) and there you will find an abundant supply of Israelis.

The first time I noticed it was when as a college student I was traveling through Europe. In Rome, I climbed to the top of the “Wedding Cake” monument to Victor Emmanuel and what did I find? Yep. Two Israelis. I have since done a lot of traveling (after all, in March of 1998, I officially became an Israeli!) and there we are– everywhere I look– at the top of the Festung in Salzburg, in the Salt Mines in Werfen, on a city tour bus in Budapest, in Moscow and St. Petersburg, on a boat on the Li River in Guilin, China. We are everywhere.

And in addition, we love to explore our own country. Many Israelis enjoy hiking and discovering all of the wonders of our land. Like us, many Israelis go three or four or five times a year to places in Israel they have never visited before to learn about the history (and every rock here has a history!), to see the enchanting views, to see the wildflowers, the migrating birds, the mountain ibexes, the waterfalls and pools. This is indeed a wondrous land and maybe the fact that Israel is so jam-packed with interesting places is what makes us believe that the world must be filled with additional places of interest.

One thing we Israelis love to do is to make contact with Jews living in cities throughout the world. There is a certain excitement about finding “family” wherever we go. Their very existence gladdens us and our visits to them strengthen both them and us.

It came as no surprise to me to find that Jews were involved in trade from earliest times, traveling the silk and spice routes, interacting with other cultures. When we were in China, many of the parallels between their culture and ours struck us as needing to have come from an interplay of the cultures. Certainly the private prayer of the Emperor in the Temple of Heaven for a good harvest reminded us of the high priest going into the Holy of Holies, the inner chamber of the Temple in Jerusalem, on Yom Kippur. The structure of their palaces and gardens was not dissimilar to the structure of the tabernacle in the wilderness and the Temple in Jerusalem.

The experience of traveling, whether in Israel or outside of it is always interesting and offers the opportunity to appreciate the vastness of creation, the beauty of the Earth, and, as Jews, our special place in the universe.

Filed Under: China, Israel, Ramblings, Spirituality

The Day After

October 16, 2006 by

It’s the day after Simchat Torah, at least here in Israel. We had a wonderful holiday season this year. The weather was perfect for eating in the sukkah. It was neither too warm nor too cool. On Thursday, we had the briefest drizzle here in Modi’in with the sun shining brightly and no clouds overhead. Today, as we were taking down our sukkah and packing it up for next year, a heavy rain came along, the first of the season, and our whole garden became a wonderland. Now in the bright sunshine, the leaves glisten.

You see, the last rain was sometime in the Spring. It was likely in March or April, and the desert sands have been blowing past ever since, so that even though we irrigate, the drips of water that land on the soil beneath the plants does not serve to free them of their dusty coating.

But today, everything is fresh and new.

And the rain really feels like a blessing.

May our blessings increase.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings

The Grapes and a Bath

October 10, 2006 by

Sukkot in Israel is one of the many highpoints of the year. Holidays, especially those with intermediate days, turn into reasons to have activities for adults and children that are enjoyable, colorful, and reasonably priced throughout the country.

Yesterday we went to a grape-stomping event at the winery in Gush Etzion– “we” meaning my husband and I and our granddaughter Hadas who is spending some of her vacation with us and our daughter-in-law and 5 of her 6 children and two friends of her oldest son’s.

We walked through the vineyards, cut some grapes from the vines, put them in a big wagon, and then the collected grapes were brought to another location where the children were able to take off their shoes, wash their feet, and step into a container where they stomped the grapes. For a modest price, empty labelled bottles were sold into which the strained grape juice was poured.

At the end of the day, we all were tired, warm, and spotted with grape juice. However, it was an experience to remember. You can see the pictures here. Yael’s face says it all!

Filed Under: Israel

“I’m depraved because I’m deprived”

October 1, 2006 by

When I was very young, one of the shows I loved was “West Side Story,” whose music was written by Leonard Bernstein and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim. The music was magnificent and the dancing was wonderful and the songs were memorable. One of the most memorable songs was “Gee, Officer Krupke.” “ACTION” is one of the characters.

ACTION
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
You gotta understand,
It’s just our bringin’ up-ke
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks.
Golly Moses, natcherly we’re punks!

ACTION AND JETS
Gee, Officer Krupke, we’re very upset;
We never had the love that ev’ry child oughta get.
We ain’t no delinquents,
We’re misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

ACTION
There is good!

ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

SNOWBOY: (Spoken) That’s a touchin’ good story.

