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Renovations update

January 29, 2009 by

The Dr Savta house is still being renovated. I suddenly became inspired to rename my humble abode “the Dr Savta House” having watched Dr Phil this week while stationary bicycling at the gym. The thing that distinguishes it from the “Dr Phil House” is that here at Dr Savta’s we do not have drug-addicted people or people engaged in loud shouting matches (if you discount some of the gnashing of teeth over some of the renovation-related mis-adventures). We also have a smaller number of hidden cameras.

So where are we with the renovations? Well, the upstairs apartment is painted, the bathrooms are in and functioning, the lighting fixtures are hung, the counter between the living room and kitchen is in and we have most of the furniture either in, ordered, or identified (so that we know where to go to get what we need). Unfortunately, the bathtub was removed from the bedroom before I had a chance to take a picture to put on the wall labeled “the Kyle Room.” But life goes on…

In the downstairs apartment (where we have valiantly attempting to live our lives for lo these many weeks of upheaval and dust), we have the steps installed (all but the top one which had to be removed because the contractor still had to replace the marble he had removed from the landing when we discovered all of the electrical cables were running through the former steps and we had to have the house rewired and the cables had to go somewhere…) The uprights for the rail have been put in, but the rail, which will be glass, will not arrive for another week. The kitchen window area is still boarded up, but the window guy tells me that we will have it on Sunday. The new window sill that we have looks gorgeous. It is the same black granite as the rest of the kitchen counters and I love it! We also have to replace the windows in the laundry area of our kitchen. I hope that will happen sometime next week as well.

The piles of assorted household stuff remain a challenge. My office is finally straightened out– I threw out vast quantities of papers that had no future use… and now the big challenge is getting the library corner and the two back bedrooms straightened out. It’s daunting, but it will get it done. The whole house will eventually look great because it’s all freshly painted and soon to be neat.

Can Dr Phil say the same thing? I think not.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

It may have been worth it

January 19, 2009 by

The news from the Dr Savta house is that Dr Savta finally is able to walk up a proper flight of stairs. This is very exciting. Of course, there is no railing which means that although it is safe for us, until the man comes to measure and makes the large glass panels that will protect people from falling off the ends of the stairs, grandchildren under the age of about 10 are not invited to visit. (That means that about 19 little children will find themselves banned from the premises.)

But that’s OK, since the air pollution level in here is probably at the toxic waste dump level. Everything (and I do mean everything) is covered with white dust. Depending on how many times I have cleaned the surface, the amount of dust ranges from unbelievable to alarming. Take for example, the bathtub… My husband made the mistake of walking into the bathroom on the second floor yesterday. He said, “Oh no, what happened!” I went to him. He said, “Oh, it’s only dust.” The dust in that bathroom was so thick and beige colored that he thought they had painted the bathtub, sink, and toilet beige. But it is not wise to clean up there because there is still construction on its way. Today they painted the door frames throughout the house and now we have no doors hanging– not in our bedroom nor in our bathroom… another reason why grandchildren (and children as well) including those from 10-15 (that’s 10 of them) also are banned from the house.

But wait… there’s more! We are lengthening the area of our kitchen window. So, for now, the wall has been cut almost all the way through– meaning that the entire dairy side of the kitchen is mostly defunct (yeah, more prohibited people).

Today, I met with a man who is moving from the US to Modi’in. He works in the therapy field and wanted to know if we could chat a bit about the realities of providing therapy in Israel. When I told him that I would invite him to my home, but that we were doing renovations, I am pretty sure he didn’t believe me. So to food court we went. If I never eat at the food court again this year, I still will probably break the frequency record for 2009 for most meals eaten at the Modi’in Mall.

But I digress…

The steps look really good. The walls look clean and pretty. The electricity is all working. We probably have 2 more weeks of this to go, but I think in the end, the Dr Savta home will be beautiful.

Filed Under: Family life

Renovations 3: The horror

January 16, 2009 by

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.

Early one morning we moved all of the pictures, knicknacks, and other movable objects our of the living room, dining room, kitchen, and all of the bathrooms (there are 4) so that the painter could wield his magic brush. Well, to be brief, everything that we removed to all places that we could get them to were already bathed in a layer of dust that rendered all of them white. But, last night and this morning, one by one, we brought items back into the living room and dining room and dusted and washed and shone and repositioned them where they had come from. And then I made a very very bad mistake. I went upstairs.

