There are a few things that are, for me, principles of parenting that should not be violated. One of them is that parents should not lie to their children.

To me, it seems like a “no-brainer.” Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, they cannot feel safe and secure. That means that they should be able to trust the things that we tell them. Therefore, except in rare, extreme situations, we should be very careful to tell them the truth.

So it came as a shock to me that today I heard of two instances where the parents lied to their children. They lied when there was no good reason to lie. One lied because it was easier for her than explaining things to her children and the second lied because she wanted to say what she needed to say to calm her daughter down.

In the case of the first mother, her lie will become clear when the family is invited to the wedding of their uncle and his “wife” who, their mom told them, were already married. The children will find out. It’s a sure thing. And then what will they think of their mother?

The second case, though is much more toxic. In this case, the teenage daughter had feelings of not being respected and not being taken seriously. She had good reason not to trust her mother who had failed to protect her in the past. She pleaded with me to ask her mother to honor a very reasonable request she had made of her. I did so. The mother told me that she would comply with her daughter’s request. I spoke with the daughter and told her that her mother had agreed. Today, three days later, the mother called in a panic. The daughter had become very angry and upset. In the course of explaining what had gone on in the last couple of days, the mother spoke of having twice done what her daughter asked her not to do. The mother had called me to ask me to speak with her daughter. I said to her, “What about the promise you made to her?” She said, “I never promised.” I said, “You told ME that you would comply!” She said, “Well, that was for THAT day.” I told her that now that I had no credibility with her daughter since she had lied to me and I had vouched for her, she needs to find someone who will have credibility to help the daughter.

I think that what I did may have shocked the mother, but I needed to shock her because she has denied her daughter the most important gift we give our children, security. If a parent is not reliable, if a parent lies, if a parent pretends to respect the child and doesn’t, then the child will lack the security he or she needs to grow up whole and healthy.

I don’t think you have been listening. Recently I have heard too many very sad stories about families from the family therapists I am supervising. Or maybe I said it in a way that was not clear to you. So please, please, listen to me this time….

If you are a married person trying to create a successful family, this is something you must understand. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in your life is your spouse! THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP in your life is with your spouse. THE SECURITY OF YOUR FAMILY resides in the quality of your relationship with your spouse.

Let’s look at healthy people: They are people who know who they are because they have grown up in a loving, caring, considerate home where their mother and father have demonstrated the ability to value each other, discuss things, compromise, and most of all, RESPECT each other.

Take away the respect, consideration, caring and love between the parents and you get children who do not know boundaries, do not understand how to value others, do not understand what relationships are all about.

There are mothers who believe that they are all their children need. THEY ARE WRONG!!! The relationship between mother and father is the foundation of family life. The foundation cannot rest on pillars erected on only one side. The entire building will collapse. Children build their future relationships on those they have seen in the past, particularly the relationship between their parents which becomes the model for what they will do when they marry. Parents OWE their children the opportunity to experience a warm, loving, caring, and respectful relationship. No amount of spoiling and indulgence on the part of one parent will make up for that lack.

A long time ago I read somewhere that the best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. I couldn’t agree more. I would only add that the best gift a mother can give her children is to love their father.

Let’s talk about respect.

I get a lot of people coming to my blog searching for respect. Sometimes they are looking for respect from their children. Sometimes they want respect from their teens. I am going to try and help them get it today (and now you can have it too, without even asking!)

Here is the definition of respect from the free dictionary

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

So what parents are asking is that children be appreciative, that they honor and esteem them, and that they show them consideration. All of this makes perfect sense. After all, parents are the people who have cared for these children. They have given them food, clothing, shelter, and above all else, love. They have protected them, advocated for them, treated their bruises and wiped their noses. Children should appreciate them.

But is appreciation inborn? Well, there are theories that say it is not. In fact, when we are infants, we like being fed and cared for, but when the caregiver doesn’t show up at our beck and call, we get pretty peeved. We think that he/she is withholding from us what he/she should freely give. We don’t have the capacity to understand yet that we are not the center of the world.

In a normal home environment, a baby begins to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him/her. Perhaps it happens because he or she has siblings who also demand attention. Perhaps it is because his/her parents simply explain to the baby from a very young age that sometimes Mom or Dad is busy and the child will simply have to wait. At some point, most parents teach their children that waiting patiently is a good idea. That cannot be accomplished if after waiting, the child still does not receive what he’s been waiting for.

You see, for an infant and for a young child, the universe is very confusing (Sometimes I think we adults are fooling ourselves if we think that even we can figure it out). So what the child does is to try and figure it out by applying logic. The logic goes something like this: “I want something. I scream and yell and kick my feet and finally, they either give it to me or give me a cookie to shut me up.” What the child has learned is that crime *does* pay. If the parents are consistent and tell the child that, “If you can’t wait nicely, then you will not get it” and MEAN it, then the child will learn to wait nicely. He/she will figure out that crime doesn’t pay. It’s the consistency that children use to build their image of the world and what it offers and how to get it. A child who does a good deed for a parent on a whim (making the parent’s bed or taking out the trash) and is rewarded for it by smiles, hugs, or a similar gift of love from the parent, will understand that doing good produces good. If the parent doesn’t notice or says “but you didn’t make the bed right” or “you dropped some trash on the way out” and doesn’t show any appreciation, then the child doesn’t learn about appreciation and gratitude. In fact, he/she learns that trying to get good things from parents by helping in the house won’t work.