ACTION: (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!

SNOWBOY: Just tell it to the judge.

ACTION
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their marijuana,
They won’t give me a puff.
They didn’t wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin’ lizards! That’s why I’m so bad!

DIESEL: (As Judge) Right!

Officer Krupke, you’re really a square;
This boy don’t need a judge, he needs an analyst’s care!
It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He’s psychologic’ly disturbed!

ACTION
I’m disturbed!

JETS
We’re disturbed, we’re disturbed,
We’re the most disturbed,
Like we’re psychologic’ly disturbed.

DIESEL: (Spoken, as Judge) In the opinion on this court, this child is depraved on account he ain’t had a normal home.

ACTION: (Spoken) Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived.

DIESEL: So take him to a headshrinker.

ACTION (Sings)
My father is a bastard,
My ma’s an S.O.B.
My grandpa’s always plastered,
My grandma pushes tea.
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress.
Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess!

A-RAB: (As Psychiatrist) Yes!
Officer Krupke, you’re really a slob.
This boy don’t need a doctor, just a good honest job.
Society’s played him a terrible trick,
And sociologic’ly he’s sick!

ACTION
I am sick!

ALL
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like we’re sociologically sick!

A-RAB: In my opinion, this child don’t need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!

ACTION: Hey, I got a social disease!

A-RAB: So take him to a social worker!

ACTION
Dear kindly social worker,
They say go earn a buck.
Like be a soda jerker,
Which means like be a schumck.
It’s not I’m anti-social,
I’m only anti-work.
Gloryosky! That’s why I’m a jerk!

BABY JOHN: (As Female Social Worker)
Eek!
Officer Krupke, you’ve done it again.
This boy don’t need a job, he needs a year in the pen.
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he’s no good!

ACTION
I’m no good!

ALL
We’re no good, we’re no good!
We’re no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

DIESEL (As Judge)
The trouble is he’s crazy.

A-RAB (As Psychiatrist)
The trouble is he drinks.

BABY JOHN (As Female Social Worker)
The trouble is he’s lazy.

DIESEL
The trouble is he stinks.

A-RAB
The trouble is he’s growing.

BABY JOHN
The trouble is he’s grown.

ALL
Krupke, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Officer Krupke,
We’re down on our knees,
‘Cause no one wants a fellow with a social disease.
Gee, Officer Krupke,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke,
Krup you!

Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim.
© 1956, 1957 Amberson Holdings LLC and Stephen Sondheim. Copyright renewed.
Leonard Bernstein Music Publishing Company LLC, Publisher.

Bernstein and Sondheim in the fifties were poking fun at the inability of some people to understand that people are responsible for their actions. How we are brought up surely affects us, but ultimately, what we do with our lives is our choice. All of us have met people who bemoan their fate. No matter where they go and what they do, it seems to them that they are unappreciated, treated with disdain, and hurt. They are 50 years old and still blaming their parents for how their lives turned out.

Likewise, we have all met people who suffered terrible traumas in their lives– people who survived the Holocaust, people who suffered the loss of a parent when young or serious injury or extreme poverty and they have nonetheless created for themselves good lives. In addition, many of them devote their lives to helping others, remembering how they themselves felt during their hard times.

One of my favorite examples of the latter is Natan Sharansky who in his book “Fear No Evil” talks about his time in the Soviet prisons and how he decided that the Soviets may have control over his body, but they would never take control of his mind– who he was as a person. He describes in detail how he kept his sanity, by drilling himself on Biblical verses he remembered and playing mental chess. He was imprisoned, but he was always free. When he was finally released, he was a whole human being, ready to resume life with optimism.

When I hear people trying to “understand” terrorists, I cringe. Terrorists are evil people. They want to kill innocent people, men, women, and children– the more, the better. They are not that way because they are poor (Bin Laden, for example, is a multi-millionaire). They are not that way because they are humiliated (ever try showering in jr. high school after gym class as an underdeveloped 13 year old girl?– I never even thought of putting on an explosive belt and murdering the girls who were mocking me.) Terrorists are humanoid (having human form) beings whose entire reason for living is to kill and destroy. Otherwise, they would not be willing– anxious to kill themselves in the act. The more we try to “understand” them, the more we mock the goodness in the world.

I don’t want to “understand” a cancer cell for any other reason than to figure out how to destroy it. I don’t want to nurture it and see if maybe it will learn to behave. I want to be rid of it.