We had moved books from the bookshelves in the hall into the back bedroom as well as some pictures we had hung on the walls. Also, the lamp from my office was there as well as other objects. We left the floor mostly free. Today, that room looked as if some evil gang had come into it and spread everything around to destroy it. The electrical equipment was scattered, a wire that had been attached to the phonograph was cut, the phone plug pulled out of the wall and missing, and numerous books, papers, framed pictures, and other easily damaged items were out on our screened porch. The room next to it was no better. It was as if someone very angry had decided to do as much damage as possible to someone’s home without setting fire to it.

Now this all worries me because the gentle, calm, painter is not an Israeli and although he might rationalize his actions by saying we didn’t move all of that stuff and he was in a hurry, to my eyes, it looked like “in a hurry” is not the full story.

In any case, I do not have the stomach to go upstairs for another couple of days. I am not overestimating when I say that I have more than a week’s worth of work to do in order to get the upstairs looking anything like home. The downstairs is still a work in progress, but I am hoping that in a couple of hours, it will look ready for shabbat.

So here is the moral of the story: do everything you need to do to a house before you move in and when it starts looking like it really needs improvements, call a real estate agent and find a new home. Take it from me. Moving was never this hard.

Filed Under: Family life

More happenings

January 11, 2009 by

It’s been a busy time. Our daughter gave birth to a baby boy in Monday night. Wednesday I brought her back from the hospital to her home where waiting for her were her husband and her 18 month old daughter who was running a fever. But nonetheless, I took off for home and packed my bag (unfortunately leaving out warm pajamas) because my husband and I were accompanying my oldest son, his son, and another grandson (the son of our older daughter) to Tiberias where our son was going to run his second marathon!

We drove to Tiberias which took more time than we had anticipated because we ran into traffic that was backed up for multiple kilometers, and by the time we arrived and checked in, we were ready for dinner. After dinner we went to the entertainment that is included at the all-inclusive “Golden Tulip” Tiberias. It was exactly the same entertainment was we had last year– the same young enthusiastic girl in the pseudo-military uniform (short skirt, of course) exuding charm as she ran slides that asked trivia questions about Israel and played a soundtrack with popular Israeli songs. We stayed about 10 minutes and opted for the room.

Our son and grandsons were in one room and we were in the other. We had forgotten that the hotel was blessed with neighbors (outdoor eateries) that blasted music until about midnight. In addition, the brilliant, energy-saving heating system that we had trouble getting to work blew cold air on us all night.

But morning finally came and despite the forecasts, the weather was perfect for a run! The start was exciting and the finish even more so as our son not only reached his goal in terms of time, but cut 11 minutes off his previous marathon!

We arrived home Thursday night tired, but happy.

Friday I had two goals: to make a really nice shabbat dinner and to help my daughter and her husband get ready for a shalom zachor. Fortunately, both of those things happened. My sister, who had wanted to learn to make potato kugel, was with me as I cooked which made it all much more fun. Helping with the cleanup at my daughter’s house (we’ve been changing her electric to three-phase which mean that the electrician has been drilling holes in her walls thereby making piles of dust) was satisfying and it gave me the opportunity to spend some time with my granddaughter and with the new baby.

In the evening, they made a lovely Shalom Zachor hosting some of their friends.

Today we went to a “Bubby-Mitzvah” of one of my friends. She chanted the haftarah beautifully and it was lovely to see her honored by the presence of her family and friends.

In the evening, we went to the engagement party of my distant cousin. His mother and I are third cousins, once removed, but partially because she lives here in Israel, we share a closeness and friendship that is very special. We wish the young couple, Avi and Shira, much happiness!

Oh, and the house…
Upstairs apartment now has tiled hallway and bathrooms! We still have no stairs. My sister is still sleeping on the sofa.

Life is anything but dull.

Two more things: Special thanks to my daughter Rachel and my son Akiva for their kindness and caring this week. I always love them, but this week, both of them showed themselves to be very very special people.

Filed Under: Family life

It’s a boy!