Children give us a myriad of opportunities to make the right decisions. No parent is 100% consistent, but the more consistent the parents are, the more predictable the world becomes for the children and the more the children will see the parents as people who are fair and stand by what they say. Respect is gained by being that consistent, predictable person that the child needs to help him/her figure out the world.

But that isn’t all. Of course it’s more complex than that. If a child doesn’t feel respected, he/she will not give respect. I have seen on many occasions the following type of dialogue between parent and child.

Parent: So which do you want, the red one or the blue one?
Child: I want the blue one.
Parent: But the red one is so much nicer.

So the child has been offered a choice. The parent then tells the child that he/she made the wrong choice. This is the ultimate in disrespect. If the parent wasn’t ready to accept either choice as equally valid, he/she should not have offered the choice at all and simply said, “I would like to buy you the red one.” A non-acceptable choice should never be offered by the parent.

Similarly, the parent needs to respect differences in tastes and perceptions as long as they are not harmful. A teenage girl should be allowed to buy clothing that the mother would not have chosen for her because of style, color, or pattern, but the mother has the perfect right to veto the purchase of something that is inappropriate to wear (too short, too revealing, etc.).

So I am not advocating the abandonment of standards, of course not! In fact, mother/father holding the child to standards is something that engenders respect from the child. They may resent mother/father imposing standards, but they respect the parent’s willingness to stand up for what they view as important. A parent who folds in the face of pressure is a parent who is less likely to be respected.

Finally, respect is something that is caught, not taught. If mother and father show respect for each other even when they differ, if the children see esteem and valuing on the part of the parents for each other and toward the children, they will come to be people who can value and appreciate their parents.

Visiting time boundaries

Fictional Donna and David have been working the last two days to enforce phone boundaries. It is difficult. Donna’s mother always has “one more thing” to say before she hangs up. Donna is working at a quick, “Well, I’ve got to go now, goodbye” hangup before her mother goes on to the next topic. David has less difficulty telling Donna’s parents that Donna is busy now and that he has a lot he needs to get done. David realizes that if he just changes his language, things go easier. If he tells Donna’s parents he “would like to” or “should” get something done, they continue talking. If he says that he “needs to” do something, they wind down a bit and he’s able to do the quickie, “thanks for calling, bye.” So they are seeing a bit of progress in their handling of her parents’ intrusions.

In general, now that Donna is beginning to see the problem as a boundary problem rather than something wrong with her parents or with her, she is less defensive and she sees that she and David are on the same side.

The next task they have is to teach Donna’s parents that there are boundaries on their visiting. That isn’t to say that Donna’s parents aren’t welcome. In fact, they can be delightful with the children and of course Donna has a great deal of affection for them. What they don’t want is for her parents’ controlling behavior to get in the way of the possibility of pleasant times together.

They have noticed a few conditions that seem to accompany negative interactions:

1. There are times when Donna’s parents just show up. They come in and expect Donna to drop everything to talk with them. Donna’s mother invariably comments that the house is “a mess.”

2. It seems that the longer they stay, the more controlling they become.

3. There are certain subjects that seem to set them off.

4. There are reactions that seem to make them become even more emphatic

With those in mind, let’s see what Donna and David can do.

The first thing is that they can tell Donna’s parents that they would really appreciate a call from them when they are thinking of visiting. That would allow Donna to let them know if it’s a good time for her and would enable her to get the house straightened up and to sit and talk with them rather than being in the middle of folding laundry or making a meal or some other household task. They should tell Donna’s parents that when the visits are spontaneous, Donna never feels as if she can just sit and enjoy their company and she would like them to see her at her best and not her frazzled worst!

When her parents call, she should be honest and tell them a time that is acceptable to her. She should also put a limit on the visit. “Mom, I would love for you come over at 10, but I am going to need to go out at about 11.”

She really should not discuss with her parents where she might be going or what she will be doing. That only encourages intrusiveness.

If there are subjects that set them off, then obviously, Donna and David should avoid them. If Donna and David encourage her parents to talk about their own activities, they will minimize the advice-giving. If there is really something that her parents can offer them in terms of experience and knowledge, they should ask her parents for help so that they will have the pleasure of helping their daughter.

David and Donna also need to become sensitive to the types of responses that make her parents go into high gear. One would be opposing their ideas or giving counter-examples. Donna’s mother, for example, may think that the baby will have colic if his feet aren’t covered even in 90 degree weather. Rather than opposing that as ridiculous, Donna and David can say “You might be right,” and nod their heads thoughtfully. Ideas and attitudes that have no immediate application should not be debated. When Donna’s parents are confronted, they will always charge on. The best thing to do is to listen and nod. The goal in interactions with them is not to win on logic and not to show how independent David and Donna are. It is to maintain a warm relationship. David and Donna are under no obligation to comply with her parents’ advice.

If Donna and David are able to begin building these boundaries, they will notice that the stress that they are under will begin to lessen and their own relationship will be enhanced.