I fear that our liberal thinking has in it the seed of our destruction and it is time to see things as they are and not as we wish them to be.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings

Back from the North

September 12, 2006 by

It’s been a busy week. We had a visiting relative who we took to Jerusalem and then up north. It gave us the opportunity to see the north for the first time since the war and to spend a little money where it’s needed.

We were surprised to see very little damage in the area where we traveled although there was a minor rocket hit in an alley not far from where we stayed.

I had forgotten how beautiful the land is. I love the starkness of the hills, dotted with acacias and sycamores and olive trees. I love the stone streets and alleys and the shuttered stone dwellings.

Of course, Jerusalem is the crowning glory, and so we spent time there too. I have uploaded some of the pictures to this site.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings

Life goes on

September 3, 2006 by

Life has been busy lately.

On Thursday we went to the rally in Rabin Square in Tel Aviv. We left our home in Modi’in, drove to Ben Gurion Airport, and took the train into the city, assuming that traffic and parking would be difficult. We walked about 20 minutes to the rally which was well-attended– depending on who you ask, there were between 60K and 100K people there. That’s pretty impressive for a country of under 7 million when everyone in the country agrees that the soldiers need to come home. the people there were not protesting anything– rather giving strength to the families and appealing to our own leaders and leaders throughout the world to do whatever it takes to bring these young men home. Most impressive was Rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau’s (former chief rabbi of Israel, current chief rabbi of Tel Aviv) challenge to Nasrallah that as another man of religion, to show himself as a compassionate human being… as a father who himself lost a son, who should know what it feels like to have that sort of pain, he should be ready to deal kindly.

Of course, as far as I am concerned, asking Nasrallah to act like a compassionate human being would be like asking a snake to walk on all four of his legs. I don’t think that he is capable of human feelings of compassion and kindness. Several years ago, I referred to him as an animal and my daughter reminded me that I was insulting her dog who would never act cruelly unless he really felt a personal threat.

So we went and we displayed our concern for the suffering of the families, and these young men are never out of our consciousness as we, along with the rest of the people of Israel, wait for their return.

On Friday morning, a friend of a friend arrived in Israel for a first visit and since then we have been introducing him to Israel. Last night, after dark, we went to the Western Wall (the Kotel) and found it full of people from all over Israel as well as plenty of tourists.

In the air was the sound of the shofar and the sound of a small band of seminary students playing the music of traditional prayers. The air was cool and clear. We walked through the stone alleys of the Jewish Quarter. We noted that the Hurva Synagogue, long a symbol of the destruction of the city by the Jordanians after the War of Independence– readily identified by the single arch reminiscent of the former roofline– is being reconstructed. The arch was gone and the area was full of construction materials. We are still rebuilding Jerusalem.

Jerusalem is a treasure. It is our place. It is our home. Jerusalem is a magical city.

Filed Under: Israel, Ramblings

At loose ends

August 25, 2006 by

One of the things I learned as a young mother is that children need structure. Their world needs to be predictable. They need to know what to expect. That structure and predictability are part of what provides security.

Well, here I am, an adult, at least chronologically, and with the end of the active warfare, I am still at loose ends. The war, in a way, provided a structure. The bad guys are trying to kill my people. The good guys are putting on uniforms to go and defend us. We are going to fight until the bad guys give up and understand they can’t do this any more.

But that isn’t what happened. The bad guys (shorthand for the people who want to kill all of my relatives) still have their weapons, still have designs on killing us, and through some sick (and I really mean SICK) process, the sympathy of the world.

So yes, I am at loose ends.

But I am convinced it’s not just I who am not able to resume real life. Today at the supermarket I bumped into a friend. She said that she was looking forward to going to a musical evening because she’s been so out of sorts. She told me that this morning she had burst out crying.

I knew what she meant because there are times when after reading or listening to the news or even just thinking about the situation our country is in, I feel on the verge of tears.

Our Prime Minister is out of touch with reality, still thinking that concessions will win us love. Our Defense Minister didn’t know that Hezbollah was a real threat. Our Army Chief of Staff ran a campaign that was ill-equipped, ill-designed, and didn’t achieve any of the country’s objectives. Our President is being questioned about sexual harrassment allegations as is our formerJustice Minister (he resigned this past week)…

And Iran is still saying that it will destroy us and the UN whose charter such a statement violates, has said and done nothing. The Iranians continue to work on their uranium enrichment program and people think that we have plenty of time to do something to prevent them from attacking not just us, but the rest of the non-Islamic world.

It feels like events are just spinning out of control.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Israel
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