January 6, 2009 by

My younger daughter gave birth last night. Pictures are available here

Filed Under: Family life

Renovations III

January 4, 2009 by

The update is that the staircase will be delayed by yet another week. The tiling in the upstairs apartment is moving along slowly. The bedrooms there are painted (at least the first coat). The electrical work is still not completed (perhaps on Tuesday). We are still living in two areas: our living/dining/kitchen (where my visiting sister is also sleeping) and our bedroom. We finally have lights in the bedroom meaning that candlelit showers are now an option, rather than a requirement.

The larger renovations are taking place about a 2 hour ride south of us. We have the best of our youth and lots of moms and dads of young children working hard to prevent the killing of our civilian population. Interesting how everyone feels suddenly bad that innocent people might be hurt. Where were their bad feelings for the last 8 years as thousands of rockets and mortars were being lobbed into houses, kindergartens, shopping centers and other places that normal people frequent? How long would any civilized nation take random armed attacks on its population that resulted in death, destruction and serious trauma? How many countries would tolerate a situation that leads to a whole city full of children who are frightened to go to bed at night and need to sleep in their parents’ rooms and who are wetting their beds while the rockets and mortars continue to fly?

Here is what the news media aren’t telling you (and we civilians don’t even know all of the details). Before the home of a Hamas leader is struck, (remember, they are the ones who want all of us dead, the sooner the better) the army calls and warns them. They (the Hamas guys) then normally send their women and children up to the roof to act as human shields (nice, eh?) The Israel Army then sends a non-lethal missile that will explode nearby (not injuring anyone) to scare the women and children off the roof. After they leave the building, it is destroyed.

Now let’s think of other ways of stopping the violence:
1. Talking — they don’t want to talk to us; they want to destroy us.
2. Negotiating — uh, ditto
3. Begging — uh, double ditto

It is with a heavy heart that we expose our young men and women to the possibility of injury and death. But for us, there is no choice. We pray that the Hamas government will fall and that the Palestinian people in Gaza will have the chance for a future whose meaning does NOT all derive from our destruction, but one in which they will live their lives in happiness and strive for those things that enrich and ennoble one’s soul.

Filed Under: Family life, Israel

Thoughts

December 30, 2008 by

You know those lights that miners wear on their hats? You probably have seen “head lights”– those flashlights that one can put on one’s head so that one can work without holding a flashlight in one’s hands. Well, having lived in my bedroom and the adjoining master bath for several days with no electricity, I’m beginning to wonder what it will be like being able to use our bathroom without a head light. Even as I speak, I am so attired… take it off, it disappears (as do inanimate objects all too often).

I also wonder what it will be like to be able to look for the sweaters that are upstairs that I really could use just about now.

I wonder what it will be like to know which circuit breaker corresponds to which circuit (I had labeled them all, but since they were like tangled spaghetti in the staircase, the electrician , in providing his electrical “first aid” just connected anything to anything.) The important implication of this is that it would be helpful to know which circuit breaker (if any) corresponds to the water heater whose switch (of course) is upstairs! Normally, our hot water comes from solar heating, but we’ve been blessed with rain the last couple of days…

The electrician returns tomorrow. The tiles (for the floors and walls of the bathrooms on the third floor), the toilets, and the sinks are supposed to arrive tomorrow. We have chosen the colors for the painting of our house and the upstairs apartment. We still have to live through the cutting through the wall of the house to extend our kitchen window downward to the point that we can see out of it into the garden.

I wish we weren’t doing this now. I wish we had the ability to offer a home to a family from the south that is in need of shelter.

Please keep our defense forces and our civilian population, living in range of rockets and artillery, in your prayers.

Filed Under: Family life, Israel

Renovations II

December 28, 2008 by

Shabbat was a long, cold day. I hid under the blankets partially because of the cold and mostly because I was feeling really sick.

This morning, the electrician arrived. He thinks he has a solution. First, though, he performed emergency surgery– i.e., he sorted out many of the wires and reconnected some of them. We now have both dishwashers working, our oven, our heat (the most important), the lights in the kitchen, the fridge (although it is currently connected to a cable that is running from the third floor of the building through a window), the TV and VCR (which we almost never turn on anyway). What we are missing is all of the lights in our bedroom, the microwave, the fridge outlet– and who knows what else isn’t working upstairs (remember, we removed the steps so we have no idea of what is going on up there except that the router is working.)

In an effort not to be home during the prolonged power out, we went to the mall. Which is really too bad, because I used to like malls– but the last day of Hanuka with an upset stomach and 14 thousand little children all talking simultaneously–has taken all of the luster out of shopping there– at least for the foreseeable future.

Once home, my sister (visiting from Philadelphia) and I piled into my bed under multiple layers of comforters and waited for the heat to be fixed.

Tomorrow: more adventures, I’m afraid.

Filed Under: Family life, Ramblings

Oh, you poor dear

December 21, 2008 by

I’ve been thinking recently about the type of training we give people who are becoming therapists. We tell them to take a good history, to assess the health of their client, and to walk with the client through their world in a non-judgmental way.

Recently, it struck me that if therapists are not taught to think systemically, they might end up not only not effective in helping their clients, but they may even harm them.

Let’s take, for example, Mrs. Q. (not a real person). She was married to Mr. Q. for a period of 15 years. They had several children and then after a period of worsening conditions between them, divorced.

Mrs. Q. shows up in Susie the therapist’s office. Susie (I am calling her Susie because she is representing the naive way in which many non-systemic, poorly trained therapists respond) listens to Mrs. Q.’s story. It seems that Mr. Q. was a disaster from the first day of the marriage. He neglected to take out the trash at least a couple of times a week. He didn’t give Mrs. Q. nearly enough assistance with the children and with household tasks as she wanted. He didn’t spend as much time and money on her as she wanted.

Susie, in an effort to understand more of what was so awful about the marriage asks about physical abuse. Mrs. Q. says there was no physical abuse. Susie asks about emotional abuse. Aha! Yes, there was emotional abuse. What did it consist of?

Sometimes Mrs. Q. had an idea that Mr. Q. didn’t like.
Sometimes Mr. Q. wanted to go somewhere or do something that wouldn’t be Mrs. Q.’s choice.

Susie being a good therapist would follow the complaints with some version of “oh, you poor dear.” which is fine if you are trying to assist Mrs. Q. to feel justified and righteous, but which is not helpful if you are trying to help Mrs. Q. understand what happened and perhaps experience less pain in any future relationships.

In order for Mrs. Q. to grow from her experience, she has to take the time to examine what her part was in initiating, sustaining, or encouraging interactions that left her feeling frustrated and/or angry. That is not the same thing as blaming her, because fault is not something that can be determined even were we to have videotapes of the entire marriage and both partners’ running commentaries. What is important is whether Mrs. Q. can see what her part was, to take responsibility for what was truly her part, and to see that she may have different options in the future.

Filed Under: Family life, Relationships

Safety nets

December 15, 2008 by

If you’ve ever been to the circus, you know that you, the audience member, feel much better if the trapeze artists and the tightrope walkers have safety nets beneath them. For although some of the lure of the circus is the danger element, none of us really want to watch someone get hurt or worse.

In fact, many years ago I took my children to an air show in Mainz, Germany. We watched all sorts of aeronautic maneuvers. It was fun– until we looked over to the right, out of the performance area and saw a plane spiraling downward and then fire and smoke. The pilot was killed. A couple of weeks later, I took those same, traumatized children to a rodeo. It was all going fine until a bull stomped on the stomach of one of the riders. He waved as they carried him out. “He’s going to be fine,” I reassured my children. He wasn’t. He died.

So for me, safety nets are a very important part of a performance that has any danger.

Like life

…an inherently dangerous performance.

I thought about my early life and how I didn’t live in a very emotionally safe environment and how in my own childish way, I constructed a safety net for myself. It consisted of my grandmothers, one or two aunts, a random teacher or two… OK, it wasn’t very strong, but it was enough to sustain me.

I think about how now my children and grandchildren have wide safety nets- strong ones because of all of the positive family connections– of people who may be too busy to talk to on a daily basis, but people who can absolutely be relied upon in times of need. I remember how the family pulled together to assist me in bringing my father-in-law to live in Israel. Everyone played a part in making that transition possible. I remember when my children were going through difficult times, they really were there emotionally and physically for each other. I think of my grandchildren who are embraced on all sides by siblings and by cousins from both sides of their families, and I realize that they must feel safe and secure.

And maybe that is what is really tough about life in some places where people move far away from family… Unless they are able to form close attachments in their community, they are walking this tightrope of life without a safety net.

Filed Under: Emotional health, Family life, Parenting
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